Trump Tweets “Yuge Caravan of Zombies Coming to Vote for Democrats”

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

In his latest tirade of tweets about apocalyptic catastrophes coming to disrupt the midterm elections, his latest one states that a “Yuge caravan of Zombies is planning on rising up on October 31^st". He goes on to say in his Tweet

“These Zombies – many of whom are from Middle Eastern descent or were illegal immigrants – are planning on rising up on October 31^st. TO VOTE FOR DEMOCRATS in the midterm elections. Many of these zombies who have been dead for 10 years or more are the same ones that voted for Crooked Hillary in the 2016 election and made it look like she actually won. This is why we need to keep the House and Senate and Build That Wall!”

Huge Caravans of Youths Paid by George Soros Invade Fort Lauderdale Beaches!

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

Throngs of youths, aged 16 to 25, have been seen flooding down to beaches – especially Fort Lauderdale in April. They are drinking beer, selling drugs, having loud parties and generally causing havoc in this otherwise peaceful community.  Rumors have persisted, especially among Republican locals, that George Soros is behind this mass migration. We interviewed some of these “invaders-from-the North” who confirm that “they were promised lots of free beer, wild parties, and beautiful ‘babes’ if they made the perilous trip from their Northern College campuses to Fort Lauderdale”. It is uncertain if they were actually given cash, but photos have emerged of people handing out flyers advertising “free beer for the ladies”, and “all you can drink specials” to these caravans of youths. Although no one there seemed to know the name “George Soros”, Republican city and state officials and FOX news have strongly asserted that Soros instigated this “mass migration” just to make Donald Trump look bad and force cities to spend more on Police and City services that deplete their budget. According to one official “Those are tax dollars that could be better used to build more exclusive golf courses, and marinas for million dollar yachts.”

Trump Sends Harsh Punishment to Saudi Prince – GO TO Bed With NO SUPPER

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

In a stunning rebuke to Saudi Arabia, President Donald Trump tweeted that he had ordered the Crown Prince of Saudi Arabia “Whatever-the-hell-his-name-is” to go to bed WITHOUT SUPPER, and NO TEXTING or TWEETING for 2 weeks, as punishment for murdering  Washington Post Reporter Khashoggi. Trump went on to Tweet “I want to send the Saudi’s a strong message that America will not tolerate such behavior – But really want to thank them for the 10 billion dollar Arms order last week. Really  GREAT GUYS!”

Brett Kavanaugh Tries to Get into Heaven

If his attempt to enter thru the Pearly Gates of Heaven go like his hearing, here is what I expect it will go like…..

St. Peter: Excuse me Mr. Kavanaugh, it seems there is a problem……some unfinished business from your time on earth……

K: This process has become a Holy disgrace. The Bible gives you an important role in the entry process. But you have replaced “advice and consent” with “search and destroy.” Since my recent death, there’s been a frenzy on the left to come up with something, anything to block my entry into Heaven. Shortly after I died, the Democratic Senate leader said he would “oppose me with everything he’s got.” A Democratic senator on this committee publicly referred to me as evil. Evil!. The allegation against me was held in secret for weeks by Democratic members of this committee. They were lying in wait and had it ready for the day I died. Then they come along with a series of false last-minute smears designed to scare me and drive me out of Heaven. This whole effort has been a calculated and orchestrated political hit, fueled with apparent pent-up anger about President Trump and the 2016 election, fear that has been unfairly stoked about my judicial record, revenge on behalf of the Clintons and millions of dollars in money from outside left-wing opposition groups.

The so-called party described by Dr. Ford happened in the summer of 1982 on a weekend night, when my calendar shows all but definitively I was not there. I keep all my important stuff in my calendar so when I am accused of something like this I can hold it up and say “See! It isn’t in my Calendar so it couldn’t have happened. I was a virgin most of my life, and even well into my married life, so how could I have done anything like what I was accused of.  Sure I like beer! DO YOU LIKE BEER ST. PETER????

St. Peter: Actually I Prefer wine.

K: Well I like BEER! Sure I drank a little bit and occasionally may a slurred a few words, but THAT’S ALL! Nothing like sticking penises in peoples’ faces or groping them while holding my hand over their mouth. I’d have certainly put THAT in my calendar, wouldn’t I? And since I didn’t it proves that I didn’t do any such things. How come when PJ and Judge were questioned they didn’t say it happened and they didn’t write it in their calendars either! How about confession??? Wouldn’t I have said something in Confession which I went to every day – sometimes more? Where are THOSE records? I’ve worked my Butt off to get into Heaven. I’ve done everything my party asked me to do – blindly and without giving it a second thought. I demand you let me through those Pearly Gates Now!

St. Peter: Go to Hell!