Supreme Court Ruling will Bring About A Different Sports Commentary to Football

 

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

Now that the Supreme Court has ruled in favor of coaches praying on the 50-yard line, sports commentaries will take on a totally new spin.

Commentor1:  Bill what did you think of that last play. Do you think the coach got it right?

Commentor2: Jim, I’ve seen a lot of calls but the use of Proverbs 24:17 was brilliant. “...lurk like a thief near the house of the righteous, and plunder their dwelling place”. The quarterback never saw it coming. He got sacked almost immediately.

Comentator2: How about the second-quarter defensive play. Do you think the coach was smart to go with Psalms 143:12 – "Thou shalt deliver me from evildoers and save me from bloodthirsty men. See how they lie in wait for me! Fierce men conspire against me for no offense of mine”?

Commentator1: No Bill, he would have been much better going with Psalms 123:2 - "...thou shalt quicken--bring out--cut off--destroy"

Commentator2: I think we can all agree that the coach totally blundered when he went with Psalms 23 in the 4^th quarter “...He maketh me lie down on green pastures”. That prayer probably cost them the game.

January Sixth Commission Released tape of Trump Phone call to Greenland's PM – “Where are my votes”

 

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

The January Sixth Commission has just now revealed a tape recording that Donald Trump made to Múte B. Egede, Current Prime Minister of Greenland, in December 2020. In the call, he demanded to know where the 7 million votes for him from Greenland. Here is a transcript of that call.

Trump: Good Evening Mr. Egede, this is President Donald Trump calling. I want to know what you did with the 7 million votes for me in the presidential election this past month?  

Múte: Mr. Trump, I have no idea what you are referring to. Greenlanders cannot vote in US elections

Trump: As you perfectly well know I bought your icebound little shit-hole country in August of 2019 and signed an Executive Presidential Order making it the 51^st state. Just ask Rudy Giuliani. The Democrats here are trying everything they can to steal the election from me. I need you to find me those 7 million votes so I can claim I won.

Múte: (silence) then (click)

Trump: Mute? Hellooooooo?

NRA Concierge Service Planned

 

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

Today the NRA announced that it was planning to offer an exclusive concierge service for people planning a mass shooting. In their statement about its purpose, the NRA stated the following.

"Planning a mass shooting event whether it’s in a mall, church, or local school can be a daunting affair. How much ammo should I buy? Is it the right caliber? How many weapons do I need and what type? What about tactical gear? Our concierge service can help answer these and many other questions and get you started on your way to whatever mass casualty event you’re planning. We’re contracted with hundreds of gun shops and military-type equipment vendors that can rent you all you need. No fussy background checks, no red flag checks, not even a lot of cash. You can simply charge it! Besides, you won’t be paying for it at all if things turn out the way you expect. We’ll supply all the guns, ammo, and tactical gear customized to the exact type of mass shooting you’re planning – even supply you with books on how to plan an assault. Also, the most important item that many people who are planning their mass shootings forget is their 'statement of motive'. Is your motive political?  Revenge?  Personal grudge? Without a clear and concise motive, many of your potential victims’ loved ones and the public will forever wonder what possessed you? We have skilled writers on staff who will guide you through this process enabling you to state your motives in such an impassioned way that should you survive and face trial, no self-respecting jury would ever convict you.  It all comes down to your GOD-given right to bear arms."