Dumb Bombs in Syria Show Need for Standardized Tests for Bombs

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

According to sources in the State Department, Russia is dropping dumb bombs in Syria. This points out a growing international problem of bombs being passed along the chain without meeting basic literacy requirements of math, science, or reading.  According to one high ranking US Air Force officer, “The US long ago instituted standardized testing for their bombs in a well-publicized program called No Bomb Left Behind, instituted during the Bush administration. Every bomb we use must pass a series of standardized test in Math, Science, and Reading before we can pass it on to use on a mission. The Russians simply have not done this. Many of their bombs cannot perform even the most basic calculation such as ‘if it is traveling at 500 mph in 10 seconds, how far will it travel in 30 seconds?’, or ‘if it takes 1 kilo of explosive to destroy a house 5 meters square, how much explosive will it take to destroy a building 15 meters  square?’. They also fail to meet even basic proficiency in reading such as being able to distinguish a sign for ‘school’ or ‘hospital’ from ‘munitions depot’ or ‘command and control center’. Because of this we are likely to see a flood of bombs dropped in the Syrian and other conflicts that simply fall-and-blow-up. We are trying to work with the Russians to remedy this by insisting that they institute programs like the No Bomb Left Behind that demands that bombs pass standardized tests in math, science and reading. Contractors whose bombs consistently fail to meet these literacy standards will have their payments suspended until they do.  While it may add to their defense spending in the short run, in the long run it will lead a more educated theater of conflict.”