Trump Uses His Influence with God to Keep Hurricane Out of Florida

Satirical News Service
Washington DC  

Sources close to the White House today have confirmed that Hurricane Florida will not be allowed entry into the state of Florida specifically at Trump’s request to GOD. It is highly unusual for world leaders to make such requests to the Almighty, but Donald Trump feels equal to GOD, since according to him, he is "King of the Jews", despite not being one. Other religious leaders and world leaders have expressed dismay and outrage at such a request.  Trump is reported to have said, “Let the Hurricane come to states that went to Democrats since they are certainly deserving of HIS wrath!”

Trump Explains Why He Wanted To Buy Greenland – Because Of All The 'Bergs' That Lived There

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

In an exclusive interview obtained by SNS with Donald Trump, he explained the reasons he was so adamant about purchasing Greenland.

“When evangelical Christians began calling me ‘the new King-of-the-Jews’, I thought, well, I need a Kingdom. Since Israel already had their King – Netanyahu, I need to find a new one. Then one of my aides told me that there we a lot of Icebergs in Greenland. Naturally, I assumed that they were all Jewish there – you know - Iceberg, Rosenberg, Hertzberg….what’s the difference. I wanted to be the King of the Northern Jews. Now that their terrible leader in Denmark has nixed that deal, I’ve set my sights on buying The Vatican from Italy. That way I could become King of the Catholics too. Do you happen to know if the The Vatican has an extradition treaty with the US?”

Trump Aides Desperately Searching for New Country Ending in “Land” For Trump to Purchase

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

Sources within the White House have told SNS that an enraged Trump has everyone scrambling to find a new country that ends in “land” for Trump to purchase after Denmark rebuffed his offer to purchase Greenland.  “We thought there’d be a lot more”, quoted one aide, “England is certainly not going to sell, The Swiss categorically said No, and while Poland remains an option, the last time someone decided to take it, it did not end so well. That leaves Iceland, Finland, Ireland, Swaziland and Thailand, but the President has indicated he’s not interested in those.”

Russian Pilot Safely Lands Plane in Cornfield – Everyone Survived, But Now Missing In Corn Field

Satirical News Service
Moscow, Russian Republic

A Ural Airlines with 233 people on board landed safely in a cornfield despite having lost power to both engines due to bird strikes. Although all 233 passengers survived, they now appear to be hopelessly lost in the cornfield they landed in. The pilot had radioed in that the plane had landed safely and was evacuating all 233 passengers and crew.  When rescuers arrived, they found an empty plane, but no sign of the passengers or crew. Search efforts have been underway for some time now, but there appears to be no sign of any of the people in the cornfield or surrounding area. The only sign of life were the crows that were feasting on the corn. The farmer who took care of the government-owned cornfield said, “strange things happen in there.” He declined to elaborate.  Search efforts will continue to scour the field for any signs of the missing passengers.

Trump Signs Executive Order to Paint Stature of Liberty White

This is the new color of Liberty

Satirical News Service
Washington, DC

After Ken Cuccinelli, the acting director of U.S. Citizenship and Immigration Services, commented that the  Statue of Liberty welcoming immigrants into the country is about “people coming from Europe” and that America is looking to receive migrants “who can stand on their own two feet.” He then proposed adding this phrase to the inscription on its base,
After reports from FOX News that expressed overwhelming support from his "base", President Trump today doubled down and signed an executive order mandating that the Statue of Liberty immediately be repainted a bright white. In his statement Trump said "We want this statue to reflect the type of immigrants we want to have in this country. All others can go back to their shit-hole-crime-infested places that they came from."

Trump Suppositories

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

The Re-Elect Trump campaign has come up with selling Trump-branded plastic straws as a fundraising tool in response to what they call “liberal paper straws”, a very sensible new measure to limit the amount of plastic in our environment.  “Those politically-correct-libtards can just suck it up”, said one supporter.

In response, some enterprising Democrats have come out with “Trump Branded Suppositories”. They tout “This is the perfect gift for all your die-hard Trump supporter relatives, ex-friends, and acquaintances. This way they can just shove one up-their-ass, and see what shit flies out.” The suppositories come with a special non-toxic dye that turns orange when it dissolves coloring your shit a bright orange. They will also cause very odorous flatulence, so you will always know when you are around a Trump supporter.

Republican's Post Their Version of a "Red Flag" Test

Satirical News Service
Washington, DC

With increasing pressure to show they are doing "something" to prevent gun violence. Republicans have pushed forward a Red Flag test that would flag anyone who might be "mentally unstable before allowing them to purchase a firearm. Here is the test.

Hitler Blamed Kristallnacht Massacre On Over Zealous Football Fanatics and Too Much Meat.

Hitler  blames Kristallnacht violence on football and too much meat

Satirical News Service
Munich, Germany

Historians have recently unearthed a rare interview given by Adolf Hitler in November 1938, the day after the infamous Kristallnacht massacre in which hundreds of Jews were injured or killed and countless stores were ransacked and burned. Asked if he felt that he had given the group known as “Brownshirts” tacit encouragement to do these acts, he categorically denied it and said: “While these acts are of course deplorable, it is only because of violent radio shows,  Jewish propaganda, over-zealous football rivalry that gets these fine young virile boy’s hormone’s up, and too much meat in their diet (Hitler was known to be a vegan). We should not go around pointing fingers at people in the Nazi party and all the Brownshirts just because a few boys got a little out of control. We need to have better control over what they hear on the radio and read in newspapers."

Mitch McConnell Comes Out Strongly in Favor of Banning the Sale of Garlic

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

 After three horrific shootings in less than three weeks. Senate leader Mitch McConnell today put his foot down and said: “Enough is Enough”.  Noting that one of the shootings was at the Gilroy Garlic Festival, he noted that there was a clear link between the shooters and their hatred of garlic. “Hispanics are known to love food that is heavily seasoned with this stuff. It is clear that there is something in it that attracts patriotic 2^nd Amendment- rights -advocating Americans to performing these unfortunate acts. My party is putting forward the strongest legislation to completely ban the sale and cultivation of this substance in order to prevent such acts from happening again. I certainly praise the great people in Gilroy, Dayton, and El Paso – and also want to praise the police for their quick action. Our thoughts are prayers as always are with THEM. “