The Next Big Spin

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

Unconfirmed reports have just been made public that five people ranging in age from 67 to 10 have been gunned down on 5^th Avenue within sight of Trump Towers. According to eyewitnesses, Trump was seen just prior to the shooting storming out of Trump Towers yelling “I’ll show them I keep my campaign promises”. When police arrived at the scene, Trump was found nearby holding what the police report claims was a “smoking gun”.  At least one eye witness said she’d seen Trump aim a pistol and shoot those people. The police reported that when they confronted Trump he claimed, “Nothing happened here – go back to your jobs of rounding up illegal immigrants and drug dealers.”

While the image of Trump holding a smoking pistol  and the statement about “keeping his campaign promises” appeared to be damning, Republican  leaders immediately put out statements defending Trump.

“ Trump was merely responding to reports on FOX news saying what a terrific job he was doing keeping his campaign promises, and wanted to tell people on the street how happy he was about it.”

“The reports of him holding a “smoking gun” are completely erroneous and just another tactic of the Fake News Media to discredit our president. In fact, he was merely holding a gun-shaped vaping device, and was trying to inform people of how dangerous those things are.”

“The so-called eye-witness is merely another deep state operative bent on discrediting our President.”

“Those people lying dead in the street were all known terrorists operating in the US with plans of a mass shooting. Trump found out and acted as the “good-guy-with-a-gun”, shooting them dead before they could harm others.”

“Those people all committed suicide just to discredit our President”

Attorney General Barr has indicated that this is not a matter for local police, and after seeing the report determined that there was no wrongdoing and no basis for further investigation.