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Wednesday, April 17, 2013

Republicans Unanimously Come Out In Favor Of Tighter Controls On Pressure Cookers


Figure 1:Proposed ban on High capacity pressure cookers like the one shown here would save many lives

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

In response to the horrific bombings in Boston this week the Republican Party united around legislation to tightly restrict the sale and ownership of pressure cookers. Senate leader Mitch McConnell stated, “These things have only one purpose – to kill people!” Since we cannot always ensure that they might not end up in the hands of mad men, we must take every possible measure to protect the public from these weapons of mass destruction. We propose background checks on all individuals purchasing pressure cookers, as well as a 30 day waiting period. We also propose on banning large capacity pressure cookers since they’re only purpose is to cause massive carnage.”

In other news, a measure to ban large capacity ammunition clips and background checks, was defeated mostly along party lines.  

NRA C.E.O. Wayne LaPierre, in a press statement after the bombing, stated,  “It’s just like I said with guns, The only way to stop a bad guy with a bomb is to have a good guy with a bomb nearby to stop him!”. The NRA is proposing extending Second Amendment rights to include private ownership of unmanned missile armed drones.

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