Joe Biden Holds Own Debate With Himself – “Should or Shouldn’t I Run?”

Joe Biden debated with himself for over three hours

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

 Joe Biden, who elected to skip the nationally televised Democratic Debate in Las Vegas last night, conducted his own non-televised debate with himself instead. Taking the stage, he went from one podium to another debating the one question “Should or Shouldn’t I run”. The debate lasted for over three hours, and by the end, not one of the eight people who attended could remember what the debate was about, or who won. Donald Trump, upon hearing about the un-publicized debate tweeted “Who Cares?”

VIDEO SHOWS PRE-TERM HOUSE SPEAKER BEING ABORTED AND THEN EVISCERATED.

Satirical News Service

Washington, DC

Planned Parenthood today released secretly obtained videos that purport to show a pre-term House Speaker being aborted and then eviscerated. This comes only weeks after videos surfaced showing  similar treatment to Cecil Richards. Although these videos are too graphic to be shown here, they show a cabal of Congressmen, belonging to a sect called “The Tea Party”, aborting this  helpless pre-term Speaker and then systematically eviscerating him in a secret ceremony held on Capitol Hill.

Planned Parenthood is demanding that the Koch Brothers immediately defund Congress so that these horrible practices can stop.

Ben Carson Courts the Pro Gun Lobby

Ben Carson released this new photo of himself today hoping to garner favor with the pro-gun lobby which praised his recent comments against gun control after the Oregon School shooting.

Vaccinations and Gluten, Not guns Blamed for Oregon Shooting says Trump

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

With Republicans desperately searching for something else to blame the Oregon Shooting on except guns, they have so far come up with loneliness, abortion and absentee fathers, (jindahl), liberal teachers, Muslim extremist videos, divorce, gay marriage, and “stuff”. 

Today Donald Trump came out came out with a new cause – Gluten. In a post Trump tweeted – “Look, I’m just saying that we already know that vaccinations cause autism, and there is a lot of evidence that eating food with gluten leads to violence.  Just the other day, a child 2 years old, 2½ years old- a beautiful child was eating a sandwich containing gluten, and came back, and an hour later started running around and hitting his baby brother. I think the evidence is pretty strong here that there is a link between vaccinations and eating gluten leading to mass shootings. We should be looking at that instead of constantly pinning the blame on guns.” 

Both Bobby Jindahl and Ben Carson say in this case they agree with Trump. Jeb Bush said if he were elected President he’d push for a 10 day waiting period for anyone buying a sandwich at Subway, and close the “hot-dog-buns loophole” at Sporting events.

Dumb Bombs in Syria Show Need for Standardized Tests for Bombs

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

According to sources in the State Department, Russia is dropping dumb bombs in Syria. This points out a growing international problem of bombs being passed along the chain without meeting basic literacy requirements of math, science, or reading.  According to one high ranking US Air Force officer, “The US long ago instituted standardized testing for their bombs in a well-publicized program called No Bomb Left Behind, instituted during the Bush administration. Every bomb we use must pass a series of standardized test in Math, Science, and Reading before we can pass it on to use on a mission. The Russians simply have not done this. Many of their bombs cannot perform even the most basic calculation such as ‘if it is traveling at 500 mph in 10 seconds, how far will it travel in 30 seconds?’, or ‘if it takes 1 kilo of explosive to destroy a house 5 meters square, how much explosive will it take to destroy a building 15 meters  square?’. They also fail to meet even basic proficiency in reading such as being able to distinguish a sign for ‘school’ or ‘hospital’ from ‘munitions depot’ or ‘command and control center’. Because of this we are likely to see a flood of bombs dropped in the Syrian and other conflicts that simply fall-and-blow-up. We are trying to work with the Russians to remedy this by insisting that they institute programs like the No Bomb Left Behind that demands that bombs pass standardized tests in math, science and reading. Contractors whose bombs consistently fail to meet these literacy standards will have their payments suspended until they do.  While it may add to their defense spending in the short run, in the long run it will lead a more educated theater of conflict.”