Trump Campaign Alarmed as Strategic Stockpile of Lies Becomes Depleted

 

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

High ranking officials for the Trump reelection campaign are alarmed that the nation’s strategic supply of lies has become depleted to their lowest level in years. As one unnamed official stated, “Even in a normal election year, we’d expect supplies of lies to become low, but this year combined with the Pandemic, we are running through our remaining stockpiles of lies faster than anyone could have predicted. On some days we are telling as many as 60 to 70 lies per day. At some campaign stops we are even forced to re-use the same lies over and over again putting people at risk for getting caught in their own web-of-lies. Because President Trump is using such a high volume of these lies, down ballot candidates must find new ones to tell the public on their own often resulting in some real whoppers that no one buys, and they are getting laughed at or booed. “

Secretly the Trump campaign has had to resort to purchasing lies manufactured in other countries such as Russia, China, and even our arch-foe Iran just to meet daily rally needs. Political scientists warned us long ago not to rely too heavily on lies to sway the American public. They warned early on that constantly telling lies over and over again could produce the “Boy Who Cried Wolf Syndrome” where people rapidly become totally immune to lies and disregard anything coming out of a candidate's mouth. Attack ads that rely exclusively on people believing chopped up clips from things people said years ago and taken completely out of context are no longer arousing people’s anger. Claims of “Ushering in Socialism” and “Raising taxes on the middle class” still appear to have some effect, but without new and more potent lies, Trump’s poll numbers are fading fast. He had hoped for an October surprise with Hunter Biden’s laptop hard drives, but their efficacy is still in doubt, and time is running out for them to gain traction before a surge of final votes is cast.

Trump signs Executive Order Declaring Him the Winner of the 2020 Presidential Election

 

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

Trump today signed an Executive Presidential declaring him the winner of the 2020 Presidential election regardless of the actual vote.

“The Constitution under Article II gives me the power to declare me the winner. This way we know already who is going to be president and not have to worry about voter fraud – which is rampant because of mail in ballots and COVID19 - which is disappearing because of great efforts “

In Response, FOX news has put Trump Wins across their banner.

Rudy Giuliani Produces “Hunter Biden’s Incriminating Letters to Santa”

 

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

 FOX News today reported that Rudy Giuliani has uncovered a “treasure trove of incriminating letters purportedly written by Hunter Biden to Santa when he was 8 years old”.  On Fox News, Giuliani stated that the Biden campaign has tried very hard to keep these covered up. They conclusively prove that he was asking for favors from the leader of a foreign government (i.e. Santa Claus and the North Pole) in exchange he promises to be “a good boy all year”. Giuliani went on to say, “It’s pretty clear what he means by being a good boy all year. He even goes on to say 'you can ask my Dad'. This is clearly the smoking gun we’ve been waiting for the conclusively proves that Hunter Biden enlisted his father to gain favors from a foreign leader in exchange for special gifts." 

The Trump White House is demanding that the FBI immediately announce that they are investigating Hunter Biden and well as former VP Joe Biden in connection with these letters and expect indictments before the election.

Trump Considers Running for Pope if He Loses

 

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

 In a rambling news conference today, Trump declared that he is considering running for Pope if he loses the US election.

“I know it inconceivable, but we have to be prepared for all outcomes especially with the Democrats casting all those fake mail-in ballots. But if I should lose, I’d consider running for Pope. All the Catholics love me here because I appointed Amy Comey Barrett who will outlaw abortion. I am already infallible so it’s an easy fit – and remember I miraculously got cured from COVID19 with hardly any help from doctors. That should count as a miracle, don’t you think? I also stopped Coronavirus early on when I stopped people coming from Chy-na, the place they invented Coronavirus in their secret labs. Nobody thought I could stop it, but I did – until the Democrats forced people to wear face masks. That spread the virus faster than anything. But I’d be a great Pope. Everyone says the current pope is way to old and frail, and far too liberal. He wanted to bring pedophiles to justice. I’m strongly against pedophiles as my Qanon friends will tell you. Priests should be prosecuted for stuff like that. I prefer priests that molest underage girls, like my friend Jeffery Epstein. My Evangelical friends say I should run for King of the Jews instead, but Benjamin Netanyahu is already King there, and we like him where he is. But one thing if I were Pope I’d never wear that stupid little beanie. I like that big tall hat.”

