Satirical News Service
Washington, DC
Following Republican candidates successfully playing the “religious card” on Obamacare for its provision requiring religiously affiliated employers to cover birth control, the candidates have embraced a new organization called CARAP!
The Congregation Against Regulating Anal Processes or CARAP, is placing itself in the forefront in the Fight for the Undigested. According to the Reverend Iam Fulluvit, founder of the group, “Digestion of Food is one of the sacraments of the Bible…Christ himself said Take and Eat, this is my Body…. We believe firmly that anything that interferes with the natural processes of digestion is against GOD and should be banned.” “Our belief is “Only Number ONE can decide when you go number Two.” “We are appalled that Big Government would force employers to cover such barbaric things such as colonoscopies that force patients to “clean out their digestive system before the procedure”. “This abortion of undigested food goes completely against our beliefs. “
In addition to colonoscopies, Rev Fulluvit wants to end any requirement by healthcare providers and insurance plans to cover such things as, laxatives, enemas, stool softeners, anti-diarrhea medicine and anything else that artificially promotes or interferes with defecation. The group also wants to ban so called “Health Spas” that offer coffee enemas to “clean out one’s colon”, and other such horrors.
Rick Santorum and Newt Gingrich have both embraced this organization for standing up to big government’s war on our natural bodily processes. According to Mitt Romney, “When I eat my simple down-home meal of Beluga Caviar, champagne and Froi Gras I don’t want some government bureaucrat forcing me expel it before it’s fully digested at Tax Payer’s expense!”
No comments:
Post a Comment