Trump Manages to Secure Last Minute Bond at an Unusual Cost

 

 Only known photograph of "Shylock"

Satirical News Service
New York, New York

In a last-minute “reprieve”, Donald Trump was able to secure a bond for the nearly 500 million dollar judgment imposed by the New York Court for his fraud conviction. The source of funding came from a rather unusual source – a man known only by the name “Shylock” who is known to be one of the chief Russian Mafia Dons. Shylock – a name that bears no connection to Shakespeare’s Shylock agreed to put up the bond in exchange for “5 pounds of Donald Trump’s flesh taken from whatever parts we want”.  He has until the appellate court rules to repay the bond.

“Let’s just say if he don’t come up with the payback, this ain’t gonna be no liposuction job. My boys are going to get it the old-fashioned way. After that he goona be talking with a much higher voice – and he won’t have to worry about grabbing anyone’s P***y cause he aint gonna have no fingers or any reason to grap them, if you catch my meaning.”

Trump to Issue His Own Cryptocurrency Called the FUL

 

Satirical News Service
Mar a Lago, FL

In a never-ending attempt to fleece his supporters and raise money to pay New York State for his Fraud judgments, Donald Trump announced that it was creating its very own Cryptocurrency called “Fuls”.  Naturally each of these “virtual tokens” bears the likeness of Donald himself. Trump put the initial value of each of these “Fuls”  to be 1.5 million dollars, but savvy investors say it is actually worthless. Trump says that it could be used in the future to buy specific things – like pardons, judicial appointments, political appointments, court-ordered payments for fraud and defamation, and even whole elections.  They are hoping that wealthy Russian oligarchs who are starting to get very nervous about their financial investments would switch to something that they feel would offer them more stability. while i was initially rumored that Sam Bankman-Fried would head the  Organization’s new enterprise due to his expertise in such matters, it turns out that it will stay in the Trump family with Eric Trump heading up the organization.

As the saying goes - "A FUL and his money are soon parted".

The Uncontrolled Crisis in Your Mailbox

 

An Warning to All Americans by the gOPs

Dear Americans, 

I come to you tonight to talk about the greatest crisis facing Americans right now. No, I am not referring to the Southern Border. I am referring to the uncontrolled flood of junk mail that is invading America’s mailboxes daily.

Sure some of them are legitimate letters, but most are far more nefarious. Ads for sex boosters and abortion pills! Unproven pain remedies and vitamins. Contests promising exotic vacations or cruises, only to deliver you into the hands of thieves on huge ships or so-called resorts who will rob you blindly! Some of this so-called mail extorts innocent people directly by demanding monthly payments 

Much of this junk mail is carried by people hired by big government-run cartels called "carriers" who are paid mere pennies for each piece of “mail” that they deliver by the hundreds every day right into your mailbox!

And who is to blame for this? Well, I place the blame squarely on a certain individual who sits in the White House on Pennsylvania Avenue and has done nothing to stop it. 

But my party and our great leader Donald Trump have a solution. We plan to immediately put this into the hands of private companies who will screen each and every piece of mail before it gets into your mailbox to make sure it is not some WOKE solicitations by the ACLU or Democrat Terrorist organization, or even  worse an absentee ballot. They will ensure that only good pure Christian and patriotic messages get through to you. 

Mr. Trump’s message for Mr. Biden is this “Return to Sender, at Address unknown!”

NFL to Now Include “ Booth Celebrities” to the annual NFL Draft

 

Satirical News Service
Las Vegas, NV

After Taylor Swift became a regular feature of cameo shots of her cheering on her “boyfriend” Travis Kelce there was a tremendous rise in viewers of Chief’s game Chiefs  Merchandise. The NFL is starting to take this very seriously and has proposed adding music celebrities to the annual NFL draft. They would sit in the owners’ booth at all football games and cheer on their favorite team hero. The Draft rules are still being hammered out, but celebrities may be chosen for the NFL Draft based on how they do in the charts. First-round draft choices could win annual contracts equal to those of first-round football players.

DeSantis Makes Bold Proposal to Facilitate Hamas Hostage Deal

 

Satirical News Service
Washington, DC

In an effort to shore up his sagging polls and demonstrate his skill at handling tough international issues, DeSantis plans to offer a deal to Hamas where he would exchange 10 Homeless Americans and 10 Undocumented US border crossers for each Israeli hostage. He claims he already has the mechanism in place to do this as evidenced by his recent actions by arranging to send undocumented workers from Texas to Martha’s Vineyard last year. Now he is doubling down by offering to send not only undocumented workers from other states, by also Homeless people from California (just to stick it to Gavin Newsom). DeSantis promised that the people he sends over to Gaza will be very compliant and diligent workers – and if not Hamas can always deport them somewhere else.

Trump Presents His Conclusive Evidence of Election Fraud in Georgia

 

Satirical News Service
Mar-a-Largo, FL

After nearly 41 indictments came raining down naming Trump and others in Election Fraud in Georgia, Trump countered with a special “News” conference on Monday showing conclusive evidence  clearing him of any wrongdoing. To back up his claim he presented what he claimed was irrefutable evidence which showed a very grainy and blurry photo of (what he claims) is Hunter Biden at a laptop computer that is sending signals to Italian Satellites in Earth orbit that are in communicating instructions to Dominion Voting machines in Georgia to change Trump votes to Biden.

“No one can refute this”, he claimed in his 'News' conference, "it’s there for all to see that Hunter Biden is responsible for the voter fraud – not me. The FBI needs to stop this witch hunt for me and focus on finding Hunter Biden’s laptop which will prove my innocence.”

Mattel Tries to Launch “Ronny” Doll But Fails to Gain Any Sales

 

Satirical News Service
Washington, D.C.

In an effort to gain some traction from the recent success of the movie Barbie, The DeSantis campaign commissioned the toy maker Mattel to release a limited edition “Ronny” doll in the likeness of Ron DeSantis. However, after a brief test marketing effort with very poor sales and likeability ratings, Mattel withdrew the doll from the market after comments from mothers and girls showed the product was doomed from its inception.

“It always looks like it's scowling”, reported one parent

“It doesn’t seem to have an occupation or purpose and just looks stupid” comment another

Observers reported that kids playing with the dolls repeatedly got into fights with other Barbie Dolls – especially the Barbie School Board doll and the Barbie Librarian doll. Other girls playing with Ken dolls, especially the Afro-American-Ken dolls disliked him as did the Gay Alan dolls. His only friend dolls were “Trailer Trash Tom”, and “Biggot Bubba”. Even they started to dislike him, preferring instead to be friends with the “Can’t-Touch-Me Trump” doll.

In the end, Mattel just decided to abandon the effort and delegate the remaining unsold dolls to a landfill site in Florida.