Texas Man Claims Right to refuse Quarantine for Ebola on Second Amendment Grounds

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

A Texas man proclaiming himself to be the “Angel of Death” has tested positive for the Ebola virus. He is refusing to be quarantined on the basis that it violates his Second Amendment Right to bear arms. He claims that a biological weapon is just like any other weapon and he has the Constitutional Right to carry arms (or in his case be one). "I can’t infect anyone", he claims, "unless I intentionally do so. Until that time I am just like any other citizen carrying a concealed weapon, which is allowed under the constitution and the State of Texas".

In a strange twist of allegiances, the NRA has sided with the man. In a statement given to the press, they said, “If we don’t uphold this mans’ right to carry biological weapons, the next thing you know the Government is going to take away your handguns. “

Recent Antares Rocket Explosion Caused by Gluten

Satirical News Service
Cape Canaveral, FL

The spectacular explosion of the rocket on its launch pad last earlier this week has been traced to food it was carrying to the Space Station. According to rocket scientists, the explosion was due to an excess of gluten in the food it was carrying. Exactly how this caused the rocket to explode, the experts could not exactly say. But given that gluten seems to be the cause of everything else these days, they felt that this is the most likely explanation.

Republicans In House Vow to Investigate Link Between Bengazi And The Ebola Epidemic

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

The Republican-controlled U.S. House voted Thursday along party lines to establish a select committee to immediately begin investigating to see if there is a link between the mishandling of Bengazi and the recent Ebola epidemic. Rep. Trey Gowdy  today responded saying “While there is not a shred of evidence to suggest any such link, we promise to leave no stone unturned. This whole Ebola scare is taking away from our real focus of investigating Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama’s role in Bengazi. Now at least we can kill two birds (so to speak) with one stone. This after all, is what the American people expect us to do.” 

Frontier Airlines Annouces New Tail Fin Critter

Satirical News Service
Denver, CO

Frontier Airlines today showed off the latest of it's cute tail fin critters today called E-Bella. It is replacing the cute little dolphin that is now in a quarantine hangar facility in Denver.

Governor Perry Demands US put up a Fence Between Texas and Africa

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

After Texas became the first state to report a patient infected with Ebola, Governor Rick Perry immediately went on national TV to demand that the US erect a fence between Texas and Africa to keep out the virus. In an exclusive interview with SNS he stated that the problem with Ebola is just like to one Texas faces with illegal immigrants from Mexico.

“The Ebola virus see’s opportunities here that are aren't available in its own native countries in Africa, so naturally it wants to come over here. When Texas finally acted and put up a fence at the border between Mexico and USA, we cut down illegal immigration to a fraction of what it was before. I don’t see why the same approach won’t work here with Ebola.”

CDC Board’s Plane After Man Admits To Having Carried Gluten Aboard

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

Terrified passengers were confronted with officials from the CDC in Hazmat suits boarding their airliner and escorting off a man who had admitted that he had recently eaten gluten, and then had taken it aboard the airplane. According to the man in question, he had purchased a sandwich from Subway that afternoon and had eaten half of it. He then took the remainder aboard to supplement the normally safe gluten free snacks. He said he was unaware of how dangerous it was. Officials are unsure if they are going to press charges, but hope this serves as a wake up call to better screen passengers for gluten aboard airplanes.

Airlines to Begin Offering “Ebola Free” Seating

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

In a never ending effort to suck every last dollar from airline passengers, several airlines have begun to offer an “Ebola Free” seating class. At prices starting at $1000 above the cost of first class seats, the airlines will furnish you with a complete hazmat suit and a seat with extra leg and back room to accommodate it. While it has yet to be proved that Ebola poses a real threat, many airlines say they are only responding to passengers’ needs.  They claim that in addition to preventing contact with Ebola, it also prevents contact with other contagious diseases prevalent on airplanes such as colds and flu. They are also giving double frequent flier miles with this class of seating.