5.8 Magnitude Earthquake Hit's East Coast - Standard and Poor's Downgrades it to 4.3

Satirical News Service

Washington, DC

An Earthquake shook the East Coast from Washington to Boston. While initial reports put it's strength at Magnitude 5.8. Standard & Poor's immediately downgraded this to 4.3 stating it had little impact on anything and therefore only warranted a 4.3 rating.

Mitt Romney Pushes for Corporate Personhood Amendment

Satirical News Service

Ames. Iowa

Immediately following his speech in Iowa where he declared "Corporations are People too!", Mitt Romney went on to push for a Corporation Personhood Amendment. According to a spokesperson for the Romney Campaign "We feel there is a need to explicitly spell out in the Constitution just when a Corporation becomes a Person." We feel this should be right at the moment of intercourse, or basically when a corporation first screws you". Tea Party faithfuls, while very leery of Romney's candidacy, may support this amendment drive.

Standard & Poor’s Downgrades GOD to Single “A” Rating

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

After a nearly a full year of natural disasters, blizzards, soaring heat waves, floods, tornadoes, famine, and fires, Standard & Poor's has downgraded JEHOVA's rating to single "A".

According to one spokesperson for S&P, "We feel in light of these and other events this year, we really have to re-examine JEHOVA's ability to remain all powerful and prevent these things from occurring." "The latest stock market crash is just one more example of people's faith in the Almighty's ability to prevent catastrophe being shaken."

The single "A" rating, down from "AAA+", means that praying to JEHOVA carries about the same weight as praying to Ishtar or perhaps Odin. On the news of this downgrade many people rushed to put their faith in other supreme powers such as the almighty dollar, golden calves and Donald Trump.

In unrelated news the CFO of Standard and Poor's was killed in a freak lightening strike while on the golf course shortly after this news was released.

Tea Party to Congress - No FAA!

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

In a surprising turnaround, the Republicans on Congress have rejected any new funding for the FAA. This is coming under increasing pressure from the Tea Party who feels that the FAA is not needed and should not be funded. According to one Tea Party leader, "The FAA is just another example of liberal big government bureaucrats imposing their will on ordinary citizens." "We don't need big government telling us where we can fly, when we can land and take off, and what we can fly." "It's our God given right as Americans to take-off and land whenever we want and go wherever we want without have to file some stupid flight plan, or ask permission from some government bureaucrat sitting in a control tower." "We already have one government agency protecting the skies - the TSA, and that's enough! I say put and end to this revenue eating bureaucracy and give more tax breaks instead!"

Compromise Reached In Dept Ceiling Debate – Obama Spared Balls Cut For Now

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

In a contentious last minute comprise over raising the debt ceiling, Congress finally reached an agreement that would raise the debt ceiling temporarily after the Democrats accept massive spending cuts and no tax increases, but still allow President Obama to keep his balls until the next round of debates. Despite this last minute passage, financial institutions have already downgraded the US Bond rating from AAA to TBDB which stands for either Total-Bunch-of-Dead-Beats or Total-Bunch-of-Douche-Bags.

Tea Party members were disappointed that they didn’t get a Balanced Budget Amendment and President Obama’s castration included this round, but plan on campaigning hard for them in the next round as well as repealing the 13^th Amendment (The abolishment of slavery) that they say will fulfill their pledge to create jobs!