DeSantis Makes Bold Proposal to Facilitate Hamas Hostage Deal

 

Satirical News Service
Washington, DC

In an effort to shore up his sagging polls and demonstrate his skill at handling tough international issues, DeSantis plans to offer a deal to Hamas where he would exchange 10 Homeless Americans and 10 Undocumented US border crossers for each Israeli hostage. He claims he already has the mechanism in place to do this as evidenced by his recent actions by arranging to send undocumented workers from Texas to Martha’s Vineyard last year. Now he is doubling down by offering to send not only undocumented workers from other states, by also Homeless people from California (just to stick it to Gavin Newsom). DeSantis promised that the people he sends over to Gaza will be very compliant and diligent workers – and if not Hamas can always deport them somewhere else.

Trump Presents His Conclusive Evidence of Election Fraud in Georgia

 

Satirical News Service
Mar-a-Largo, FL

After nearly 41 indictments came raining down naming Trump and others in Election Fraud in Georgia, Trump countered with a special “News” conference on Monday showing conclusive evidence  clearing him of any wrongdoing. To back up his claim he presented what he claimed was irrefutable evidence which showed a very grainy and blurry photo of (what he claims) is Hunter Biden at a laptop computer that is sending signals to Italian Satellites in Earth orbit that are in communicating instructions to Dominion Voting machines in Georgia to change Trump votes to Biden.

“No one can refute this”, he claimed in his 'News' conference, "it’s there for all to see that Hunter Biden is responsible for the voter fraud – not me. The FBI needs to stop this witch hunt for me and focus on finding Hunter Biden’s laptop which will prove my innocence.”

Mattel Tries to Launch “Ronny” Doll But Fails to Gain Any Sales

 

Satirical News Service
Washington, D.C.

In an effort to gain some traction from the recent success of the movie Barbie, The DeSantis campaign commissioned the toy maker Mattel to release a limited edition “Ronny” doll in the likeness of Ron DeSantis. However, after a brief test marketing effort with very poor sales and likeability ratings, Mattel withdrew the doll from the market after comments from mothers and girls showed the product was doomed from its inception.

“It always looks like it's scowling”, reported one parent

“It doesn’t seem to have an occupation or purpose and just looks stupid” comment another

Observers reported that kids playing with the dolls repeatedly got into fights with other Barbie Dolls – especially the Barbie School Board doll and the Barbie Librarian doll. Other girls playing with Ken dolls, especially the Afro-American-Ken dolls disliked him as did the Gay Alan dolls. His only friend dolls were “Trailer Trash Tom”, and “Biggot Bubba”. Even they started to dislike him, preferring instead to be friends with the “Can’t-Touch-Me Trump” doll.

In the end, Mattel just decided to abandon the effort and delegate the remaining unsold dolls to a landfill site in Florida.

Own Your Own "Target of FBI Investigation" Letter

Now, exclusively from MAGA Enterprises, you can own a genuine facsimile “Letter to notify you that you are the target of an FBI investigation” letter – with YOUR name on it - just like the one they sent me!  

The letter even bears the signature of that witch-hunting traitor Jack Smith and lists all the lies they are accusing me of. Just holding this in your hands, you’ll be able to share in my pain and resolve to win in 2024 so I can fire all those bastards who plotted against me.

Cost  - a mere $2000 which will help me defray my ever-mounting legal costs.

New Electric Cars Debut in 2028 Called the "Bunny" and the "Schildkröte" (Hare)

 

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

Ralston Purina, the parent company of Eveready Batteries has announced plans to enter into the electric car manufacturing business. It is expected to debut its first model in 2028 which they have named “The Energizer Bunny”. Coincidently  a German company Varta - BMZ Group will also begin manufacturing electric cars with its first model called the "Schildkröte" (Tortoise).  To foster increased sales, the two companies have agreed to stage a cross-country race between the two cars. It will be interesting to see who wins this race between the tortoise and the hare.

Miraculous Rescue After 40 days in Amazon

 

Satirical News Service
Knoxville, TN

Authorities in Tennessee are cheering tonight  after a miraculous rescue of 40 young children and infants who had been lost in an Amazon Warehouse for more than 40 days. They had accidentally wandered into an Amazon Truck on one of its stops that was then parked at the sprawling Amazon warehouse in  Mt. Juliet, Tennessee. Cut off from all civilization they survived by eating old sandwiches and snacks left there by workers. Despite numerous rescue attempts by robots, it was feared that they would not be found, or worse, be  delivered to the wrong address. Finally, a pet dog brought by one of the workers found them and they were able to send teams of rescuers to retrieve them. They appeared to all be in good health and are expected to be delivered back to their homes in two days.

Debt Ceiling Bill Hits Last Minute Snag Over Work Requirments for Billionares

 

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

 In a last-minute snag to get the Debt Ceiling Bill passed, Republicans are balking after discovering the work requirement for billionaires. Along with requirements for work to be eligible for food stamps, there is a provision that requires people earning more than  $500,000 of income a year must prove that they actually worked for it in order to receive all the tax loopholes and benefits they get. They must provide a paystub and show that all taxes were withheld on that income.  Telephones immediately started ringing in Republican offices demanding that this be stripped from the bill. “Why should we be expected to actually work? Isn’t it enough that we’re filthy rich and pay no taxes?”