Trump Declares Independence for His Disputed Electoral States of Arizona and Michigan

 

Satirical News Service
Mar-a-Lago, Florida

Taking his cue from Russia’s Vladimir Putin, Donald Trump today declared what he claimed to be the disputed electoral states of Michigan and Arizona in the last election as “breakaway republics”. He named them Melanigrad and Ivankatonia. He further declared himself as the President for Life of Melanigrad, and his son Eric President for Life of Ivankagrad.

“Since it was apparent that those ungrateful putz’s I put on the Supreme court wouldn’t overturn the election results for me and now keep trying to get my important documents for their Democratic-led witch hunt, I left it to those wonderful people who stood by me on January 6^th, and who now have declared their former states of Michigan and Arizona to be 'independent breakaway republics'. Undoubtedly fake-president Biden will try to threaten us with sending in Federal troops to invade our sovereign nations, so I have asked President Putin to send in 'Peace-Keeping troops' to protect our sacred borders."

NBC Olympic Skating Commentators Rate the Biden-Putin Call

 

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

Yesterday President Biden and President Putin spoke to each other in a possibly last attempt to avoid conflict. Listening in on the call were the NBC Olympic skating commentators who judged the call. Here is what the commentators had to say

C1:  I think Biden started out very strong in his opening. He performed the triple threat perfectly but was a little awkward landing the "NATO is all united together" piece.

C2: Putin’s performance was just a little bit staid, but still a very strong showing. As you know he still holds the top ranking from his previous engagement with Ukraine, and totally crushed his performances with previous President Trump. All the same his aggressive opening moves went a little sloppy when he overplayed his own triple threat.

C3: I agree, when Putin went against the French President he was a lot stronger, and soft-peddled his threat to Ukraine in much smoother performance.

C1: Overall how do you think Biden held up for the end of the call. I sensed he was a lot more tired than after his first call. He just could not seem to land his ultimatum well, and the judges marked his score down. Putin on the other hand kept up his performance totally unperturbed by Biden’s  NATO moves.

C2: Well we’ll just have to see how they perform in their final round which could come any time now. A slip or fall in either contender’s performance could hand the gold medal into the other contender’s hands.

Jen Psaki Reveals the Real Cause for Recent Inflation

 

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

 In an exclusive interview with Press Secretary Jen Psaki, we got a first-time look at what the real cause is for the recent rise in inflation. A group of four of us from SNS were led into a sub-basement maze that revealed a TOP SECRET room deep in the bowels of the White House. In it, we were shown a large array of levers to the accompanying hum of machinery operating.

“This is the room where we manage the levers that control the price of things. It’s what makes gas prices go up or down, or controls the supply of Orange Juice at your local supermarket. Many people are under the mistaken perception that these are all factors of supply and demand and fluctuations in interest rates or money supply. Nothing could be further from the truth. Here is where the President has direct control of these things. It is a very very delicate apparatus. It goes back as far as the Hoover administration where President Hoover wanted to take more control over the economy himself. Unfortunately, he had no idea what he was doing and he started monkeying with the levers and shorted the whole thing out. The result was a crash in the stock market and the Dust Bowl. After that, access to this room was strictly limited. Unfortunately Jimmy Carter – an engineer himself – felt he had the skill and engineering knowledge to play with it. The result was a huge rise in inflation and interest. After aides to Regan got things reset, most administrations usually just left things alone. Trump was way too busy playing golf to care about it so he never came near the room.  When Biden took office he wanted to try to get things fixed faster. He was doing pretty well until about a month ago, rats or something got into the wiring and intermittently started shorting out several of the key controllers – one was controlling the gasoline prices at the pump, another was controlling housing prices, and a third was for certain foods like meat and poultry.  Apparently, they ate through the wiring causing intermittent sudden rises in those prices. That’s the reason they acquired the White House Cat. Fixing this has been a nightmare. The designer left no plans and what diagrams we have are pretty inaccurate. He and Jill have been down here most nights with a team of engineers trying to get the damn thing fixed. Bless his heart – the man feels personally responsible for it. His biggest fear is if Republicans get back in power they’ll really mess up the works. Can you imagine Marjorie Taylor Greene down here playing with the price control levers?” 

Trump Releases His Own Cryptocurrency – The Ful

 

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

 In a never-ending attempt to fleece his supporters, The Trump Empire announced that it was creating its very own Cryptocurrency called “Fuls”.  Naturally each of these “virtual tokens” bears the likeness of Donald himself. The initial value of each of these “Fuls” was declared to be 1.5 million dollars by the organization, but savvy investors say it is actually worthless. The Trump Organization says that it could be used in the future to buy specific things – like pardons, judicial appointments, political appointments, and even whole elections.  They are hoping that wealthy Russian oligarchs who are starting to get very nervous about their financial investments would switch to something that they feel would offer them more stability. It is rumored that Paul Manafort would head the Trump Organization’s new enterprise in exchange for his continued silence “on certain matters”.

Trump Supporters Riot Demanding Officials Overturn Punxsutawney Phil’s Prediction

 

Satirical News Service
Gobbler’s Knob, PA

Within minutes of Groundhog Day officials declaring that  “Punxsutawney Phil has definitely seen his shadow”, a riot broke out of Trump supporters demanding that those same officials overturn the prediction. Shouts of “It’s rigged!” and “Hang Punxsutawney Phil” rang out from the crowd who charged the stage. Local police tried their best to contain the rabid crowd allowing the terrified handlers of the poor groundhog and chance to escape.