Airline to Add On Additional Charge For Mentally Stable Flight Crews

Satirical News Service

New York, NY

In yet another way for airlines to gouge passengers for more money when purchasing their airline tickets, Jet Blue, one of the leading discount airlines, will now offer passengers the option of purchasing flights with mentally stable or mentally unstable flight crews. According to one spokesperson for the industry, “If you want a mentally stable flight crew you are going to have to pay more for it. Some people don’t care if the pilot or flight attendant has a meltdown in flight, they only want the cheapest fare. There are also people who actually look for this form of ‘Reality Show in Flight Entertainment’”. Other airlines are expected to follow this model as well in the near future.

Shoot First Ask Later Bill before Arizona Legislature

Satirical News Service
Phoenix, AZ

In the wake of the Trayvon Martin shooting, Arizona governor Jan Brewer proposed a new “Shoot First, Ask Questions Later” bill aimed at dispelling any possible ambiguities or loop holes that were present in Florida’s “Stand Your Ground bill”. According to spoke persons from Brewer’s office, “With the Stand Your Ground bill, it required someone to actually try to attack you before you could shoot him. This left a loop hole where a shooter might hesitate for a second before blowing away his assailant. With our bill, if someone even suspects that someone might have hostile intentions either by saying an inflammatory or derogatory word, or giving you a dirty look, you have the right to shoot him first, and ask questions as to his intent later. This bill is better designed to protect the fine gun toting citizens of Arizona, and leave no doubts in the criminals mind what will happen to them if they are caught looking suspicious.“ Florida is also looking at amending their law the same way.

IRAN LEAKS THEY ARE MAKING A DOOMSDAY DEVICE

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad seen here with new chief Nuclear Program Director

Satirical News Service
Tehran

In a startling development from Iran, sources close to Mahmoud Ahmadinejad leaked that the real purpose of their nuclear facility was to create a “Doomsday Device”. It is well known that Iranian leader Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is a devoted fan of the film Dr. Stangelove, and is thought to have taken his inspiration for this from the movie. The source in the leak is quoted as having said, “The doomsday device will shroud the earth in a cloud of deadly radiation for 120 years. It is triggered to go off it any attempt is made to attack it or disarm it”.

The white house had no immediate comment on this, but GOP candidates expressed that they wished we had a doomsday device too, and if elected will vigorously support the building of one so, as they put it, “We must not have have a doomsday device gap in our defense strategy. “

Romney – “No Thanks to Medicare”

Satirical News Service
Mobile, Alabama

Again trying to demonstrate to the Republican followers that he is just like “common folk”, he bravely asserted that he does not plan to enroll in Medicare when he turns 65 this year. In his statement to this pronouncement he said, “Many of my close friends own Hospitals – in fact they are CEO’s of entire Healthcare networks, they’ll gladly take care of all my healthcare needs without my having to rely on Obamacare, I don’t why other people can’t do the same.”

In other news Romney declared a decisive victory in the Northern Mariana's Primary. Most people are still trying to figure out just where this is!

Utah Legislature to Ban Teaching of Sex Education in Public Schools except for “The Stork Brings Babies”.

Satirical News Service
Salt lake City, Utah

As a follow-on to the controversy about birth control, the Utah Legislature has passed a bill by a 19-10 vote mandating the banning of all sex education in the schools except to teach high school students that "babies come from the stork". This comes along other teaching mandates that include teaching students that bad humors cause disease, and the heavens revolve around the earth. The legislature also proposed a bill that would ban all storks from appearing within 1000 yards of any public schools to prevent students from questioning them too closely as to how they make babies. Republican governor Gov. Gary Herbert has not yet indicated if he’ll sign the bill.

GOP Candidates Support CARAP!

Satirical News Service
Washington, DC

Following Republican candidates successfully playing the “religious card” on Obamacare for its provision requiring religiously affiliated employers to cover birth control, the candidates have embraced a new organization called CARAP!

The Congregation Against Regulating Anal Processes or CARAP, is placing itself in the forefront in the Fight for the Undigested. According to the Reverend Iam Fulluvit, founder of the group, “Digestion of Food is one of the sacraments of the Bible…Christ himself said Take and Eat, this is my Body…. We believe firmly that anything that interferes with the natural processes of digestion is against GOD and should be banned.” “Our belief is “Only Number ONE can decide when you go number Two.” “We are appalled that Big Government would force employers to cover such barbaric things such as colonoscopies that force patients to “clean out their digestive system before the procedure”. “This abortion of undigested food goes completely against our beliefs. “

In addition to colonoscopies, Rev Fulluvit wants to end any requirement by healthcare providers and insurance plans to cover such things as, laxatives, enemas, stool softeners, anti-diarrhea medicine and anything else that artificially promotes or interferes with defecation. The group also wants to ban so called “Health Spas” that offer coffee enemas to “clean out one’s colon”, and other such horrors.

Rick Santorum and Newt Gingrich have both embraced this organization for standing up to big government’s war on our natural bodily processes. According to Mitt Romney, “When I eat my simple down-home meal of Beluga Caviar, champagne and Froi Gras I don’t want some government bureaucrat forcing me expel it before it’s fully digested at Tax Payer’s expense!”

GOP Candidates United On Obama Causing Tornadoes In The Midwest

Satirical News Service
Lexington, KY

In a rare display of unity among the four remaining GOP presidential candidates, they all declared that Obama was to blame for the recent spate of tornadoes that have plagued the Midwest this week. Each candidate described their own reasons why Obama was causing this.

According to Rick Santorum, "It is Obama’s plan to discredit his discrediting of Global Warming instead of it being GOD’s will perpetrated against women in the Midwest who are using birth control."

According to Gingrich’s sources, the tornadoes are "Obama’s way of disrupting the Republican primaries in the Midwest so that Mitt Romney can carry those states that he would have won."

Mitt Romney issued this statement. “No doubt this is Obama’s way of forcing people onto government run FEMA dole outs at Tax Payer’s’ expense. One of the first things I’m going to do as President is to eliminate FEMA so that people won’t have to come crawling for aide from the government.”

In a more conciliatory note Romney stated that he sympathized with people who have lost their homes and businesses to the recent tornadoes. He stated, “ One of my illegal immigrant grounds-keeper’s home was once destroyed by a tornado on one of my multi-million dollar estates, so I personally know the pain you must be going through now.”

Ron Paul’s sources said that Obama is causing these tornadoes just so he can make people dependent on government aide.