Georgia Officially Adopts Confederate Currency as Legal Tender

Satirical News Service
Atlanta. GA

The Georgia State Legislature today officially adopted Confederate Currency as official legal tender in that state. While US federal currency will continue to be accepted in most cases, all taxes and state fees must be paid in the new Confederate currency. This includes the new mandatory official state ID and Drivers Licenses that will be required to prove voter eligibility. Banks will begin exchanges for the new currency beginning in July and some ATMs will begin allowing withdrawals in this new currency. The law requires that all businesses operating in the State will be required to accept it. The design of the new currency is currently underway and will feature Nathan Bedford Forrest on the $20 bill, and other Confederate generals on other denominations. The only exception will be the $100 bill that will feature the portrait of Donald J Trump.

President Biden Signs Executive Order Restoring Genitals to Mr./Mrs. Potato Head

 

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

 In a landmark bid to recognize LBTQ rights, President Biden today signed an executive order that mandate that both sets of genitals be included in every Potato Head sold. Unlike the Republican version that would completely strip away genitals, this bill means that children can decide which genitals they prefer to give their Potato Head toy, and later switch them if they want.  Both male and female potato head genitals (shown here) will now be included in the package. Republicans plan to launch a vigorous campaign against this and will make it a central theme in their effort to take back Congress and The White House in coming elections,

Early Neanderthal Cave Drawings Suggest Why they Died Out

 

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

A newly discovery in a cave in the south the France show cave drawing of early Neanderthals that suggest reasons why they might have died out. From the drawing it appears that a great shaman named MAGA urged his tribe to attack other tribes who wore masks which caused  the release of a deadly virus which led to many of them to dying off from disease. 

Another drawing seems to show how they lured woolly mammoths over cliff by jumping off themselves. From the depictions it is obvious how this type of Neanderthal thinking led to their demise.

Notes from a COVID Vaccine Sommelier

 

As more and more vaccines come onto the market, people are having a hard time deciding which vaccine to get. Until now a vaccine was simply a vaccine – your basic vaccine ordinaire. Now you have many many choices. My job as a vaccine sommelier is to educate people on the subtleties’ of fine vaccines and help them make the right choices.

For example suppose you are planning to take a cruise to the Caribbean. You don’t want to trust this to just any old vaccine, but one that mates well with your particular Caribbean Cruises. It also matters which islands you plan on going to and whether this will be a very small sailing yacht cruise or on one of those megaships.

For the former ,say a small sailing yacht with about 20 close friends, I’d recommend a 2020 Astra Zennaca two shot vaccine. This has a CDC 4 “COVID” rating which makes it an excellent choice. Its efficacy is 80 percent. It’s injections are easy  and relatively painless with only minimal side effects lasting no more than12 hours. Since the stopovers will be limited to exclusive islands and you will be staying on the yacht, there should be no need for additional boosters.

Now for the later, say one of the big 6000 passenger megaliner ships, I would not recommend anything less than the two shot Pfzier vaccine. This has gotten a 5 COVID rating by even the most discriminating CDC officials. I must warn you though that it must be chilled to the proper temperature before serving, and it tends not to travel well. Therefore I would not recommend buying it long in advance of administering it.

Now let’s say you are planning a multicounty 21 day vacation by air, bus and rail. In that case I’d go with a 2021 2 shot Moderna  late release vaccine. While the 2021 J&J might suffice, it only got a 3 COVID rating from the CDC vs. a 4 for the Moderna. The Moderna has a very smooth entry with only a slight sting. and a mild achy finish lasting for a day or more. It stands up well to a number of mutant variations including the Danish, Brazilian, and South African varieties.

Many people have asked me “should I take the vaccine immediately, or will it continue to age well in the refrigerator?” That is still too soon to answer for many of the vaccines since there have not yet been sufficient vintages to determine how well they might age under ideal conditions. The Pfizer vaccine should definitely not be stored for more than 24 hours, but there have been reports that the Oxford vaccine from Europe has the potential for a long staying power that will only improve with age. Early batches of this have already been snatched up by connoisseurs in hope they will just increase in value in time.

Before I leave I want to say that the J&J (Johnson & Johnson) should be considered  as a wise pick for most local uses. The 2021 is an excellent vintage. It is well balanced and aged in stainless steel vats 30 days before being decanted into vials. While some ignorant critics have “dissed “it for supposedly being derived from “aborted fetuses”, this is perhaps the most stupid argument I’ve ever heard for ignoring such a noble label. While only receiving 3 COVIDs from the CDC, it has stood up will to most variants and only requires a single does. While it is unlikely to improve with age, it does not need to be stored at cellar temperature, so it makes the perfect gift to bring to gatherings in this post pandemic world.