Trump’s Lawyers Search for Ways to Allow Trump to Testify Before Mueller

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

 As Mueller’s investigation draws ever closer to implicating Donald Trump in obstruction of justice and collusion with the Russians, his lawyers are struggling with ways that they could allow Trump to testify without perjuring himself. One way they have come up with would be for Trump to hold a hand puppet and respond to Mueller’s questions through the puppet. That way only the puppet could be charged with perjury and not Trump himself.

Trump Proposes Guns-for-Kids Exchange Program

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

In the wake of yet another school shooting, the Trump administration went on record to condemn it and proposed a bold new solution to controlling these senseless gun deaths.

“We are appalled by these senseless gun deaths of our kids”, quoting Trump. “It is time for decisive action! I am proposing a Guns-For-Kids Exchange Program which will go a long way toward eliminating the source of the problem – Far too many kids, and fewer guns in the hands of good citizens! Once we have reduced these numbers, there will be a whole lot fewer kids to shoot and many more guns to protect us. This will make America safe again! I am proposing the following:"

• For a 3-5-year-old, we will offer a Glock 45
• For a 6-9-year-old an AR-15 semi-automatic
• For a child 9-16, they would be eligible to receive an M4 semi-automatic with 100 round extended ammo clip with armor-piercing bullets.

The NRA has come out solidly in favor of this program and the Republican-led Congress is expected to follow suit, although many would prefer also providing a monthly ammunition allowance for each family to replace food stamps.

Ask Jesus - Home Device

Satirical News Service
Washington, DC

With Google, Siri, and Alexa all now competing to be your one source for answers, a small company in Kentucky is vying to capture the Evangelical Christian market for this type of device. It’s CEO explained this to me in a recent interview.

We have always said that Jesus has all your answers, but until now it was difficult to just ask Him. Now with our remarkable new device, you have a whole new way of asking and getting answers from Jesus – and those answers will be in keeping with his commandments and teachings in the New and Old Testament. Here are some examples.

Jesus, How do I get to the closest shopping Mall?

Ask Jesus: “Only through me shall you receive the Kingdom of Heaven – but if you require further guidance to the closest shopping mall I can show you the way”

Jesus, What’s a good place to eat?

Ask Jesus: "Take and Eat, for this is My Body; Take and drink for this is My Blood – But I can also recommend some other types of food places to eat."

Jesus, where is there a bakery nearby?

Ask Jesus: “Man does not live by Bread alone – but if you insist, I can give you directions to several bakeries close by."

Jesus, can you play some music for me?

Ask Jesus: "I can only play Christian Rock or Gospel or if you like I can connect you to a radio and Televangelical preaching station to guide you in your prayers."

We feel that this is a niche market that hasn’t yet been filled, and offers not only spiritual guidance but practical guidance as well.

North Korean Leader Offers to Put On Military Parade in USA for Donald Trump

Satirical News Service
Pyongyang, North Korea

In an incredibly magnanimous gesture of friendship, Kim Jong Un has offered to stage a military parade for Donald Trump using his own army. In a statement from the North Korean Leader, he stated: “I know how important a parade like this is to Mr. Trump and while his own government refuses to let him have it, I will offer to have my entire army parade for him down Pennsylvania Avenue”.

Elon Reeve Musk Offer's Donald Trump the First Manned Tesla Into Space

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

Elon Reeve Musk CEO of Tesla motors made an exclusive offer to President Donald Trump today.
"I am offering him a chance to ride the first Manned Tesla into outer space, provided he does so within the next 10 days. Think of it Donald, you'll be able to go further than Obama and anyone else has, maybe even to Mars and beyond. But you have to do it right now."

As yet there has been no response from the White House, but sources at Tesla are hopeful he'll take the bait.

Trump Tweets Punxsutawney Phil Prediction vindicates His claim “There Was No Collusion”

Satirical News Service
Gobbler’s Knob, PA

In a new tweet from Donald Trump, he tweeted “Punxsutawney Phil actually said that there was absolutely no collusion with Russia. But liberal Democrats and the Fake News Media won’t release his actual prediction memo. Instead, they persist that all he said was that there were going to be six more weeks of winter. It just goes to show the length that Democrats will go to defame me.”

Luxembourg Space Launch May be Secret Attempt to Become Nuclear Power

Tully Bascombe Shown here may be directing secret Nuclear Weapons Program

Satirical News Service
Luxembourg

This week Luxembourg launched its first what it claimed to be " a communications satellite designed in part to expand NATO’s surveillance". However, sources within NATO fear that Luxembourg may be using this as a cover to begin its own nuclear ballistic missile program. 

It is long been known that Luxembourg has had seriously financially problems since the start of the EU, and may now be trying to blackmail the other EU nations into providing it with financial aid in exchange for ceasing its nuclear program, just as Iran and North Korea have done. According to the head of Luxembourg’s so-called space program, Tully Bascombe, “We will neither confirm nor deny that Luxembourg wishes to become a nuclear superpower”.