Trump Signs Executive Order to Sell California, Arizona, New Mexico and Texas back to Mexico

 

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

With days left to go in the Presidential Election, Trump’s poll numbers are sagging sharply in Arizona and once Solidly Red Texas as well as being solidly in the Blue column for California and New Mexico.  In response, he has launched his late October Surprise – “To sell those states back to Mexico”.

In a late-night Tweet showing him signing an Executive Presidential order, he tweeted to the governors and people of those states. “If you won’t stand by me – I won’t stand by you! See how you like living under Mexican Rule!”

The Executive Order agrees to sell those states for the sum of 20 billion dollars to the Republic of Mexico. “This is about the same amount that I said they would pay for the border wall, which they will now own. So you see, I kept my promise that WE would build the wall and MEXICO would pay for it!.”

This move also puts the election results in total disarray since those states’ votes would no longer be counted, nor would they have any representation in the Electoral College. It could change the entire dynamics for the 2020 vote as well as getting rid of Nancy Pelosi as House Speaker since California would no longer be part of the USA.

The Republican-led Senate praised this move as well as Trump’s base. With Amy Comey Barrett’s nomination sure to be approved, nothing can stop this from happening.

In the final part of the message, Trump Tweeted, “Alaska, I hope you are listening, Mr. Putin would love to have you back”.

ANTIFA VETS ENDORSES DONALD TRUMP IN 2020

 

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

 In a statement put out by someone claiming to be the leading general in the ANTIFA army put out a strong endorsement today for Donald Trump in 2020. In his statement he said,

“Before Donald Trump, we were a shadowy organization with no real leaders or formalized agenda. We would occasionally show up at rallies with masks and signs, but it was mainly a loosely tied group of liberals who came to protest on the weekends and then went back to their “Green Jobs” during the week. Now thanks to Trump we have a standing full-time army of thousands of full-time “soldiers” who are hatching every conceivable plot against the government you can imagine. It’s been a miracle. Now our recruits according to Trump come from everywhere – even the reddest and most rural of states. We have him to thank for that, so we strongly urge our ANTIFA Vets to support him this election.”

Next Debate to Feature Disney Animatronic Candidates Instead of Real Ones

 

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

With fears raging over Trump possibly spreading infection during the next debate along with the waning interest due to the contentiousness of the candidates, Disney has agreed to host the next debate at the Disney World Hall of Presidents. Instead of the actual candidates, there will be stand-in animatronic figures that will gesture and talk. Instead of a moderator, who no one seems to pay attention too anyway, kids under 10 will ask each candidate questions. The answers will be their pre-recorded attack ads that will be played sequentially regardless of the actual question that the kids pose. To spice things up those pre-recorded responses will sometimes overlap with other pre-recorded comments like “You loser!”, “No- YOU'RE the puppet”, “Man will you just shut up!”.  They may also feature an animatronic fly that buzzes the candidates and quips “Are you getting anything from this?” and "Betcha can't catch me". Upon exiting all visitors will receive a souvenir COVID 19 test.

Fish and Wildlife Experts Alarmed by Ballots Found in Waterways

 

Non-native invasive Russian Ballot found in Waterway

Satirical News Service
Washington, D.C.

Fish and Wildlife officials have become increasingly alarmed at finding large numbers of election ballots in Lakes, Rivers, and waterways. Fishermen recently have reported that once they caught trout and bass in these waterways and now all they seem to bring up are election ballots. Wildlife experts have concluded that these are not native ballots, but an invasive species from Russia. This was confirmed by the Cyrillic writing on them. Most of them seem to be marked for Trump. The official went on to say, “These ballots have obviously been dumped here by person’s unknown and they are creating a huge pollution problem. Once they get in the waterways they emit toxic wastes that kill off native species of Democratic ballots which have become increasingly rare in rural areas. We still don’t have a really good solution to this problem other than to try to stock these waterways with more democratic ballots that hopefully they will proliferate and drive out the invasive species."