Trump Signs Executive Order Blocking any Results of the 2020 Election From Being Revealed to Media.

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

Citing reasons of National Security, Donald Trump today signed into law an Executive Order that will bar Media and News outlets from posting any results or predictions from the forthcoming Presidential election in 2020.

“This could be a grave threat of the utmost kind to our National security if they are released by the fake media. It would give our enemies great power over us. Therefore I am prohibiting any media outlet or Newspaper from revealing this, and only I will tell the American people who won, which will be Yuge for me.”

US Supreme Court Decided It Will No Longer Decide Any Cases – “Let the People Decide”

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

Taking its cue from Republican Impeachment Managers’ arguments, the US Supreme court has decided to take the same path and will no longer hear or decide any cases put before it. “We’re going to let the people decide”, said chief justice Roberts. “Why should we have to sit through all those arguments and listen to boring evidence when we can just sit back and let the people decide. After all of our laws that are passed are perfect to begin with – there is really no need to say or hear anything more - and far be it for us to overturn the will of the people.  We’ve unanimously decided to take at least a 4-year hiatus and just let the people decide how they want things. We’ll be safely holed up somewhere safe when the Sh*t hits the fan."

Trump Signs Executive Order Allowing Him to Do Anything He Wants

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

 Donald Trump today signed into law an executive order that basically allows him to do whatever he wants without consequences. Not only does this law make him immune from any consequences, but makes anything he does immune from congressional oversight or review by the courts.  In a statement Senate Leader Mitch McConnell stated, “This is exactly what the American people voted for him to do, and it is not up to us to interfere with the mandate of the people."

 McConnell did not mention exactly which people he was referring to, but it was evident he meant Trumps “Base”.

Trump proposes Don Junior replace Harry as Prince

Satirical News Service
London, England

In a newly released letter sent to HRH Queen Elizabeth II, Trump proposed letting Don Junior take Prince Harry's place as Royal monarch.

Dear Queen Elizabth,

                Now that your son Harry and that “tramp” Meghan have formally renounced their titles, I’d like to propose naming my son Donny Jr. to take his place – or if you prefer a Princess I could give you Ivanka. Of course, they would have full right of succession should anything “bad” happen to Prince William. In exchange I offer America’s support and help to build a wall once Brexit is completed to keep out the EU from Britain – A Yuge big beautiful wall like the one we’re build between the US and Mexico.

Best of Luck

Donald Trump

White House Send Document To Senate That Completely Exonerates Him

Trump claims that this document completely clears him of any charges

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

 In the ever growing saga of the Trump Impeachment trial, Trump had finally decided to send over a document that once and for all will totally exonerate him form this “Witch Hunt” and absolve him from any culpability in the affair.  The Senate plans to introduce this document into the proceedings as early as this Wednesday when the trial is expected to start. However, Democrats have said “not so fast” and produced a document of their own that they state “trumps” Trump’s get-out-of-jail card. 

It is unclear which card out-weighs the other, so the issue may yet go before the Supreme Court who could decide on the important issue over which card has preference over the other

Mitch McConnell Declares Tennessee Titan Winners of Super Bowl

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

With the backing of the majority of Republicans in the Senate Mitch McConnell today declared the Tennessee Titan the Winners of the 2020 Super Bowl, despite the fact that it hasn’t been played.

In a statement given to SNS, McConnell stated 

“It was clear from the very beginning that the Titans are the superior team and that that the efforts by Tom Brady and Patrick Mahomes and a handful of Whistle Blowers who were not playing the game are trying to overturn the will to 68,000 fans who rooted for them saw them win the divisional championship. They played a perfect game on Sunday, and now they say they need additional games to confirm that the Titans are the winners. This is nothing but a witch hunt to raise the NFL’s sagging TV ratings. We don’t need to have players come onto the field to try to alter the result, nor the testimony of any the so-called whistleblower officials who only saw from a great distance the games they claim to have officiated.  I am therefore canceling any further games and demanding an immediate vote by the Senate to declare the Tennessee Titans the Super Bowl champions.”

President Trump Signs Executive Order Decriminalizing Perjury and Lying to Congress

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

With the threat of a full-blown Senate Trial with potential witnesses being called, Donald Trump today took preemptive actions by signing an Executive Presidential Order decriminalizing Perjury and Lying to Congress or the FBI.

In his address Trump said,

“Too many people have been caught up in these schemes and put in jail for simply lying to investigators or Congress. Everyone knows that you have to tell lies in order to get people to believe you – that’s the only way to get government to work for the people. Look how many people have lost faith in their leaders when they stopped believing that Iraq had weapons of mass destruction. We need to preserve those lies for our own protection. Law enforcement is constantly hand-tied when they shoot down criminals who happen to not have a weapon. By enabling those brave enforcers to lie with impunity protects society by eliminating potential criminals from doing what we said they were going to do in the first place. Look what happened in Iran when they “admitted they shot down the Iranian airliner” – riots in the street. You can bet that when I shoot something down I won’t be admitting it or else I’ll say it was trying to bomb us. So by signing this Executive order, people can no longer be charged with lying to law enforcement or Congress and those that have already been prosecuted will have a review of their sentences. The only exceptions to this order will be for women who lie about sexual assault or un-wanted behavior. For this crime, I plan to make the penalties much harsher so that patriots like Brett Kavanaugh never have to face such a public and un-warranted humiliation again. This is what will Make America Great Again."

Megan and Harry’s Transition Period Details Announced by Queen

Satirical News Service
London, UK

New details have emerged about the agreement with the Royal Family about a transition period for Megan and Harry to remove themselves from their public duties. It was formally agreed upon that Megan would be placed in a deep trance and in a very secure location surrounded by Briars for a period of 20 years. After which, she will be brought back to a normal state of consciousness by a kiss from Prince Harry (provided he can still be found), and can escape from being attacked by Rupert Murdoch and his gang of Paparazzi. Once this has been established, she will again resume her Royal Duties, and they can live happily ever after.

Jack (From Jack In The Beanstalk) Sells Borden’s Elsie To Become Billionaire In Hybrid Soybeans

Satirical News Service
Wall Street, NY

In a move that caught a skeptical Wall Street by surprise, Jack – sometimes called "Simpleton Jack” has become a billionaire in a deal to sell Elsie the Cow – mascot of Borden, to an unsuspecting buyer for a handful of beans. It turned out that those “magic beans” were a genetic hybrid of soybeans that would increase yields by 10 fold and require far less water and produce huge plants. The sale of these beans also came with all patent rights. Detractors on Wall Street initially called Jack a total simpleton for selling a valuable cow for worthless beans. No one is laughing now. Elsie the cow that has long been a symbol of Borden, the Texas-based dairy has just filed for bankruptcy due to lagging sales primarily because of soy-based drinks.

Trump boasts Anti-US protests in Iran Yuger than Any President Ever Got

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

Today Donald Trump Tweeted “The anti-US protests at Soleimani's funeral in Iran today were Yuge! Yuger than ANY that Barack Obama or Even Jimmy Carter got when He was president. They all expressed HATRED to the USA, which means they actually LOVE ME! Take THAT Nancy Pelosi and Adam Schiff!