Trump Manages to Secure Last Minute Bond at an Unusual Cost

 

 Only known photograph of "Shylock"

Satirical News Service
New York, New York

In a last-minute “reprieve”, Donald Trump was able to secure a bond for the nearly 500 million dollar judgment imposed by the New York Court for his fraud conviction. The source of funding came from a rather unusual source – a man known only by the name “Shylock” who is known to be one of the chief Russian Mafia Dons. Shylock – a name that bears no connection to Shakespeare’s Shylock agreed to put up the bond in exchange for “5 pounds of Donald Trump’s flesh taken from whatever parts we want”.  He has until the appellate court rules to repay the bond.

“Let’s just say if he don’t come up with the payback, this ain’t gonna be no liposuction job. My boys are going to get it the old-fashioned way. After that he goona be talking with a much higher voice – and he won’t have to worry about grabbing anyone’s P***y cause he aint gonna have no fingers or any reason to grap them, if you catch my meaning.”