Senate Republicans Acquit Coronavirus of Charges that It Has Infected People

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

In a vote along party lines, more than 50 Republican Senators voted to acquit the Coronavirus of all charges that it is causing a pandemic by infecting people. In a statement by Senate majority leader Mitch McConnell, he stated, “All the evidence that this so-called Coronavirus infects people is based entirely on hear-say evidence and deep-state epidemiologists who just want to discredit the President for such a great job he is doing with the economy. It’s just another witch-hunt and an effort by the Democrats to try to take funding away from our vitally needed border wall. Next, they’ll want to require everyone to wear surgical masks.” 

Even more moderate Republicans said “Sure it’s a bad virus, but that certainly doesn’t warrant eradication.”

Meanwhile, Trump is sending Mike Pence on a “fact-finding” tour to all the infected regions where the virus hit hardest. He will be going into isolation wards carrying only a Bible and without any protective gear, to prove that the Virus only affects non-Christian people.

In other news, Bernie Sanders came out to say that under his plan “any American can get the Coronavirus from anyone without any out of pocket expenses”.

Trump Claims “Hundreds of New cases of Corona coming into the US from Mexico"

Trump shows evidence of truck laden with new cases of Corona entering the US Daily

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

 Siting hard evidence from unnamed sources In a press conference today, Trump today claimed, “Hundreds if not thousands of cases of Corona are coming into the US daily from MEXICO, not China. I am therefore signing an executive order to take funds allocated to the CDC and US public health services to expedite building that ‘great wall’ that we have been trying to build since I started to keep the spread of this dangerous virus out of our country.  The Democrats want to blame it all on China, not Mexico, but the evidence that Corona is coming from Mexico is right in front of us."

Trump Congratulates India on their “Wonderful Caste System”

Satirical News Service
New Delhi, India

Amid a huge crowd of supporters Trump today congratulated India on their “Wonderful Caste System”. This ancient system, that despite efforts to eliminate it, has kept a large segment of the population in a permanent underclass status.  Trump went on to say, “We need a system that puts people like Adam Schiff and Nancy Pelosi into an Untouchable caste. When I get back I’m going to look into implementing it in the United States !” – to which the crowd roared with approval.

Scientists at the CDC express growing alarm at the infection rate of the DtRump virsus

Satirical News Service
Atlanta, GA

Scientists at the CDC have expressed growing alarm at the rapid spread of the DtRump virus.  This is the same type of virus that ravaged Europe in the 1930s and 1940s and killed millions of people until it was contained. Now a new variant of it seems to have cropped up in the US and has infected millions of people nationwide. The highest number of cases have cropped up in the Midwest and Southern states typically known for its Republican political views. No one is quite sure how it jumped species to become this new more lethal Dtrump strain. It is believed to have been initially transmitted from contact with feces spread by certain FOXes. These FOXes can pack a lot of virus in their feces and have a wide range so containing them has proved nearly impossible.  Not long ago a trial vaccine was used called the SchiffN1 to prevent the spread. Unfortunately, it weakened whatever immunity those subjects had to the virus, and all but one ended up with the most virulent strain. Military Veterans also seem especially susceptible to become infected with the virus since their strong patriotic fervor seems to weaken their immune system to this kind of virus. Once infected, it’s victims can show signs of memory loss, dementia, and believing impossible lies that non-infected people would simply scoff-off. In its most virulent form, it can lead people to shouting matches, severe aggression, habitual lying, and name-calling much like Tourette’s syndrome victims. CDC is hoping that by inoculating uninfected people with a new vaccine called All1Blu it might stop the spread of this before it becomes another worldwide pandemic.

Trump's call Kim to offer Him White House Visit - But First Has a Favor to Ask……

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

The White House today confirmed that Donald Trump placed a phone call to North Korean Leader to offer him a White House visit sometime in the future. However, in the call Trump stated,

“ I’d love to offer you this visit, but I have a favor to ask …..There are some very nasty rumors going around about Mitt Romney that we’d like you to investigate. Vert terrible things that people have said he’s done to discredit me. Could you talk to Rudy about investigating this and then we can proceed to set up this visit to the White House.”

Later rump declared the call "another perfect call".

Undocumented Mexican Workers Claim Their Crime Does Not Rise to Level of Deportation

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

Hundreds of undocumented workers who were arrested in last year’s ICE raids appeared today before a federal judge to vacate their deportation orders. Their attorney stated they all have the same defense.

“Your honor, while their offense of crossing the border illegally and working without a valid green card may have been inappropriate, it does not rise to the level of deportation. Furthermore, they were acting in the interests of this country by providing cheap labor. Also, this whole round-up of illegal immigrants is nothing more than a “witch hunt”.  Besides, the idea that somehow they crossed illegally is based upon hearsay and they demand the right to confront anyone who actually claims to have seen them cross illegally in this hearing.

The judge who is considering this request stated “If it’s a good enough defense for the President, it’s good enough for me.”

Trump Awards Second Medal of Freedom to Bernie Madoff

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

Citing his outstanding contributions to “creative book-keeping” over his lifetime, President Trump today awarded a second Medal of Freedom to Bernie Madoff, the convicted felon who scammed hundreds of people out of their savings with his Ponzi schemes. The award also comes with a presidential pardon. 

Millions of Republicans cheered this move as finally recognizing someone who knows how to handle finances responsibly.

Iowa Caucus To Decide Next Year’s Superbowl Contenders

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

After witnessing how well the Caucus worked in choosing the “winners” of last night’s first Presidential Primary, The NFL has decided to let the same process work for determining the contenders in next year’s Superbowl game. In a statement by the NFL, “Instead of having all these wildcard playoffs and rankings, we are going to let Iowans just sort it out with the same efficiency and accuracy that they did in last night’s primary caucuses. It is anticipated that they will hold their caucus even before the first game is played – that way they can be the first to announce who the winners will be to play in the Superbowl. "

The actual results may possibly be tabulated and made available before the season ends, but it's still uncertain given the glitches they had with the Primary. Advertisers who have paid millions for 30-second ads in the Superbowl are lining up to do the same for the Iowa Superbowl caucuses.