Trump Plans to Impose 5% Tariff on Canadian Goods for Each Toronto Raptor Win in NBA Play-Offs

Satirical News Service

Washington DC

In an effort to show his “America is Greater” sentiment, and to curry favor with sports fans,  Trump today tweeted that he will impose a 5% tariff on all goods coming from Canada for each game that the victorious Toronto Raptors win in the NBA playoffs.

In his Tweet, he stated,

America is the greatest sports nation in the world and the only way Canada can win against America is by blatant cheating. Their refs are calling all kinds of fouls against Americans that American refs would not. Therefore I am imposing a 5% tariff for each additional win by the Toronto Raptors until the Canadian Government stops these cheaters.

Trump Cancels Visit to Arlington Due to Threat of Rain

Satirical News Service
Washington, D.C.

Trump today canceled plans to visit the graves of fallen soldiers at Arlington National Cemetary due to an imminent threat of rain in the forecast - just as he did in Europe for the VE Day Celebrations a year ago. Tweeting early this morning,

"It looks like it is going to rain today, so I am canceling my visit to Arlington. Besides, I like soldiers who are living and a lot less likely to die than dead ones. So instead I plan to visit our heroic Servicemen and Women who are shoring up our Southern Border and building my great big beautiful Wall."

Mafia Plans to Offer Their Own Abortion Clinics in States that Have Outlawed It

Satirical News Service
Newark, New Jersey

An unidentified spokesperson from one of the leading Crime families in the US stated that the Mob has plans underway to enter the market for providing their own abortion clinics in states that have passed laws that criminalize the practice. According to this unnamed source, 

“We’ve had a lot of experience providing needed services in areas that have delegitimized things – from drugs, booze and gambling, to short term loans. The more government tries to criminalize the legitimate access to things, the more people need us and we profit. We know who to pay off and how to keep law enforcement and politicians from interfering in our operations. As long as people have the need for these things – we’ll provide the service, albeit for a slightly higher price. We don’t bother with health insurance – it’s strictly cash. If you don’t have the dough right now, we can provide loans at our usual rates. If the gal doesn’t pay-up, we go after the boyfriend who knocked her up. I’d say there is a certain justice there. We’ve been providing this service to our own Molls since the 1920’s. We got some of the best docs in the country, so there’s no worry about safe and sanitary. In our operations, there ain't such a thing as malpractice."

Donald Trump Announces his Candidacy as a Democratic Presidential Candidate

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

Joining the more than 23 other announced candidates who have announced bids to run for President in 2020 as a Democrat, Donald Trump today, also announced inexplicably his candidacy to run on the Democratic ticket. In his statement to the Press, he stated, “Democrats really love me, they do. It’s only because Nancy Pelosi and Rick Schumer spread so many lies about me in their fake witch hunts that Democrats feel they have to vote Democratic. Once I enter their primaries, I’ll run-the-table on them and easily win their own nomination for President. That way I’ll actually be the ONLY choice for President. Either way, I win."

Election officials are not sure this is even legal and are looking into it. Meanwhile, Trump has plans to campaign as both Democrat and Republican in the upcoming primaries.