Negotiation Deadline Passed - Trump Now Says All the Illegal Immigrants Have Self Deported

Satirical News Service

Washington DC

After two weeks of failed negotiations with Democrats, Trump's deadline passed on his threat to have ICE start rounding up and deporting illegal aliens across the country. But today, President Trump tweeted.

CNN reports no unusual flow of traffic and sources in several “sanctuary cities” have reported no specific cases of people leaving.

Reparations for All

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

Amid the recent clamoring for reparations for Slavery, other organizations and members of Congress have jumped onto the reparations bandwagon. The advocacy group  “Save the Whales” wants Congress to pass a bill authorizing reparations to them for “all the whales that have been slaughtered through the years”. Not to be outdone, the Audubon Society is calling for reparations for the slaughter of Passenger Pigeons more than 150 years ago. Going even further afield, longtime decedents of the Texans that died at the Alamo now want reparations from Mexico, and Veterans groups from the 7^th Cavalry want Native Americans to pay reparations to them for Custer’s Last Stand. Some Republican  Congressmen and Trump supporters have even floated the idea of reparations to slave owners for their loss after the Emancipation Proclamation. Surprisingly, the Native American groups have remained silent on staking their claim to reparations for wrongdoing to them. Their response was “We have much bigger fish to fry and issues to address”.

Red Hen Restaurant Owner Graciously Offers Sarah Sanders A New Job

Satirical News Service
Lexington, VA

The owner of the Red Hen Restaurant – made famous by their kicking out Sarah Sanders, has graciously offered her a new job as dishwasher and trash handler after she leaves her post as Press Secretary. “She seems perfectly suited for this, the owner stated, “she’s used to cleaning up lots of trash and dirty leftovers, no matter how vile. Of course, we won’t let her anywhere near any edible food – she’d contaminate it.”

There is no word on whether or not Ms. Sanders will accept the offer.

Trump Admits Responding to Nigerian emails - “I Saw Nothing Wrong with That”

 Millions of Americans have done it! 

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

Donald Trump today revealed that he had recently been contacted by a Nigerian Official by email whom he did not report it to the FBI. In his statement, Trump revealed, “Last year I did receive an email from a man who claimed to be from the Nigerian Oil Ministry. He wasn’t offering any dirt on anyone. All he wanted to do is find a safe place to park his money so that that it didn’t get taken away by Liberals who were on a witch hunt out to prove that he'd gotten it through bribes.  I saw nothing wrong with responding to his emails – millions of Americans have done it! I happily responded to his offer to help him and park the money in many of my private offshore bank accounts. He did offer to pay me a small courtesy fee for the privilege, and I saw nothing wrong with that – I’m only helping out some foreign national who is in need of help. Why should I go reporting him to the FBI?”

Trump Threatens 25% Tariff on Covfefe imports from Nambia

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

Riding high on Trumps so-called” tariff victory with Mexico, the White House today announced today that it would begin placing a 25% tariff on covfefe imports from Nambia until they take stronger measures to prevent illegal immigrants from that country from entering the US. In his midnight hour tweet, Trump tweeted, “The Nambians are  going to feel the pain of my Yuge  tariffs unless they start immediately cracking down on the unprecedented flow of illegal immigrants from that country into our borders. I plan to impose a 25% tariff on covfefe to start with, and then on Hamberders.”

Republican Senators praised his tough stance on this country saying it is a “National Emergency, and it demonstrates again just how committed this president is to protecting our borders.”

NRA Backs Plan to Tear Down All Public Schools to Prevent Gun Violence

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

After the Jeffco School system this week proposed tearing down Columbine High School as a way to prevent further incidents there, the NRA came back strongly in favor of not only this but tearing down all public schools. In a press statement, NRA president Olly North stated

“These institutions have long been a  magnet for unstable individuals to perpetrate their gun fantasies of killing lots of people. It is clear that until we eliminate them, our Second Amendment Rights will constantly be under threat by Liberals who want to take away our guns.  Once these places are completely eliminated the American public will be far safer. This is only the beginning though. We need to seriously start thinking of tearing down places of work as well as now they have become magnets for gun violence. All the same, ultimately the only things that will put an end to the scourge of gun violence is to arm every American citizen.

State Department Denies That Trump Demanded That Megan Markel Be Covered Up for State Visit

Queen Elizabeth, The Duchess of Sussex (Megan Markel), and Prince Harry During Trump State Visit

Satirical News Service
London, England

The US State Department denied today claims that Trump demanded that Megan Markel, formally known as Her Royal Highness The Duchess of Sussex be covered up during his state visit to England. Sources close to Buckingham Palace said that Trump threatened to impose a 25% tariff on all goods from the UK unless the Royal Family complied with this request,.