Figure 1:Proposed ban on High
capacity pressure cookers like the one shown here would save many lives
Satirical News Service
Washington DC
Washington DC
In response
to the horrific bombings in Boston this week the Republican Party united around
legislation to tightly restrict the sale and ownership of pressure cookers. Senate
leader Mitch McConnell stated, “These things have only one purpose – to
kill people!” Since we cannot always ensure that they might not end up in the hands
of mad men, we must take every possible measure to protect the public from these
weapons of mass destruction. We propose background checks on all individuals purchasing
pressure cookers, as well as a 30 day waiting period. We also propose on
banning large capacity pressure cookers since they’re only purpose is to cause massive
carnage.”
In other news, a measure to
ban large capacity ammunition clips and background checks, was defeated mostly along party lines.
NRA C.E.O.
Wayne LaPierre, in a press statement
after the bombing, stated, “It’s
just like I said with guns, The only way to stop a bad guy with a bomb is to
have a good guy with a bomb nearby to stop him!”. The NRA is proposing extending Second Amendment rights to include
private ownership of unmanned missile armed drones.
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