US Debt Problem Solved – Big Numbers to be Re-named

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

In a rare display of unity today, both Republicans and Democrats have agreed on a radical way to bring down the national dept without raising taxes or making spending cuts.
“The answer was so simple – I can’t believe we didn’t think of it before!” stated House Speaker Mitch McConnell.
The proposed solution involves re-naming very large numbers. A trillion will now be called a billion, and a billion will now be called a million. It was felt that a thousand and lower should remain untouched, but it does leave a gap between a thousand and what was formerly called a million.
By re-naming these large numbers the budget dept problem is solved. Instantly the 1.3 trillion dollar national dept becomes a 1.3 billion dollar dept. Heck, that’s lunch money for Warren Buffet!
Republicans are quite enthusiastic about this since tax rates based on those formerly named large numbers will be revalued, so that people making several billion dollars will now only be said to make several million dollars.
The only people who seem to be down on the idea are Executives from Google whose name Google, derives from a one with a hundred zeros. Under the new nomenclature, Google will have to be renamed to One-with-a-hundred zeros.

Adjective Laden Bills Lead the Way for New Bills in Congress

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

Following the House of Representatives’ passage of the “Jobs-Killing-Health-Care-Bill-Repeal” act, the newly elected representatives are planning to introduce other such adjective laden bills to this coming year in Congress.

First and Foremost is the

Barak-Obama-who-really was-born-in-Kenya-and-wants-to-redistribute-the-wealth-by raising-your-taxes Appropriations Bill.

Followed by the

Get-Big-Government-off-our-backs clean energy Bill

Drill-Baby-Drill Oil Exploration in the Arctic Bill

We’re-gonna-touch-your-junk-and-anthing-else-we-want Homeland Security appropriations Bill

“out-of-my-cold-dead-hands" limitation on the sale of extended ammunitions clips and sales of guns to minors Bill

And the

We-shoulda-just-Nuked-em Defense spending Appropriations Bill.

Obama’s Dog “Bo” Goes Missing Just Prior To Chinese State Dinner

Satirical News service
Washington DC

The Obama’s dog “Bo” mysteriously went missing yesterday, just prior to the state dinner with the visiting Chinese head, Hu. Sources say that it was last seen playing in the Rose garden and then just disappeared.
At the state dinner, Obama pledged to forge a new relationship with China that would create more jobs for Americans. In honor of this visit, Hu was served a special Chinese dish xiāng ròu or “fragrant meat”. The ingredients were not revealed.
In other news the House of Representatives, in keeping with their pre-election pledge, passed a bill repealing Health Care for all Americans. From now on only leeches will be available to treat bad humors of the body. In related news WellPoint, the parent company of Blue Cross announced today that it has just created over 1000 new jobs, all of them lobbyists for the Health Insurance Industry. According to one WellPoint spokesperson “This shows that repealing Obamacare will create jobs”

Nancy Pelosi Gets Test of New Speaker's Gavel

Satirical News Service

Washington DC

Nancy Pelosi today got the first test of the gavel that the New Speaker plans to use on (I mean in) the House of Representatives to keep them in-line with the Tea Party Values that elected them.

First act of New Tea Party Congress - Delcare Obama and Biden Legally Dead

Satricial News Service
Washington DC

In their first act as the "Tea Party Congress", the House today passed a resolution declaring Presdient Obama and VP Biden "Legally dead". This clears the way for John Boehner, now the speaker of the House to assume the duties of President. According to one "Tea Party" congress person, "While we cannot produce a Birth Certificate for Obama, we can now definitely produce a Death Certificate." Although a state funeral date has not been announced, the New Speaker of the House will be sworn in on Friday as the new acting President. Since the sitting Presdient is "legally dead", he cannot veto this bill. Next on the agenda is the repeal of Obamacare, Medicare, and the Bill of Rights.

Restless Leg Syndrome Telethon Xmas Eve

As the un-authorized, un-official spokesperson for Restless Leg Syndrome Telethon, I urge all of you to tune in at 12:01 am Xmas morning on your local unobtainable analog broadcast TV station, for the first Restless Leg Syndrome Telethon.
When Restless Leg Syndrome was first discovered three years ago, the airwaves were filled with TV ads to ask your doctor about medications for RLS. Then….silence. You probably haven’t seen an ad for RLS for more than 1 year. Just when RLS sufferers were beginning to come out of the shadows and were asking their doctors to prescribe these ridiculously expensive drugs, the pharmaceutical companies pulled the ads.
Now my telethon hopes to raise money so that more TV ads for these insanely overpriced medications can be broadcast once again, and new research can be done to invent new diseases to treat with poorly selling drugs. Maybe in time research can even be devoted to find drugs that can cure “erections-lasting-more-than-four-hours” … then again, maybe not.

TSA Tasked with Verifying START Treaty

Satirical News Service'

Washington DC

Following this week’s ratification of the START treaty by Congress, the Obama administration has tasked the TSA with the job of inspection and verification.
“These individuals have been trained for this task or inspection and finding explosives”, said the lead negotiator for START.
Already in tests they have found 2 bottles of liquids containing more than 3 oz, a pair of scissors and a pocket knife in the first round of soviet missile inspections. “We are well on our way to verification”.