ReJector Set - This Season's Hottest New Toy

Say Republicans! This Holiday set your boy on a path to a  wonderful life in politics with Gilbrets latest hit toy, ReJector Set. 

With this toy, your boy can construct his own world of Alternative Facts that completely defy truth and logic. He can build Alt-Facts so realistic that congressmen, lawyers, and even presidents will swallow them completely. As time goes on he can add even more “yarns” to the set to build even bigger and wilder Alternative Facts.

Before long your boy will be running as a Republican for Congress, the Senate, even the Presidency all because of his ReJector Set.

*Not responsible for any future charges of perjury, obstruction of justice, bribery or other high crimes and misdemeanors resulting from this toy. Choking hazard exists from swallowing any parts of this toy.

Thanksgiving-Gate – New Quid Pro Quo Revelations

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

 New revelations have just emerged about a new quid pro quo deal between President Trump and “Bread-and-Butter”, this year’s pardoned turkey. In a complaint filed by a whistle-blower, it is alleged that Trump only agreed to pardon “Bread-and_Butter” in exchange for the turkey issuing a blanket pardon for Trump’s impeachment charges, and also investigate the Bidens. The whistle-blower is identified only as something of the feathered variety that spent his entire life in a barnyard and had first-hand knowledge of the arrangement. 

Congress is expected to take up the matter right after the Thanksgiving holiday if “Bread-and-Butter” can still be found. Republicans are already demanding “the head of the whistle-blower”, literally.

Obama Very Upset That Trump Extorted Ukraine To Investigate the Bidens Instead Of Him

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

Former President Barack Obama expressed his extreme disappointment that Trump wanted to extort the President of Ukraine to investigate the Bidens instead of him. In an exclusive interview with SNS, he said,

“The Bidens? The Bidens! REALLY. If anyone should be extorted to be investigated it should be about ME. I worked darn hard to fake my US birth certificate,  and what about all those nude photos of Trump I released to hackers, and of course there is that Steele Dossier that I created. The Bidens (distainfully)! They didn’t do SHIT. The best they were going to get on Hunter was the fact that they paid him a ridiculous salary to sleep till 11:00 am and play golf all the time. We already know that the Republicans think that’s perfectly fine. They got nothing there. ME….. well, maybe he can extort the Norwegians next time “

Whistle Blower Might Appear at Impeachment Trial as “Santa Claus”

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

In anticipation that Impeachment charges go forward and the case goes before the Senate for trial, Republicans are expecting to call forth “The Whistle Blower” to testify. In a shrewd effort  to both protect his identity, credibility and protect him from attacks by the Right, the whistle blower’s lawyers have proposed dressing him head-to-toe as Santa Claus. According to his lawyer,

“No one in their right mind is going to attack Santa Claus – especially during the Christmas Holidays. Anyone who has seen  Miracle on 34^th Street knows how that plays out. He could simply say 'his elves were the ones who told him that Trump was being a bad boy' without having to name specific names. Everyone already knows that Santa and his elves are always watching our every move, and they know when we’ve been naughty and when we’ve  been nice.”

NFL Referee Called to Testify at Impeachment Hearings - "He's a Whistle-blower"

Satirical News Service
Washington, DC

A very surprised and well-known referee for the NFL was called to testify before the Congressional Impeachment Committee. Under oath, he testified that "he did on many occasions blow his whistle when he saw rules being violated". He also testified that "he was not present during the notorious telephone call between Trump and Zelensky, and he had no idea why he was there." Adam Schiff then replied, "we have literally met the Republican's demand to produce the Whistleblower to provide testimony to the Impeachment Committee. Case Closed"

FOX TV to Air “The Real Counter Impeachment Hearings” Reality TV Show

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

With the Impeachment hearings becoming more and more devastating to the President, FOX TV is immediately airing a New “Counter Impeachment Hearings Reality TV Show”. This time actors will portray witnesses who will be carefully scripted to say contradictory statements that betray their partisanship. The Grand Inquisitor will be Donald Trump Himself who will “tear-them-a-new-one”.  An actor will portray Adam Schiff as a Bumbling idiot spouting vindictive lies and transparent falsehoods against the President.

According to TV executives at FOX, they expect to capture all of the FOX News audience who will prefer these fake ones instead of the real ones.

President Trump Holds Important Meeting with Turkey

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

 To demonstrate that he was totally unaffected by the Impeachment hearings on Capitol Hill today, President Trump help a press conference with a Turkey. It was supposed to be a press conference with the President of Turkey, but he left early to watch the televised Impeachment hearings. Among the important issues raised today was Turkey’s outrage over the annual genocide of Turkeys in November.

Trump supported the Turkey’s claim that it was a lie that the Pilgrims ate Turkey which they shared with the native Indians. In his statement, Trump said, “Many people have told me that the Pilgrims never even heard of Turkey or that the Indians shared their food. In fact, the Indians were very bad people – many of them were drug addicts, rapists, and murderers. But the Pilgrims reached out to them and invited to a wonderful dinner of Handergers. I am therefore signing an executive order making handergers the national dish for Thanksgiving, and to give thanks for my being totally exonerated by the Senate in these sham Impeachment proceedings."

