Super Bowl Officials To Lock Up Brady’s Balls Prior To Game

Satirical News Service
Phoenix, AZ

Today Super Bowl officials have taken the unprecedented step of announcing that they have ordered Tom Brady – The New England Patriot’s QB at the heart of deflategate – from touching or in any way handling his balls prior to and during  the game. Officials have further stated that 24 hours before the game, they will lock up Brady’s balls so that they cannot be in anyway tampered with. Brady was obviously displeased with the decision, but felt that in the interest of assuring fair play, he will comply with the restrictions. Seattle fans are of course hoping to see Brady’s balls naturally deflate during the course of the game.

Empty chair poised to be GOP front runner in early polls

Satirical News Service
Washington,DC

A recent poll conducted by the GOP governing committee found that the empty chair that was used as a foil by Clint Eastwood at the last GOP convention polled 10 to15 points higher than any other name mentioned. According to one person who told SNS why they preferred the empty chair, his reply was "At least it can keep its mouth shut!". The Koch brothers have already contributed more than 1 million dollars to the "Empty Chair for President" campaign.

Democrats blame midterm election defeat on Deflated balls

Satirical newservice
Washington DC

A new Post election analysis of the stunning defeat of the democrats in the midterm election now point to "deflated balls" and not dissatisfaction with the president as being the number one cause of their defeat.According to one un named democrat "The midterm defeat was clearly due to the fact that our balls were under inflated  while the balls that the Republicans were playing with were clearly overinflated. The Democrats want the election results to be nullified and re-done once the Democrats learn how to reinflate their balls.

Fatwa issued and carried out Against Frosty-the-Snowman

Satirical News Service
Minneapolis, MN

After a Saudi cleric issued a strict religious ruling last week that bans the building of snowmen because he says they are "anti-Islamic", a Fatwa was issued and successfully carried out against Frosty-The-Snowman. According to witnesses a dark van drove up to a street somewhere in the Minneapolis suburb of Edina, which recently had a large snowfall, and successfully carried out the Fatwa. It was done in the traditional Islamic manner of beheading, and the grim remains can be seen here. The perpetrators escaped but was heard to yell "Allahu Akbar" as they drove off. Other snow persons in the area now fear for their lives as well. Some have abandoned their usual garb or charcoal buttons and carrot noses, and have taken on disguises such as Halloween masks.