Satirical News Service
Washington DC
With the
drum beats toward impeachment growing daily, Donald Trump now revealed today that the call was really just
an elaborated “comedy sketch”, that somehow didn’t go as planned. According to
Trump, he and Zelensky had planned this out months before with Giuliani’s help. Trump went on,
“Since I knew that
he was a comedian, and really missed doing comedy, I suggested we do a really funny phone call where I try to pressure you into
doing something outrageous. He was the one who suggested Joe Biden, and I
immediately loved it since he was already the butt of jokes all around Washington.
I added that it might make it better if we threatened to stop his arms
shipment.
But then he kept flubbing his lines. For example, when I said ‘The US
has been awful good to Ukraine’, he was supposed to say ‘How good?’. I was then
supposed to come back with ‘How good would you like it?’. Get it – ‘How good
would you like it?’
When he said ‘We worked a lot but I would like to confess to you
that I had an opportunity to learn from you. We used quite a few of your skills
and knowledge…’ He was supposed to H
add ‘that I learned from The Art of the Deal’
Then when I said ‘I just wanted to assure you once again that you
have nobody but friends around us. I make sure that I surround myself with the
best and most experienced people. I also wanted to tell you that we are
friends.’ I was supposed to add in my mafia-imitation voice ‘You would not want to do anything that might jeopardize that
friendship – now would you?’ I forgot to do that so the joke flopped.
Later when I said ‘Your economy is going to get better and better I
predict. You have a lot of assets. It's a great country. I was supposed to add ‘it would be a terrible shame if something bad
were to happen to it – especially if you didn’t get the arms we promised to
protect you from Russia’. Some of that got left off in the transcript.
Then I said ‘I have many Ukrainian friends, their incredible people, you know people that know how to deal
with people who don’t do what I ask.’ The translators omitted this in their
transcript.
He said in a very quivering voice,
‘I believe
we can be very successful and cooperating with United States. We are buying American oil, arms and everything else that Mr. Gulianni suggested. I am very
hopeful for a future meeting. We will have more time and more opportunities to
discuss these opportunities and get to know each other better. I would like to
thank you very much and tell you how much I support you.’
Then I said,
‘Congratulations on a fantastic job you're doing. The whole
world and especially I am watching very closely what you do’. Mr. Giuliani will
stay in close touch with you on these matters we discussed.’ The translators got this wrong too.
We actually did the whole thing using our ‘Mafia-Don’ and ‘quivering-shakedown-victim’
voices and it was really hysterical, but the transcript doesn’t tell you this.
The whole thing was really hysterical. I just hope
American people are laughing at it as much as we are.
