South Carolina Legislature Passes Radical New Bill to Control Ownership of Confederate Flags

Satirical News Service
Charlotte, SC

In a bold move the State Legislature in South Carolina today made the radical step of passing legislature to control the ownership and proliferation of Confederate flags that they determined was the cause of the recent church shooting.  This legislation mandates a 90 day waiting period and rigorous background check for anyone who wishes to purchase a Confederate flag. Also individuals will not be permitted to purchase more than 10 flags at a time, and Confederate flags of more than 30 inches will require special permits. The State House Speaker was quoted as saying “While this legislation is going to be unpopular, it is meant to save lives in the long run”. The governor has indicated that he will sign this bill if it passes the State Senate.

In other legislation, the State House voted down measures that would require background check for all gun purchases, control sales of large quantities of ammunition and measures to control un-regulated gun show sales.

Apple Announces New Jimminy Cricket App to Help You Wrestle With Your Conscience

Satirical News Service
Cupertino, CA

Today in a packed press conference at Apple’s Cupertino headquarters, Apple Computer’s CEO Tim Cook announced their forthcoming app for iPhones that is designed to help you “wrestle with your conscience”.  The new app, named Jimminy Cricket, comes from the Disney character who acted as Pinocchio’s alter-conscience in the 1940 animated film. The App is designed to work with Siri and intervene when you are presented with moral decisions.

“This is breakthrough app that really brings moral awareness and consciousness and into the electronic age.  It acts as our guide when faced with difficult moral questions. For example, suppose you were in a restaurant and found someone had left a wallet stuffed with $100 bills. Faced with the decision to simply pocket  the cash or turn it in, you would first ask Jimminy Cricket ‘What should I do?’ Jimminy Cricket would analyze this moral problem based on information gathered from your personal history including your current bank account balance, upcoming bills, Apple Pay and credit card purchases, Facebook and Twitter likes and posts, and who your friends and contacts are. It would then  compare these to similar information it would gather about the person based upon their ID whose wallet you found. Based upon  this information.  Jimminy Cricket would then present you with the pro’s and cons. For example, it would ask ‘Who do you think would benefit more from this find? Based upon the information found in banking information and credit cards for that person, it appears that this person is quite well off, and would hardly even miss it. You on the other hand are nearly broke based upon your current bank balance and credit card debt and high probability that you are very likely to get laid off in the next six months’.  By presenting information in this light, the user can more easily make these tough moral decisions now having a better understanding of the facts.

Here is another example. Suppose you were contemplating breaking up with your girlfriend.  Jimminy Cricket would analyze this by gathering all the information found on the WEB about her including recent emails to friends, Facebook posts, browsing history, and recent travel and credit card bills that might indicate a secret lover. It would also gather her medical history that might show a history of depression or suicidal tendencies. Based upon this data Jimminy Cricket could then advise you by giving you the probability that she’s been sleeping around behind your back with a high degree of accuracy.

We at Apple feel that this will totally change the way we make our moral choices by enabling your iPhones unlimited ability to utilize all the information that is available about people on the internet and present it in a way that aides you in making tough moral choices.”

Mexico Immediately Commences Wall Project After Donald Trump’s Speech

Satirical News Service
Mexico City

Just one day after Donald Trump made his stunning revelation that Mexico should build a wall around their country, construction has already begun. According to officials in the Mexican government, the project broke ground late last night with volunteers flocking from all over the country to contribute their labor and materials. As one spokesman put it, “We are eternally grateful to Mr. Trump, for coming up with this great idea. We now plan to build the wall around the entire country. It worked great for the Chinese and the Berlin Wall still remains a top tourist attraction. But the best reason we can think of to build this wall is to keep Donald Trump out of this country”.

Caitlin Jenner Announces She has Become Caitlin Jenner Black

Satirical News Service
Malibu, CA

Inspired by the recent story of Ex-NAACP Leader Rachel Dolezal, the woman who said she identified more with being Black than White, Caitlin Jenner (formerly Bruce Jenner), announced today that she has yet undergone another transformation. This time she has undergone procedures to become what she has always felt she was meant to be– A Black woman. Merely a few weeks after her newly transformed body was presented to the public on Vanity Fair Magazine, a new cover is being prepared showing the latest transformation she has undergone to become a Black woman, who henceforth will be known as Caitlin Jenner Black.

Lawn Mower Simulator 2015 Software Program Released

Satirical News Service
Silicon Valley, CA

Electronic Media Inc. announced today the release of their latest simulation game – Lawn Mower Simulator 2015.

Recent studies show that there is a rising popularity of games that simulate actual physical work activities that people do. These simulator programs appeal to a growing generation of kids and adults who find that doing everything in the virtual world is preferable to doing anything in the real world. With this newest edition to our real-life simulator line up, we offer gamers the opportunity to act like real enterprising kids or responsible husbands without having to actually perform these dirty and laborious tasks in the real world.

With this simulator, users can set the growth rate of their lawn and actually watch their virtual grass grow on a daily basis. Kids can set up contracts with virtual homeowners and parents to cut their grass for a virtual allowance. In addition to lawn mowers, this game offers virtual fertilizer and seed spreaders that will brighten up the hue of the virtual lawn when used on a regular basis.

We feel this is a great way to promote work ethic and responsibility to a whole new generation without having to actually work or be responsible.

This program is available for all mobile platforms including PS3, iPad, Xbox, Windows and Android OS.

Future plans are underway to release a virtual house cleaning simulator program, virtual gardening simulator program, virtual home maintenance simulator program, and virtual job hunting simulator program.