A Rally in King Herod’s Time

A new scroll has just turned up that speaks about a rally held by King Herod to his loyal followers shortly before the crucifixion of Jesus.

It’s so great to be here in Judea among my loyal followers. Some people, and I won’t say who say that I should be impeached and Jesus should be made King of the Jews. What do you think of that idea?!” (Boos from crowd). Right! He’ll want all of you to start walking around the desert barefoot while he supposedly “talks to GOD”.  My followers know that his teaching will lead to ruin. Our allies in Rome are the best way for us to keep our flowing economy going. Already animal sacrifices are way up, and the money changers are having their best year ever. Do you want all that to change? ("No’s" from the crowd). And how about his idea of giving loaves and fishes to the poor – do you think he can magically make them appear? No, he’s going to raise your taxes for it!  (Boo's from the crowd). Taxes on you the middle class. My administration has done more than any other King in history. Look at our great big beautiful temple. We’re going to build an even Yuger one – with an even BIGGER WALL to pray at! My donors love that. They say “Herod Can we build that Wall?” What do I say back to them? “ (Crowd chants “Build that wall! Build that wall!). Right! How about that lie he tells people about being “born of virgin birth”. Like, right, Mary was soooo pure….!” Common, we all know what she really was! (crowd chants something unrepeatable). Right!  And how about those followers of his – What a bunch of total losers! Simon is an idiot, Peter can’t make a living even catching fish, and then there is the whore Mary Magdalene….anybody wonder where Jesus gets his income from? And don’t forget about that weirdo John who goes around plunging people’s heads under water saying “They’re purified"! (audience boos). Right! The only way to get purified is through animal sacrifice.  And what about Health care? He says he can cure people just by touching them. Jesus’s healthcare plan is a disaster – we all know that, right? He claims he can even bring people back from the dead…..(audience yells No!). My healthcare plan will be the greatest healthcare plan anyone has ever seen. It will be YUGE!

(A heckler from the audience) “What about all those babies you killed 30 years ago in Bethlehem?”

I’m glad you asked about that. Those people were all there illegally! They were incense dealers and prostitutes who came into Judea illegally to bear children. My soldiers simply did their duty to uphold the law of the land. Get over it! .

In my next term as King, I’m  going to give a huge tax break to the money changers and animal sellers at the temple so they can help Make Judea Great Again . In case you haven’t noticed my loyal base of followers all wearing yarmulkes with MJGA on them. If Jesus thinks he can Impeach me, he’s going to have to walk on water to do it!

Trump Signs Executive Order Moving the Nation’s Capital to Florida

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

Donald Trump today signed an executive order that would move the national seat of government to Florida – specifically to Mar a Lago. “Everyone in Washington hates me!” quoted Trump. “They are all out to get me! At least in Florida, I’ll be safe with my base there.”

The plan calls for Trump’s Mar a Lago resort to be bought from the Trump Organization at a fixed bid price set by Jared Kushner who controls the Trump holdings there.  “I plan to build a new White House there – one with a lot more gold fixtures and large mirrors – and of course the Presidential toilet will be made completely of solid gold. The capitol will initially house only the Senate until the Democrats are kicked out of the House. Also, the Supreme Court will have only 5 seats for only the conservative judges. The others will have to stand. I plan on having large avenues to hold military parades with a grand viewing stand.”

Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell has already come out in support of it stating, “It will save the taxpayers millions of dollars since Trump won’t have to travel as far to play golf.”

G7 Gets Last Laugh- Puts Trump at Kiddie Table

Satirical News Service
London, England

After finally deciding they've had enough abuse from Trump and his petulant rants, the G7 got the last laugh when they placed Trump at his own Kiddie table with plastic plates and utensils. Furious, he threw his food at the other G7members, and then stormed out. The G7 leaders told him "Don't let the door hit you on the way out", and "Don't look for us at camp David anytime soon."

Osama Bin Laden’s Family Asks For Exoneration And Reparations For 9-11 “Witch Hunt”.

Osama Bin Laden's surviving family members

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

In a bizarre turnabout, the family of Osama Bin Laden and the families of the 11 hijackers  of 9-11 are now asking for the US to completely exonerate them and that the families of the victims pay THEM reparations.

“We never had the opportunity to confront the actual witnesses on the planes that were allegedly hijacked. No one from those planes ever actually testified that our relatives were the ones that did it. It’s all based on hearsay planted by Deep-State Republicans in America who wanted to frame decent people from the Middle-East so they could steal their oil. Let them produce one eyewitness! The reports that they took over the plane are all wrong! They were the ones who were trying to prevent those pilots from United Airlines who were hired by the CIA to fly those planes into the World Trade Center and Pentagon in the first place. I say again- Produce one single eye-witness who was there! Instead, they launch a witch hunt aimed at smearing Osama – who wasn’t even there, and denied he had any part in it. Then they accuse a few people from Saudi Arabia who were on those planes. It’s a witch-hunt all based on hearsay and a smear campaign. “

The families want the victims of 9-11 to pay them, 10 billion dollars in reparations.

Guy Fawkes Was Innocent – He NEVER lit the fuse

Satirical News Service
London, England

A new group has formed who want Guy Fawkes posthumously and Guy Fawkes  Day celebrations eliminated. Taking a page from the Republican’s defense of Donald Trump in the recent Impeachment hearings, they stated,

“The whole thing was a witch hunt. It was just a plot by Parliament to frame the Catholics. In fact, Guy Fawkes, even though he was caught with a torch in the basement of parliament, HE NEVER LIT THE FUSE! His confession was got under torture when he was only trying to point out corruption in the houses of Parliament – something we do all the time."