Satirical News Service
Washington DC
In one of
his last acts as President (until he is bodily hauled out of the oval office),
President Trump today signed an Executive Order giving Latino Americans a
pathway to becoming full-fledged White Americans. It will make it possible for
them to join exclusive country clubs (like Mar-a-Lago), run for office in
Republican-held districts, and bar other minorities from joining their clubs
and special societies.
“I realize that for many of you that have achieved this
status like Marco Rubio, it has been a
long struggle. You’ve had to forget about your past discrimination and
oppression in the countries you came from, and the sometimes harsh treatment
you received in this country, to become fully-fledged White Americans with the
inherent right to look down upon and discriminate against other minorities
including other Latino coming from oppression and danger in their own countries.
It took great effort to completely erase from memory the terror of crossing the
sea from Cuba in rickety rafts to be picked up by benevolent Coast Guard boats
offering you life and hope in a new country.
But having put that behind you now, you can join the rallying cries of
your newly adopted White brethren and
yell “Build that Wall!”, ‘Separate those families’, ‘Lock up their kids”’, and ‘Send
them back to the S**thole countries they came from’. This program will provide
federal funding for skin-lightening, language accent elimination, and teaching
theories of ‘trickle-down’ economics. Before long you’ll be joining the ranks
of other White Americans and running as Republicans for high office.”
