Debt Ceiling Bill Hits Last Minute Snag Over Work Requirments for Billionares

 

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

 In a last-minute snag to get the Debt Ceiling Bill passed, Republicans are balking after discovering the work requirement for billionaires. Along with requirements for work to be eligible for food stamps, there is a provision that requires people earning more than  $500,000 of income a year must prove that they actually worked for it in order to receive all the tax loopholes and benefits they get. They must provide a paystub and show that all taxes were withheld on that income.  Telephones immediately started ringing in Republican offices demanding that this be stripped from the bill. “Why should we be expected to actually work? Isn’t it enough that we’re filthy rich and pay no taxes?”

Aide Accidently gives Trillion Dollar Coin to Homeless Man

 

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

 After the US Mint secretly minted a 1 Trillion Dollar platinum coin as a last-ditch effort to do an end run around defaulting on the National Debt, an aide who was tasked with delivering it to the Treasury accidentally gave it to a homeless man.

According to sources within the US Mint, the single coin had been minted just 12 hours before. An aide was tasked with actually delivering that coin into the hands of the Treasury Secretary before the midnight deadline after which time the US would default. The aide stated that he had every intention to deliver it, but as he was crossing Constitution Avenue, he ran into a homeless man who asked him if he had spare change. “I reached into my pocket and handed him a coin. I really thought it was a quarter, but when I got to the Treasury Department I realized my mistake – that I had given him the Trillion Dollar Coin”. Efforts to find the man were not successful, but authorities are certain that they’ll find him when he tries to use it to buy booze and expects change back.

DeSantis Sends all Disney Characters Back to California

 

Satirical News Service
Orlando, FL

Governor DeSantis today escalated his ongoing feud with Disney by staging a pre-opening raid by his “private Florida guard”. They rounded up all the Disney characters as they prepared to greet visitors and shuttled them to waiting planes headed  for Anaheim, California.  In a statement, DeSantis stated, “Until we can document that these characters are legal US citizens, we want them to return to their place of origin which is Disneyland in Anaheim, California”.” 

This is one more of a series of escalating measures to punish Disney for speaking out about his controversial “Don’t say Gay” bill. Horrified visitors waiting to get into the park were shocked to see armed agents in full tactical gear frog marching Mickey and Minney Mouse out of the park and into waiting buses.

Texans Flee To Sudan In A Desperate To Escape The Carnage Here

 

Satirical News Service
Fort Worth, Texas

Hundreds of Texans have crowded into airports here hoping to catch a mercy flight that will fly them to Sudan to escape the carnage here. With a mass shooting in Texans now nearly every other day, many individuals are concluding that they would be safer in Sudan than anywhere in Texas.

One refugee was quoted to say, “At least in Sudan you know who is shooting at you, and hopefully when one side wins or they can come to a consensus, the shooting will stop. Here in Texas, you have no idea who is going to shoot you, and since everyone here seems to own assault rifles and handguns it could be anyone who could shoot you anywhere. There is no end in sight. I’ll take my chances in Sudan. “

Those who cannot flee are urged to hunker down in the basement or safe place within their own homes, and not venture out to malls, bars, schools, or any place of entertainment. It is becoming increasingly difficult to survive in Texas since the power grid seems to fail whenever storms, cold or excess heat happens, and food is becoming scarce since they’ve cracked down on immigration and there is no one left to make the supply chain work. Some hope that the UN will intervene and impose some sort of sane gun control in that state, but right now the best place to be is elsewhere.

TORRIES HOLD UP CORONATION. DEMAND DEEP CONCESSIONS BEFORE ALLOWING KING TO BE CROWNED

 

Satirical News Service
London, UK

Taking a page from Republican lawmakers in the USA, The Torries putting a last-minute hold on tomorrow’s planned coronation of King Charles III. Torries are now demanding concessions from the Royals including abandoning any activities aimed at saving the environment and climate change, speaking about actions related to immigration, and repeal of any tax laws that tax the rich It has been nearly a century since the last monarch was crowned and never with strings attached. Officials who have been planning the Coronation for months are livid over these new demands. As one put it “They should have their heads on pikes on the castle wall.”

Florida Legislature Considering a New Class of People To Pass Laws Against

 

Satirical News Service
Tallahassee, Florida

With the “Don’t Say Gay Bill” passed, and DeSantis’s feud with Disney now headed for the courts, the Republican-dominated legislature is desperately looking for a new group of people to pass laws against. As one Legislator put it, "We need to keep our base’s furor up against these 'cultural issues' lest they WOKE up and start wanting us to focus on the actual real issues facing Floridians." 

High on their shortlist is Polydactylism. These are people who have six or more digits on their hands or feet. While it is relatively rare, it presents the perfect target for Republicans to single out a group to raise their furor against. One unnamed Republican legislator is quoted to have said, “These people have an unfair advantage in sports and other activities requiring manual dexterity. We need to ban them from participating in any of them. Can you imagine having to bat against a pitcher with 12 fingers – or a first baseman? We need to ban the sale of sporting equipment tailored to those needs as well as prevent doctors from providing hand therapy to them. This is the only way we can show Floridians and the American people that we are for a free and open society that is for equal opportunities for all.”

The Bill will be nicknamed the “Don’t Say Polydactyly” if they can manage to pronounce it.