Ask Jesus - Home Device

Satirical News Service
Washington, DC

With Google, Siri, and Alexa all now competing to be your one source for answers, a small company in Kentucky is vying to capture the Evangelical Christian market for this type of device. It’s CEO explained this to me in a recent interview.

We have always said that Jesus has all your answers, but until now it was difficult to just ask Him. Now with our remarkable new device, you have a whole new way of asking and getting answers from Jesus – and those answers will be in keeping with his commandments and teachings in the New and Old Testament. Here are some examples.

Jesus, How do I get to the closest shopping Mall?

Ask Jesus: “Only through me shall you receive the Kingdom of Heaven – but if you require further guidance to the closest shopping mall I can show you the way”

Jesus, What’s a good place to eat?

Ask Jesus: "Take and Eat, for this is My Body; Take and drink for this is My Blood – But I can also recommend some other types of food places to eat."

Jesus, where is there a bakery nearby?

Ask Jesus: “Man does not live by Bread alone – but if you insist, I can give you directions to several bakeries close by."

Jesus, can you play some music for me?

Ask Jesus: "I can only play Christian Rock or Gospel or if you like I can connect you to a radio and Televangelical preaching station to guide you in your prayers."

We feel that this is a niche market that hasn’t yet been filled, and offers not only spiritual guidance but practical guidance as well.