New Congressional Acrimony over Increasing the Speed of Light

Satirical News Service

Washington, DC

In what continues to highlight the intractable differences between Republicans and Democrats, a new debate now rages in Congress over the Speed of Light. This was brought about by the recent findings from CERN that a particle has exceeded the Speed of Light.

Republican House leaders came out today stating they are adamantly opposed to such increases without first cutting the mass of particles. According to Republican spokespersons, "We need less mass, not more speed! By increasing the Speed of Light you slow down other particles and create a greater burden on the whole electrical grid that is responsible for creating thousands of jobs for the American people. This is just another example of Big Government imposing new forms of regulation and increasing waste."

Democrats countered that increasing the Speed of Light will help create jobs and make for cleaner more efficient forms of energy and transportation.

This debate however has completely by-passed Republican Presidential Hopefuls Michele Bachman and Rick Perry who do not believe in the existence of sub-atomic particles at all, and instead believe in the "Four Humors Theory" of matter.

Obama Names Bernie Madoff to Head Social Security

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

September 15, 2011

In an effort to show that he can appeal to Tea Party Sympathizers as well, President Obama today named Bernie Madoff as the new director of Social Security.

“If Social Security is a Ponzi scheme as some Republican presidential hopefuls have said it is, then I want the person with the most experience in managing a Ponzi scheme to head it. I am therefore naming Bernie Madoff the become the new director of Social Security, following his release from prison by way a Presidential Pardon that I am issuing today.”

The President’s other announcement was to name a 90-year-old man without health insurance who has been in a coma for the past 9 months to head up the Medicaid Program. The named person could not comment on his new role.

Michele Bachman –Wants Vaccines-Causing-Diseases Theory taught along side Germ Theory in Schools

Satirical News Service

Tampa, Florida

Tea Party favorite Michele Bachman declared today the she has some significant issues with how science is taught in schools today. According to Bachman, “the Germ Theory – long believed to be the pillar of modern medicine- has gaps in it, and alternative causes of illness such as mental retardation and autism caused by vaccines should also be taught in schools right along side of theories such as the Germ theory.” She also stated that there is absolutely no link between gun ownership and accidental or intentional shooting deaths, and has come out strongly in support of the Florida Law that prohibits doctors from asking patients about gun ownership. According to Bachman, “Any connection between gun ownership and shooting deaths is completely baseless. We have to guard against this type of liberal misinformation that might prevent citizens from purchasing guns and potentially saving lives!”

Governor Rick Perry Sites Texas Jobs Miracle – 10,000 Sign spinners added last year

Satirical News Service

Miami, Florida

In preparation for tonight’s Tea Party Debate, front runner Governor Rick Perry today sited his home state of Texas as an example of how new jobs were added without the help of state or federal funds.

“In Texas there have been more than 10,000 new sign spinner jobs created last year, all without the help of state or federal government funds or new debt spending like President Obama is proposing. These were all done through tax cuts to home developers and other businesses. They responded by adding lots and lots of sign spinning jobs. You can hardly pass an intersection without finding one. This is an example of how I propose we can solve the high unemployment in this nation."

Dick Cheney Confesses to Involvement in 10th Anniversary 9/11 Terrorist Plot

Satirical News Service

Washington DC

Sept 9, 2011

In a startling announcement today the Homeland Security Administration revealed that Dick Chaney, former VP, had confessed to plotting acts of terror on the 10th anniversary of 9/11.

According to Janet Napolitano, Homeland Security director, Dick Cheney confessed to plotting to blow up several public buildings in New York City and on military installations in and around Washington DC. Including Walker Reed Hospital, Ronald Regan Airport, and the Pentagon. He named several accomplices who have yet to be apprehended.

"We really have Cheney himself to thank for this, said Napolitano, if it weren't for his own enhanced interrogation methods, we never would have unconverted this plot." "I'm ready to admit now that I was completely wrong about this issue and he was right"

Prior to confessing Dick Cheney underwent nearly 6 hours of waterboarding and other enhanced interrogation techniques before he came clean and confessed to the plot. Authorities said he would be immediately shipped off to the terrorist prison at Guantanamo Naval Base pending further action.

Perry Debates GOD in Texas on Global Warming

Satirical News Service

Dallas, Texas

In the midst of raging wildfires throughout central Texas, Governor Rick Perry flew to Texas to personally debate GOD on Global Warming. Unfortunately the debate had to end prematurely when fires totally engulfed the podium he was standing on after Perry declared Global Warming was not Man's doing but an act of

GOD.

In other news…

Although Muammar Gaddafi's whereabouts are still unknown, an unusually dressed candidate appearing on the stage of Republican Hopefuls for the latest round of debates closely resembled him. Sources who heard the debate reported that this unknown candidate went on for about 3 hours in some strange Arabic dialect threatening to "cut the out the tongues of the Infidels and bring down hellfire on the US government". A straw poll conducted after the debate put him as the winner.

Bachman Proposes to End 13th Amendment in Effort to Create Jobs Without Government Spending

Satirical News Service

Washington, DC

In an effort to demonstrate her extensive knowledge of U.S. history and understanding the economy, Michele Bachman today proposed abolishing the 13th Amendment in an effort to create jobs in America without increasing government spending or taxes.

According to Bachman, "Before the Civil American War, there was full employment in the South, but after Liberal Presidents came into office they imposed big government regulations on the South like the 13th amendment which caused massive unemployment." "As president I'd abolish big government regulations like this." "Many of our founding fathers owned slaves because they saw how good it was for employment. Unfortunately because of affirmative action, only Negroes got to be slaves." "I'd propose making slavery available to all races and nationalities, even to illegal immigrants provided they abide by the laws of our country and become Evangelical Christians." "By ending this jobs-killing-amendment, employers could keep much more of their hard earned money by not having to pay for burdensome government expenses such as workmen's comp, health insurance, and OSHA regulations." "Everyone would be granted a job under this proposal, so we could completely abolish liberal programs like welfare and unemployment insurance and continue to have large tax cuts for the rich."

In other news, following the announcement of the Pima County Republican Party fund raising raffle for a Glock 23, handgun similar to the one that was used to shoot Congresswoman Gabby Gifford, the Dallas Republican Committee is planning to raffle off an exact replica of the rifle used to assassinate President John F. Kennedy.