Trump Announces His Next business venture -Trump Branded Mega Churches

Satirical News Service
New York, NY

After launching his Trump Branded Bible for a mere $60 each, Donald Trump has come up with another great money-making scheme to “fleece his flock”. He is going to launch Trump Branded Mega Churches throughout the country, starting in Deep-Red States like Florida and Texas.

According to the text that Trump posted on his Truth Social Network,
“America needs a new kind of church that does away with the WOKE ideology that is rampant in all the other churches. You won’t find any of that in my church. My church will stand for Guns, GOD, and Secure Borders.  No more liberal sermons about 'Love thy Neighbor' and 'Turn the Other Cheek'. In my church, you'll hear sermons about reporting your neighbors so they can be rounded up and deported, and if someone hits you on the cheek, you knock him flat. Any religion can worship in my churches as long as they first worship me. You won't find any voluntary collection plates either – it’s pay up front at the door for an amount yet to be determined. The best part about this venture is that churches can’t be taxed or prosecuted, since we stand for our First Amendment Right of   “Freedom of Religion”. We’ll also offer a full line of crucifixes designed by my daughter featuring me,since nobody has been persecuted more than me, and lots and lots of Religious books with children’s stories written by “you –know-who”. We’re gonna make millions!

Construction of the first one is expected as soon as he can line up financing – which might take a while considering….

Trump Manages to Secure Last Minute Bond at an Unusual Cost

 

 Only known photograph of "Shylock"

Satirical News Service
New York, New York

In a last-minute “reprieve”, Donald Trump was able to secure a bond for the nearly 500 million dollar judgment imposed by the New York Court for his fraud conviction. The source of funding came from a rather unusual source – a man known only by the name “Shylock” who is known to be one of the chief Russian Mafia Dons. Shylock – a name that bears no connection to Shakespeare’s Shylock agreed to put up the bond in exchange for “5 pounds of Donald Trump’s flesh taken from whatever parts we want”.  He has until the appellate court rules to repay the bond.

“Let’s just say if he don’t come up with the payback, this ain’t gonna be no liposuction job. My boys are going to get it the old-fashioned way. After that he goona be talking with a much higher voice – and he won’t have to worry about grabbing anyone’s P***y cause he aint gonna have no fingers or any reason to grap them, if you catch my meaning.”

Trump to Issue His Own Cryptocurrency Called the FUL

 

Satirical News Service
Mar a Lago, FL

In a never-ending attempt to fleece his supporters and raise money to pay New York State for his Fraud judgments, Donald Trump announced that it was creating its very own Cryptocurrency called “Fuls”.  Naturally each of these “virtual tokens” bears the likeness of Donald himself. Trump put the initial value of each of these “Fuls”  to be 1.5 million dollars, but savvy investors say it is actually worthless. Trump says that it could be used in the future to buy specific things – like pardons, judicial appointments, political appointments, court-ordered payments for fraud and defamation, and even whole elections.  They are hoping that wealthy Russian oligarchs who are starting to get very nervous about their financial investments would switch to something that they feel would offer them more stability. while i was initially rumored that Sam Bankman-Fried would head the  Organization’s new enterprise due to his expertise in such matters, it turns out that it will stay in the Trump family with Eric Trump heading up the organization.

As the saying goes - "A FUL and his money are soon parted".

The Uncontrolled Crisis in Your Mailbox

 

An Warning to All Americans by the gOPs

Dear Americans, 

I come to you tonight to talk about the greatest crisis facing Americans right now. No, I am not referring to the Southern Border. I am referring to the uncontrolled flood of junk mail that is invading America’s mailboxes daily.

Sure some of them are legitimate letters, but most are far more nefarious. Ads for sex boosters and abortion pills! Unproven pain remedies and vitamins. Contests promising exotic vacations or cruises, only to deliver you into the hands of thieves on huge ships or so-called resorts who will rob you blindly! Some of this so-called mail extorts innocent people directly by demanding monthly payments 

Much of this junk mail is carried by people hired by big government-run cartels called "carriers" who are paid mere pennies for each piece of “mail” that they deliver by the hundreds every day right into your mailbox!

And who is to blame for this? Well, I place the blame squarely on a certain individual who sits in the White House on Pennsylvania Avenue and has done nothing to stop it. 

But my party and our great leader Donald Trump have a solution. We plan to immediately put this into the hands of private companies who will screen each and every piece of mail before it gets into your mailbox to make sure it is not some WOKE solicitations by the ACLU or Democrat Terrorist organization, or even  worse an absentee ballot. They will ensure that only good pure Christian and patriotic messages get through to you. 

Mr. Trump’s message for Mr. Biden is this “Return to Sender, at Address unknown!”