Christi’s Set to Auction Digital Farts for over 600 Thousand Dollars

Satirical News Service 

New York, NY 

With the craze for NFT Digital Art starting to fade, entrepreneurs have come up with a new scheme for so-called NFTs, Digital Farts! These are digitally captured sounds of rather loud flatulence accompanied by a scratch-and-sniff matrix. When each cell is scratched, it releases a unique odor of the creator’s own flatulence. Each of the pieces on auction will contain 25 unique farts and smells and each one bearing their own NFT. Since each of the 20 cells of sounds and smells can only be used once, it only increases its value to collectors. “Imagine if you could experience the actual sound and smell of great artists like Picasso or Van Gough. It would be just like you are in the room right next to them sharing a uniquely intimate experience “. 

Baby Formula Shortage Linked to High Levels of CRT Contamination

 

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

 The nationwide shortage of baby formula that has swept this country has now been linked to the closure of one of the three factories that make baby formula here in the USA due to high levels of CRT that were contaminating large batches. The entire production had to be recalled and production stopped. CRT or Critical Race Theory has recently been appearing in Children’s storybooks, school curriculums, and even Math textbooks. Florida’s governor, Ron DeSantis has even gone so far as to ban the teaching of Math until new CRT-free textbooks can be produced. The factory that produced the contaminated baby formula suspects that the production line might have gotten contaminated when some Antifa leaning employee brought in a copy of “WOKE BABY” to share with her co-workers. The contamination spread into the product line and the whole factory had to be shut down for purging. The “so-called shortage” is also linked to retailers who are intentionally hoarding stockpiles of it in anticipation of an explosion in the US birthrates after the Supreme Court overturns Roe vs. Wade, and states begin passing and enforcing draconian anti-abortion laws. The billions of abortions that happen almost daily in those states will be reduced to a trickle, and all those babies will be born en-mass. Demand for Baby formula will skyrocket and we’ll profit mightily. THANK YOU, SCOTUS!

Governor Abbott Proposes New “COVID Spreader Trials”

 

Satirical News Service
Austin, Texas

In an effort to deflect blame for rising COVID cases in his state without having to mandate masks, school closings, or vaccinations he has come up with a new plan modeled after the famed Salem Witch Trials. It allows people to accuse others of giving them COVID, not through normal  (*unproven) transition modes, but through nefarious means which are accepted as valid. Ordinary citizens could then use a special court held by Abbott's own appointed judges to adjudicate civil actions against the accused. Much like their draconian abortion laws, the state has no enforcement or need to adhere to habeas corpus. Vigilante groups will be able to round up accused spreaders and sue them for damages ranging from a few hundred dollars to several thousands. In the same way that Abbott has managed abortion rights, he is rallying his base around his new “Covid Rights Bill”.

DeSantis Comes Out Strongly for a “Don’t Say Meow” Bill in Florida

 

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

Following a recent Washington Post report about Nebraska State Senator railing about “students who identify themselves as 'Cats' were demanding that litter boxes be placed in school bathrooms", Florida’s governor Ron DeSantis has come out on this as “the central issue of my 2022 campaign for governor”.  

Governor DeSantis recently became a national lightning rod for his “Anti-Woke” bill and “Don’t Say Gay Bill” which prevented school teachers from talking or even mentioning gender and sexual identity in the classroom. Now that that bill has become law and a rallying point for wannabe Trump contenders, he feels that this new bill could really “own-the-libs”. 

Aside from this, DeSantis has stated almost nothing about bringing Florida’s economy back and addressing some of the most serious environmental issues that threaten Florida’s tourist and sport fishing industries, not any mention of the growing gun violence that has plagued the state for the past six years.

Republicans Organize Aide Relief to Oligarchs

 Satirical News Service
Washington, DC

It’s a tearful scene here at Teterboro Airport here in New Jersey as Russian-owned private jets are forced to land by authorities who are enforcing the sanctions against Russia. It is almost too much to bear as these poor souls deplane, separated from their mistresses and concubines and forced to stay in 3 and 4-star hotels – some even without room service.

A group of Republicans, including many big donors and people in power, are organizing Aide Relief to Oligarchs.

“We want to provide basic humanitarian aid to these poor displaced souls – basic needs like imported caviar, luxury limousines, and private jets. “ It’s hardly their fault that those tyrannical NATO states have taken away their basic necessities – like yachts, luxury apartments, and access to their billions of ill-gotten dollars. We are organizing convoys of limousines and people are donating their luxury yachts and jets to aid in their efforts.  There is even a group of prostitutes from Nevada that have offered up their services to help these poor souls through this time of difficulty. Even Trump has offered to shelter these refugees in his Trump Tower with differed payments at only 35% per day interest rates.”

Trump Declares Independence for His Disputed Electoral States of Arizona and Michigan

 

Satirical News Service
Mar-a-Lago, Florida

Taking his cue from Russia’s Vladimir Putin, Donald Trump today declared what he claimed to be the disputed electoral states of Michigan and Arizona in the last election as “breakaway republics”. He named them Melanigrad and Ivankatonia. He further declared himself as the President for Life of Melanigrad, and his son Eric President for Life of Ivankagrad.

“Since it was apparent that those ungrateful putz’s I put on the Supreme court wouldn’t overturn the election results for me and now keep trying to get my important documents for their Democratic-led witch hunt, I left it to those wonderful people who stood by me on January 6^th, and who now have declared their former states of Michigan and Arizona to be 'independent breakaway republics'. Undoubtedly fake-president Biden will try to threaten us with sending in Federal troops to invade our sovereign nations, so I have asked President Putin to send in 'Peace-Keeping troops' to protect our sacred borders."

NBC Olympic Skating Commentators Rate the Biden-Putin Call

 

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

Yesterday President Biden and President Putin spoke to each other in a possibly last attempt to avoid conflict. Listening in on the call were the NBC Olympic skating commentators who judged the call. Here is what the commentators had to say

C1:  I think Biden started out very strong in his opening. He performed the triple threat perfectly but was a little awkward landing the "NATO is all united together" piece.

C2: Putin’s performance was just a little bit staid, but still a very strong showing. As you know he still holds the top ranking from his previous engagement with Ukraine, and totally crushed his performances with previous President Trump. All the same his aggressive opening moves went a little sloppy when he overplayed his own triple threat.

C3: I agree, when Putin went against the French President he was a lot stronger, and soft-peddled his threat to Ukraine in much smoother performance.

C1: Overall how do you think Biden held up for the end of the call. I sensed he was a lot more tired than after his first call. He just could not seem to land his ultimatum well, and the judges marked his score down. Putin on the other hand kept up his performance totally unperturbed by Biden’s  NATO moves.

C2: Well we’ll just have to see how they perform in their final round which could come any time now. A slip or fall in either contender’s performance could hand the gold medal into the other contender’s hands.