Republicans Inadvertently Names the White House Leaf Blower Instead of Whistle blower

Satirical News Service
Washington, DC

Amid a rising chorus from Republican lawmakers who are parroting Trump's demand to release the name of the Whistle-blower, aides from the Office of Nunez accidentally gave out the name of the White House Leaf Blower. The gentleman, whose face is not shown here, suddenly found himself under death threats, and his car smeared with feces by unknown parties. The man, who is a naturalized US citizen suddenly found himself confronted by ICE agents who told him "he was going to be deported immediately" until lawyers for the company he worked for intervened to set the record straight.
The man and his terrified family immediately went into the witness protection program even though they have nothing to do with any events in the White House. " I only blow away the leaves that fall on the lawn", cried the helpless man.

Trump Declares Washington DC a Sanctuary City for Impeachment

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

Donald Trump today signed an Executive Presidential  Order making Washington DC a “sanctuary” city for Impeachment. “It would make it illegal for anyone to be impeached within this city. It would also make it illegal to investigate anyone for Impeachment or answer any subpoenas to testify about impeachment. If they want to impeach someone, they’ll have to find someone outside of Washington DC.”

If The Glove Fits - You Must Acquit

Satirical News Service
Washington, DC

With Trump's defenses for his Ukraine call crumbling daily as new witnesses verify that he did, in fact, threaten a "quid-pro-quo" deal with Ukraine, he is now trying a new defense. Based on misquoting the famous line used by Jonnie Cochran during the OJ Simpson trial, "If the glove doesn't fit, you must acquit", Trump is claiming that a huge puffy hand found at the scene of his infamous "perfect phone call" perfectly fits his "yuge" hand. He tweeted out "As my friend Jonnie said long ago 'If the glove fits, you must acquit!'"

The Charges of the Right Brigade

OK - It's a little forced, but it stays with the meter and the message. With profound apologies to Alfred Lord Tennyson, I present the modern-day version of - The Charge of the Light Brigade

Half a lie, Mostly lies, Completely lies onward

All in the Party of Trump, sat more than 200

“Forward the Right Brigade!”

“Charge Adam Schiff!” Trump said

All in the Volley of lies, rode the 200.

“Charges for the Whistle-Blower”, he said

Was anyone even dismayed?

Did anyone even care why?

Mitch says “Theirs but to do or Die!”

Into the volley of lies

Stood the Right Brigade

Charges from the Left

Counter Charges from the Right

McConnell in Front of them

Volleyed and Thundered

Into charges of Misdeeds Laid

Right into the lap of Trump

But firm stood the Right Brigade

Giuliani to the Right of Them

Pelosi to the Left of them

Donald in Front of them

Blasted and Thundered

Obstructions and Testimony laid bare

“Not truth” they’d  in unison yell

Told Lies till the final bell

All of the Right Brigade

Denied all the truths laid bare

Denied as they breathed in the air

Senators and Congressman 

Charged  “it’s the Democrats that lied” while 

All the nation wondered

Cast lots of mirrors and Smoke!

Not ounce of truth they spoke!

FOX News and CNN

Blasted each other’s gall

And then they all voted

“No” said the Right Brigade.

Oh, when can their mockery fade?

Oh what a shambles of our Constitution they made

“Oh the wild charges!” they brayed

While all the world wondered.

Honor the verdict they made?

Honor the Right Brigade?

Surely not to the Right Brigade.

Quid Pro Quo – The New Normal at the Trump Grill

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

With Trump and his Republican allies rigorously defending his “Quid-Pro-Quo” with Ukraine, the Trump Organization has decided to go all out to show just how normal and wide-spread quid-pro-quo is. To push the point, The Trump Grill is implementing a quid-pro-quo policy (though not publically admitting it). It goes something like this.

Customer: Waiter, we have very important guests here that need to be on a plane this evening to return back to their country. Can you please talk to the kitchen staff to make sure they get our orders out promptly.

Waiter: Very good sir!

1 hour later……

Customer (hailing his waiter):  Waiter, we’ve been waiting here for over an hour, and no one has brought us our food. My customers need to be on a plane later and they’ll miss their flight if it isn’t here soon!

Rudy Giuliani (comes to the table):  I hope you are enjoying your service here tonight. You know Mr. Trump goes out of his way to provide the best service.

Customer (angrily): I’ve told the waiter twice that it is critical that we get our meals soon since my clients have a flight to catch this evening. It’s been more than one and a half hours and we are still waiting!

Rudy: Well there is a little problem. Our kitchen staff doesn’t like the fact that the wait staff often takes their tips. So they are asking you to do them a little favor and leave them a tip “up-front” so-to-speak, just so that they are assured of getting their rightly share. Say, about 25%. Oh, and there will also be the usual 25% percent service charge tacked onto the bill as well.

Customer: That’s EXTORTION!

Rudy: Not in the LEAST! It quid-pro-quo, and there is nothing wrong with it at all. It’s done all the time in restaurants all over the world – especially in the countries that your clients come from. By doing this we are sending a message to their country to stop this practice. Please leave cash on the table – no credit cards are accepted for this extra transaction. Your food will then be out shortly. Enjoy your meal!