The Periodic Table of Vitamins

The Nobel Prize in Chemistry next year is most likely going to go to Professor Irving Snodgrass for his discovery of the Periodic Table of Vitamins. Here is the transcript from his speech last year at the International Academy of Health Supplements.

Have you ever wondered why there is a Vitamin A,B,C,D,E, but no F. In fact the next vitamin letter is all the way up to K. And where are the rest of the letters?  This got me wondering, “Suppose vitamins were like the elements that had missing gaps in them simply because they haven’t been discovered?”  So I spent the next decade tirelessly looking for those missing vitamins that I just knew had to be out there.  The quest for these missing vitamins took me to China, India, and South American Jungles. Finally in 1998 I found my first “missing vitamin” – Vitamin G. Once I found this, I knew I was on the right track and it was only a matter of time before I  found Vitamin F,H, and J.

To find Vitamin L, M, N, O and P, I had to go to the deepest parts of the oceans and bring up rare worm-like anemones that lived at the base of underwater volcanoes. The following decade I spent in pursuit of Vitamin Q, R, S and T. This took me to Nepal and into the Hindu Kusch searching for mystics who had uncovered rare herbs that held the secret. There I was able to find Vitamins Q, S, and T, but Vitamin R  still remains yet to be discovered. 

The next discoveries were the Transmutation Vitamins. They were man made creations by meticulously combining very high dosages of Vitamins C, A, D and Q and T under tremendous pressures in a centrifuge to create Vitamins  U,V, and W. We are hoping to fill out the last of our discoveries at the Cern Nuclear accelerator by colliding Vitamins S, T, G and H at very high velocities. The residues produced here could yield these new vitamins. 

Most elusive of all will be Vitamins X,Y, and Z. NASA is planning to search for these on the next Comet Lander mission sometime in the coming decade. At these distances we won’t know if we've found them for months even years after the data is samples are even collected.

Now I am sure you are asking yourselves, “Why all the fuss?  How do we know how these will affect your health, or why your body needs them?”  Well the answer to this question is simple – “Because they’re Vitamins, stupid!” Do we question whether vitamin water is healthy, or why we need to take fistfuls of the known ones daily? Of course not! We simply know that all vitamins are healthy for us. What we didn't know before my discoveries was that there were far more vitamins out there than we ever realized, and now through my discoveries we can become healthier than we ever thought possible.