Surprise Move by IOC to Punish Syria by Naming Damascus as site of 2020 Olympics

Satirical News Service
Geneva, Switzerland

In a move that took everyone by surprise the International Olympic Planning Committee bypassed Tokyo, Madrid and Istanbul – the leading contenders for the 2020 Olympics- and instead appointed Damascus to host it. The IOC head stated “We hope this sends a message to Assad that when you gas your own people you are going to pay a stiff price.” Now Damascus will have to spend millions of dollars that it could have spent on weapons to host the International games. It will have to use its troops that could be fighting rebels to keep close watch on the thousands of athletes including ones from Israel. It will also have to spend time and money on building stadiums and other venues which could bankrupt the country.The IOC hopes that this will send a strong message to Assad  and other leaders not to use weapons of mass destruction on his own people, or face the consequences.

APPLE REVEALS A TOTALLY NEW RE-DESIGN FOR THE IPHONE 6

Satirical News Service
Cupertino, CA

In a stunning display of brilliance, Apple CEO Tim Cook revealed the new design of the iPhone 6 scheduled to go on sale sometime in the next quarter.  In a packed press conference he showed that Apple has not lost the innovative power that was present when Steve Jobs was at the helm.

The new look is a radical departure from the old flat design. It features more pleasing curved surfaces and an overall larger footprint.  They have replaced the difficult to use touch screen  interface with a pleasing rotary numbered one that give the user a visual, audio and tactile confirmation for the number dialed. In a very radical departure from previous models they have gone away from focusing on "apps" and gone basic to basics of voice calls. To this end, they have completely eliminated the Graphical User Interface (LCD screen) and instead have gone to a completely audio interface. In order for the user to place a call, they have to pick up something called a "receiver" and hold it to their ear, and then proceed to use the rotary interface to "dial" the call.

Excited Apple fans are already lining up at Apple Stores to be the first to obtain this new innovative model, even though a sale date has not been announced.

Tea Party members form armed "Neighborhood Watch" patrols around White House

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

Upon hearing President Obama's speech in which he stated "It could have been me" in  response to the Trevor Martin shooting and Zimmerman trial, Tea Party members were diabolically gleeful. Immediately they formed new armed "Neighborhood Watch" committees to patrol around the White House looking
for "dangerous looking" African American males who might happen to be in the Rose Garden. If they should discover one, they would dutifully pursue him and "stand their ground" if they felt threatened.

House Republicans Propose new LDDOMA Act

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

After the US Supreme Court today ruled that DOMA (Defense of Marriage Act) was unconstitutional, House Republicans proposed a new Last Ditch Defense of Marriage Act. This act defines marriage as only between a couple who believe that marriage should only be between a man and a woman and that the Supreme Court can go F$*%* themselves.

"We feel that this act is necessary because certain activist Supreme Court Justices refuse to act as we want them to." stated House Speaker Boehner.

CNN Releases Exclusive Pictures Of The Suspect Caught On Surveillance Video

Satirical News Service
Boston, MA

CNN today released what it claims is exclusive video footage of the prime suspect in the Boston Marathon Bombing.  Stills from the video clearly show what looks like a dark skinned male at the scene of the crime acting suspiciously. CNN is asking anyone with any knowledge of who this individual might be to contact them immediately so that they can claim the exclusive coverage of it. According to CNN news executives “We are quite certain of the exclusivity of this picture. Although authorities have yet to make an arrest, we are quite certain it will follow, and we’ll be there to report on its exclusivity regardless of whether it actually happens or not”.

Republicans Unanimously Come Out In Favor Of Tighter Controls On Pressure Cookers

Figure 1:Proposed ban on High capacity pressure cookers like the one shown here would save many lives

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

In response to the horrific bombings in Boston this week the Republican Party united around legislation to tightly restrict the sale and ownership of pressure cookers. Senate leader Mitch McConnell stated, “These things have only one purpose – to kill people!” Since we cannot always ensure that they might not end up in the hands of mad men, we must take every possible measure to protect the public from these weapons of mass destruction. We propose background checks on all individuals purchasing pressure cookers, as well as a 30 day waiting period. We also propose on banning large capacity pressure cookers since they’re only purpose is to cause massive carnage.”

In other news, a measure to ban large capacity ammunition clips and background checks, was defeated mostly along party lines.  

NRA C.E.O. Wayne LaPierre, in a press statement after the bombing, stated,  “It’s just like I said with guns, The only way to stop a bad guy with a bomb is to have a good guy with a bomb nearby to stop him!”. The NRA is proposing extending Second Amendment rights to include private ownership of unmanned missile armed drones.

Aerospace Defense Lobbying Firm HireS Kim Jong Un

Satricial News Service
Washington DC

Today an the leading Aerospace Defense Lobbying firm, who asked that their name be withheld, has agreed to hire North Korea's enigmatic leader Kim Jong Un to their lobbying firm. According to their spokesperson, "Mr. Un has done more to promote increased aerospace defense spending and prevent cuts than anyone else we can think of. As long as he threatens, Congress won't our cut funds."

In other news The NRA has come out strongly in support of North Korea's right to bear Nuclear arms.