Artist Christo to Create “Border Wall”. Mexico to Contribute To Cost.

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

In a last ditch effort to save face and placate his “base” against a rising tide of anger over his shutting down the government to fund his wall, Trump today announced that he has commissioned the artist Christo to “build his beautiful wall” – out of fabric. According to White House sources, it will be called “A Wall” and will be 30 feet high and made entirely of thin opaque fabric much like a similar piece he created Titled “Running Fence” in 1976. Instead of 5 billion dollars, the cost will be approximately 10 million dollars. The White House said funds will come from the National Endowment for the Arts, but a portion of it will also come from the government of Mexico as an “Art project jointly sponsored by Mexico and the USA to symbolize the need for secure borders”.  Mexico agreed to contribute funding to this as long as there are no further efforts “to build that ridiculous wall he keeps talking about”. While some Republicans are furious, the vast majority and all Democrats are relieved to finally be able to “put this tantrum behind us”.

Government Workers Start Go-Fund-Me fund to Deport Trump

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

Saying they are sick and tired of being held hostage to Trump’s Border Wall funding, government workers have started a GO-FUND-ME fund to Deport Donald Trump. So far it has raised more than $2 million. One worker who donated a week’s salary said: “We’d all love to see him on the other side of his stupid border wall.”

Trump Vows To Shoot Someone On 5th Avenue If He Doesn’t Get Funding For His Wall

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

 In another bizarre twist to the Wall Funding Saga, Donald Trump today tweeted that he would make good on his campaign statement to “shoot someone on 5^th Avenue” if he does not get the 5 billion dollars in funding for his Border Wall. This alludes to a statement he made in 2016 that “ I could go out tomorrow and shoot someone in the middle of 5^th Avenue and my base will still support me…”

Trump went on to tweet, "While I am sorry it has to come to this, Our Border Security needs must come first. If someone has to die for me to get it, hopefully, an illegal immigrant or Muslim, well, so be it. I  have no doubt that my base will support me completely and send a message to Nancy Pelosi, Chuck Schumer, and Congress that I mean business!”

Mitch McConnell, stated in response to hearing of this tweet “Sometime supreme sacrifices are needed in the pursuit of Freedom….and while I certainly hope it does not come to this, the President knows what he is doing, and I support him.”

John Kelly, the out-going chief-of-staff, could not be found to comment. It is rumored that he is hiding out somewhere in western Virginia,  speaking to lawyers about cutting a plea deal to avoid being implicated in a conspiracy to commit murder charges that might arise.

Trump Names Hillary Clinton to Become His New Chief of Staff

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

In a move that took all of Washington by complete surprise, Donald Trump today announced that he was naming Hillary Clinton to become his new chief of staff, replacing outgoing John Kelly. In a Press conference, Sarah Huckabee Sanders stated “This is a bold move by the president to promote unity between the two parties and mend the animosity that has grown because of the fictitious Russian Meddling that absolutely did not happen. It is hoped that this will put an end to that witch hunt and that both parties can now work together to pass Mr. Trump's agenda.”

Privately however anonymous aides have said that this whole administration is a house of cards ready to collapse at any minute. We need a good scapegoat and Hillary Clinton certainly fills that bill. It worked once before and can work again when we put all the blame on her. Besides she’s a Democrat and everyone already in our party wants to lock her up.

Ms. Clinton could not be reached for comment.

Siri, Google, And Alexa Poll Higher Than Any Other Presidential Candidates

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

A recent poll released today showed that  Apple’s “Siri”, Amazon’s “Alexa”, and Google’s “Google” are leading in polls for possible Presidential candidates in the 2020 election. In areas such as “Trustworthiness”, “Free of Corruption”, “deep knowledge” ,“grasp of facts”, “free of prejudice and racism”, and “overall likeability”, all these devices polled more than 30 points higher than any of the suggested Democratic party candidates, and 90 points higher than Donald Trump or any possible Republican contenders. More surprising was the perception that each of these scored higher on the question “free of manipulation” than any of these candidates.

The Committee To Promote AI (Artificial Intelligence) is putting forward a committee aimed at getting them placed on the state primary ballots under Independent candidates. It is unknown if the courts will permit this, but it should be an interesting debate format to see Google, Siri, and Alexa square off before Trump, Sanders, and anyone else who might run in 2020.

National Xmas Tree to be Decorated with Concertina Barbed Wire

Satirical News Service
Washinton, DC

The White House today released the first pictures of the National Christmas Tree. It is been dyed a garish red color and entirely decorated entirely with strands of concertina barbed wire. The White House issued a statement saying "We feel that this tree represents President's Trump's and his Republican colleagues' true values at this holiday time of year.