Apple Announces New Jimminy Cricket App to Help You Wrestle With Your Conscience

Satirical News Service
Cupertino, CA

Today in a packed press conference at Apple’s Cupertino headquarters, Apple Computer’s CEO Tim Cook announced their forthcoming app for iPhones that is designed to help you “wrestle with your conscience”.  The new app, named Jimminy Cricket, comes from the Disney character who acted as Pinocchio’s alter-conscience in the 1940 animated film. The App is designed to work with Siri and intervene when you are presented with moral decisions.

“This is breakthrough app that really brings moral awareness and consciousness and into the electronic age.  It acts as our guide when faced with difficult moral questions. For example, suppose you were in a restaurant and found someone had left a wallet stuffed with $100 bills. Faced with the decision to simply pocket  the cash or turn it in, you would first ask Jimminy Cricket ‘What should I do?’ Jimminy Cricket would analyze this moral problem based on information gathered from your personal history including your current bank account balance, upcoming bills, Apple Pay and credit card purchases, Facebook and Twitter likes and posts, and who your friends and contacts are. It would then  compare these to similar information it would gather about the person based upon their ID whose wallet you found. Based upon  this information.  Jimminy Cricket would then present you with the pro’s and cons. For example, it would ask ‘Who do you think would benefit more from this find? Based upon the information found in banking information and credit cards for that person, it appears that this person is quite well off, and would hardly even miss it. You on the other hand are nearly broke based upon your current bank balance and credit card debt and high probability that you are very likely to get laid off in the next six months’.  By presenting information in this light, the user can more easily make these tough moral decisions now having a better understanding of the facts.

Here is another example. Suppose you were contemplating breaking up with your girlfriend.  Jimminy Cricket would analyze this by gathering all the information found on the WEB about her including recent emails to friends, Facebook posts, browsing history, and recent travel and credit card bills that might indicate a secret lover. It would also gather her medical history that might show a history of depression or suicidal tendencies. Based upon this data Jimminy Cricket could then advise you by giving you the probability that she’s been sleeping around behind your back with a high degree of accuracy.

We at Apple feel that this will totally change the way we make our moral choices by enabling your iPhones unlimited ability to utilize all the information that is available about people on the internet and present it in a way that aides you in making tough moral choices.”