Trump Wants Uniform to Go with Military Parade

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

 Donald Trump today announced he wants to wear for his upcoming military parade. Since Commanders-in-chief do not normally wear uniforms he demanded that a special uniform be custom made for him. He has selected these three.

North Korea to Issue Nuclear Weapons to Teachers

Satirical News Service
Pyongyang, North Korea

On the recommendation of North Korea’s NMA (Nuclear Missile Association), North Korea's Leader, Kim Jong Un is planning to issue ballistic nuclear-armed missiles to all of its teachers to prevent an attack by gunmen, like the ones that are occurring now in the USA.  According to their logic, since no North Korean civilian can own their own guns, any such attack could only have been initiated from America. By arming our teachers in advance, they could theoretically stop an attack from occurring.

“One thing we learned from your NRA”, stated one NK general, "the only way to stop a madman with a nuclear missile, is lots more madmen with nuclear missiles.”

Putin to Send Red Sparrow Brigade to March in Trump's Parade

Satirical News Service
Moscow

As a gesture of goodwill and to demonstrate a new commitment toward working with the US, Vladamir Putin has offered to send his personal brigade of "Red Sparrows" to march in Trumps pending military parade. He has offered to extend their stay as well to act as personal ambassadors to Trump and members of his cabinet and military establishment.

Shocked Russian Nation Awakes to Discover Putin Lost Election to Trump

Satirical News Service
Moscow

A shocked Russian public awoke to discover that their leading Candidate Vladimir Putin had been defeated – by Donald Trump! With all votes counted Trump has won by 49.8 to 48.2. 

“All the polls showed Putin being elected by a landslide, What Happened?” stated one stunned Muscovite.

Many  Russians are blaming the media on this and many are calling it outright collusion with the American CIA.

Trump is expected to give his acceptance speech to Russia - right after he fires Mueller.

Trump Tweets He's Firing Pope Francis

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

 Donald Trump today tweeted that he was firing Pope Francis and replacing him with Mike Pence. Apparently, there was no one left on his staff who understood that he could not fire a religious head of a church. Trump still maintained that Pence would make a better Pope, but he’d consider keeping Francis on if he campaigns for him in 2020.

Trump to Sell a Line of “Tariff with Love Cards”

Satirical News Service

Washington DC

After Donald Trump yesterday tweeted about Imposing Tariffs in “A Loving Way”, Trump Enterprises has decided to issue a new line of Tariff with Love Greeting Cards. These are tastefully designed cards to express how you really feel about imposing Tariffs on your trading partner.

Roses are Red
Violets are Blue
Your products are nice
But here is a 25% tariff on them for you

Your Steel reflects
The Love in your Soul
But we’re still going to charge you
25% more for it

You’ve been a great Trading Partner all these Years
And have given us your best
But now we are going to charge to 25% more
Just because you’re you.

We’re sorry to say
That your steel and Aluminum
Are Going to have to Shine little more brilliantly
Since we’re putting a 25% Tariff on them
To show our Love for you.

When you care enough to say and do the very worst!

Trump Now Proposes Arming All Students

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

 After a teacher in Dalton, Georgia barricaded himself recently into a classroom and fired off a few shots for reasons that no one seems to comprehend, Trump has changed his view stating that maybe arming teachers is not the best idea. Instead, he proposes arming the students. To a stunned pressroom, he stated: “That way there will be a lot more firepower and the would-be shooter wouldn’t dare to enter any classroom with a room full of armed students.”

A recent test of this was conducted at an undisclosed location. Here is a film of those students preparing to go to school.