Utah Endorses “Official State Handgun” - Other States Follow Suit

Satirical News Service
Povost,, Utah


Utah’s Gov. Gary Herbert this week signed ground-breaking legislation recognizing the Browning M1911 as the Official State Handgun. According to the Republican elected state governor “We feel this is in keeping with our pledge to refrain from frivolous matters and concentrate on matters that matter most to Utah. The Browning M1911 is honored for all the great achievements it has brought to this State and our Nation. “
Not to be upstaged by this event, Arizona passed a bill making the Glock 38 with Extended Ammunition clip its Official State Handgun, while New Jersey made the Smith and Wesson 38 their official “Weapon of Wack”. Former Governor Sarah Palin has urged Alaska to name the M-16 as their Official State Weapon.

In other news California has announced Marijuana as their “Official State Recreational Drug”.

CNN viewers disappointed with lack of Shock and Awe in Tripoli Air Raid

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

Viewers of CNN expecting a repeat of “Shock and Awe” as coined by Rumsfeld in the start of the bombing of Bagdad, got just “Bored and Bemused” with the first air raid on Tripoli. As one viewer put it, "I’ve seen backyard fireworks displays better than that – what, a few scenes of tracers and a lot of scenes of dark night sky. You’d think with all that oil money Gaddaffi could put up a few more fireworks than that for CNN."

Congressman Peter King to focus Congressional Investigations on Muslims’ role in Recent Natural Disasters

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

Committee on Homeland Security Chairman Rep. Peter King has now shifted the focus of his congressional investigation of US Muslims to their role in the recent spate of Natural Disasters both in the US and around the world. According to King, Muslims’ frequent prayers to “Allah”, the Muslim God, instead of “Jehovah” the Christian God has been the root cause of recent flooding, blizzards, earthquakes, and oil spills.
The committee plans a thorough investigation into this matter starting with their star witness, Charlie Sheen. Charlie Sheen, who also professes God-like powers and personally knows “Jehovah”, plans to testify that he has first hand knowledge that these disasters were not caused by “Jehovah”.

He also plans to ask the Committee if he can use his own God-like powers to retaliate and create natural disasters in Muslim countries that are not allied to the US.

Original Satire from Steven Friedman

Wisconsin Governor and Republican State Senators plan sit in over NFL Players Union Decertification

Satirical News Service
Green Bay, Wisconsin

The Governor or Wisconsin and Republican State Senators are planning to stage a sit in a Lambeau Stadium to protest the decertification by the NFL players Union.

According to Wisconsin Governor Walker “This is an arbitrary meddling in the collective bargain process that is a fundamental right to all American Workers. This decertification move by the players union makes the likelihood that there would be no football season in 2011, and hence no Green Bay Packers games. This would be simply intolerable to this state and is grossly irresponsible, The Green Bay packers are workers just like any other workers and are entitled to collective bargaining over pensions, healthcare, and pay."

The Governor and Senators plan to camp out at Lambeau Stadium until the Players Union agree to restore collective bargaining with the NFL.

NPR Undergoes Radical Change – Removes the Liberal Bias to News (satire)

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

Congress today, in a move to exert more control over NPR in exchange for continued funding has appointed Rush Limbaugh to head National Public Broadcasting System.
According to sources close to him, this was done to “stop the liberal bias that has polluted the public airwaves and provide more balance view of the news”. Henceforth NPR (National Public Radio) will become National Patriotic Radio. It will feature shows like Blame it on All Things Considered Liberal, and Morning Sedition.
On the Television side of broadcasting, the documentary Investigative show called FRONTLINE will be replaced by AFRONT-LINE that will spend the next few seasons investigating Obama’s birthplace and “How Government Regulation of the Oil Industry Caused the Gulf Oil Spill.”
NOVA, the documentary Science series will be replace by NEVA. It will do features on showing how Creationism is really science, and Debunking the myth of Global Warming.

Experiment to Investigate “Loaves and Fishes” Bible Story Goes Awry

Satirical News Service
Rendondo Beach, CA

Scientists at UCLA who were investigating whether the biblical story of the loaves and fishes could be true inadvertently set off an ecological nightmare. According to one scientist, “The idea was to see if we could start with a single loaf of bread and a fish and produce enough to feed the multitudes, unfortunately someone must have put in the wrong data for the counting the multitudes. The result was that the entire coast is awash in dead anchovies" .

Redondo Beach is bracing for the second wave of this ecological disaster, namely “the loaves”. Coast watchers have picked up ominousof this as several packages of Wonder Bread were seen floating just off the coast.

China Backs “No Fry Zone” in Libya

Satirical News Service
Beijing, China

The Chinese Ambassador to the United Nations today indicated that China would support a “No Fry Zone” in Libya. In a verbal statement in English, the Ambassador stated “You no fry in Libya – You Fry – You die!” Experts are pondering the precise meaning of that statement as well as what exactly the Chinese meant by “No Fry Zone”.