Several State Legislatures are planning “Prove Your Gender” Bills

 

Satirical News Service
Atlanta, Georgia

Several state legislatures including Georgia, Florida, and  Texas are proposing “Prove Your Gender Bills” that would mandate that anyone wanting to use a public restroom in their state would have to both produce a drivers’ license and submit to “visual inspection” to ensure that that person is actually of the sex that is on their driver’s license. Anyone attempting to enter with altered genitalia will be arrested. As one State Senator from Florida stated “This is a very serious problem we have in this state. People who have either altered their genitals or simply profess to be something other than their birth sex are attempting to use public restrooms to do 'God knows what all'. It’s simply not enough to take their word for it – we need visual verification to ensure that innocent people are not harmed.  Guns will still be permitted without restrictions in any public restroom.”

CDC Concerned About A Growing Number of Cases of “Social Distancing Long Haulers”

 

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

Scientists at CDC have become aware of a growing number of what they termed “Social distancing Long Haulers”. As more people have become vaccinated and restrictions on gatherings and venues are being lifted, there appears to be a number of people who have gone even further in limiting any contact with other people. They have coined the phrase “Social Distancing Long Haulers” to describe a cluster of symptoms ranging from agoraphobia to extreme hermitism. While they cannot put an exact number, it has caught the attention of the CDC. We tried to reach one of these “long haulers”, and after months of unsuccessful attempts, we were finally able to get someone to respond. The individual we spoke to refused to divulge her name but said she was perfectly fine and did not want anyone to bother her. She said she used to be a very egregious person who loved to go to parties and social events and was active on social media and community clubs. When the pandemic hit and everyone was forced into lockdown she reluctantly went along with the recommendations and stayed home with her spouse. They used to phone their kids (now grown) every week and frequently went to see them. Soon those phone calls dropped off completely, then social media and even emails. After a while, even contact with her spouse dropped off till she said she was content not having to be bothered by anyone. She would hole up in her closet with a book and stay there for days – ordering meals from Uber Eats and online grocery delivery to be left on her doorstep. When concerned neighbors who had not seen her for months called the police, they were able to establish that she was OK, but just didn’t care to see anyone. She went on to say since no one was doing anything but surfing social media and watching re-runs on Hulu and Netflix, she found she had nothing to talk about. Soon, any attempts to communicate just dropped off to zero. She said she stopped answering her phone when every other caller was a robocall to tell her that her car warranty was about to expire. She said she no longer misses human interaction now and is content to stay inside like a hermit.

The CDC plans to study this, but it has become difficult finding people to respond to their requests to interview them.

Brian Kemp Announces He Found Those 11,800 Missing Ballots for Trump

 

Satirical News Service
Atlanta, GA

As Joe Biden approaches 100 days in office, Georgia’s Governor today made a surprise announcement that “He has found those 11.800 missing ballots for Trump in the last election”. In his press conference, he stated, “I was cleaning out my garage and behind the paint cans, well, there they were, just as Donald Trump predicted. I don’t know why I put them there, but here they are.”

In a statement to the press, Trump said that Biden should immediately resign as well as all of his cabinet appointees, and all his legislation be voided immediately. He is prepared to assume the presidency immediately, but plans to stay at Mar-a-Lago until the White House can be vacated, and Trump can get in a few more rounds of golf.

Border Patrol Picks Up “Abandoned Boy” at US-Texas Border

 

Satirical News Service
El Paso, TX

US Border Patrol agents today came across this tearful boy who was wandering along a deserted stretch of desert road at the US Texas Border. The boy was dragging a suitcase and was completely lost. He claimed that his party had abandoned him and was trying to get somewhere safe. He claims he left Cancun many days ago fleeing from the squalid conditions at his 5-star resort to seek asylum in the USA with the  Right Wing News media. The Party he had been with abandoned him leaving him to manage completely on his own.

Geogia's New Major League Baseball Game Requirements

Satirical News Service
Atlanta, GA

In response to MLB taking the All-Star game out of Atlanta as well as the MLB draft, Georgia legislators are issuing new restrictions on people wanting to attend professional baseball games in that state. Tickets will only be sold on the day of the game or one day before. Fans will be required to produce 2 forms of valid ID before tickets can be purçhased. No tickets will be sold online and out-of-state residence must show a valid reason for purchasing tickets remotely. In a statement, Governor Kemp said these measures were needed to prevent what he termed "rampant ticket fraud in ticket sales to MLB games" - an unproven allegation. Finally, no drinks or water may be consumed at any MLB game anyone caught giving a beverage to someone attending a game or waiting to purchase a ticket to a game will be arrested.