Satirical News Service
Newark, New Jersey
Newark, New Jersey
An unidentified spokesperson from one of the leading Crime families
in the US stated that the Mob has plans underway to enter the market for
providing their own abortion clinics in states that have passed laws that
criminalize the practice. According to this unnamed source,
“We’ve had a lot
of experience providing needed services in areas that have delegitimized things
– from drugs, booze and gambling, to short term loans. The more government
tries to criminalize the legitimate access to things, the more people need us
and we profit. We know who to pay off and how to keep law enforcement and politicians
from interfering in our operations. As long as people have the need for these
things – we’ll provide the service, albeit for a slightly higher price. We don’t
bother with health insurance – it’s strictly cash. If you don’t have the dough
right now, we can provide loans at our usual rates. If the gal doesn’t pay-up,
we go after the boyfriend who knocked her up. I’d say there is a certain
justice there. We’ve been providing this service to our own Molls since the
1920’s. We got some of the best docs in the country, so there’s no worry about
safe and sanitary. In our operations, there ain't such a thing as malpractice."
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