Trump to Show Surprise Check from Mexico for Border Wall Tonight at RNC Convention

 

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

 SNS has obtained an exclusive video of tonight’s big surprise at the RNC Convention where the focus will be on Immigration To a throng of pre-recorded cheers of “Build that wall” and "Who’s going to pay for it….Mexico”,  he will unveil a  huge check for 10 Billion Dollars purportedly sent by the Mexican government to pay for his border wall. In his speech, he will say “Nobody thought Mexico would pay for the wall, Nobody, but here it is. Now, what are we going to do with it?” (shouts of “Build that wall!”)

According to sources within the Mexican Government and President Andrés Manuel López Obrador, they have absolutely no knowledge of such a check being issued. In a statement, President Andrés Manuel López Obrador stated “It would be absurd to think for one minute that the Mexican government would pay even one peso for that piece of gringo trash. I'd like to see how he is going to try to cash it.”

Trump “Greatest Thing Ever Done for Women”

 

Satirical News Service

Washington DC

 In a bold move, Donald Trump today posthumously pardoned Susan B Anthony for convicted crimes nearly a century and a half ago.  In his signing ceremony, Trump touted

“This is the greatest thing ever done for women. Nobody ever thought to do this, but I did. Now that she is pardoned she can go walk free in heaven – or wherever she is now – and say Donald Trump had the courage to pardon me when no one else would. He’s the greatest President there ever was for women. Nobody knew that you could pardon dead people. I’m thinking maybe of pardoning some more dead women like Lizzie Borden – terrible miscarriage of justice."

In his statement, he went on to say “This was a sad time where many people felt it was fine to discriminate against women by denying them the right to vote. I have no such prejudice. I want to deny everyone equally the right to vote (well except for my base of loyal supporters)".

Trump Vows to Defeat the Terrorist Organization He Called “Ammonium Nitrate”

 

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

 In a late night tweet, President Trump tweeted,

“America will seek out and destroy the terrorist group named “Ammonium Nitrate” that I have learned recently claimed responsibility for the terrible explosion in Lebanon. After I successfully defeated ISIS and the Taliban – something no one thought I could do, I am going to send 10,000 troops to Lebanon to defeat the Ammonium Nitrates."

Millions of Unemployed Americans Take Up Golf to Show How Much They Value Work

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

In an effort to demonstrate to President Trump and Republicans in Congress that unemployed people value work as much as they do, millions of them have recently taken up the game of golf. 

“We want to show our President and Congress that the $600 they provide us with for extended unemployment benefits will not lead us to think that we can just do nothing and get paid by the government. No, we want to show, that we can work just as hard as they do. “

I recently followed one unemployed airline worker around one of the golf courses near his home. Here is what he said to me, “You know I had no idea how hard this is – getting up at 11:00 every morning and heading out here to swing a club all day. Thank GOD for golf carts, or I might have to walk this thing.  I’m still pretty bad at it, but it only shows me how motivated we all have to be to not just slack off and take money from hard-working taxpayers. I just can’t imagine how trump and all those Congresspeople do it every day. Sure, they probably make more than $600 in one second, but it’s not the amount that matters, but the principle of the thing. Work is work – whether you do it on the golf course, or slugging it out working 14-hour shifts in a hospital caring for all those Coronavirus patients – even if they are mostly just Crisis actors going on Ventilators just to make the president look bad.”

After our 3 martini lunch which we were able to deduct now, I have a new appreciation for the hard work it takes to get up and play golf day after day. Anyone who thinks that government money is just a hand-out should try it!