Obama Apologizes To World for Starting Pandemic

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

 A contrite former President Obama appeared before national TV today to apologize to the world for inadvertently starting the pandemic that is now expected to kill more than 2 million people.

“It’s really all my fault,” he said, “Sasha was simply doing some experiments in the basement with her chemistry set that we gave her for Xmas and left it sitting there on the shelf. I didn’t know what it was so I flushed it down the toilet. Next thing I know – there are 10,000 cases of Coronaviris cropping up all over. I’m sure that this must be the cause since FOX news and Limbaugh both reported it and they are almost never incorrect. I had a long talk with Sasha about doing dangerous experiments at home in the basement, but I guess it’s too late for that now.”

TV Game Show Producers Looking for New Ways to Capitalize on Coronavirus Pandemic

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

TV producers are thinking about novel new ways they can capitalize on the public’s insatiable desire for entertainment during this mandatory quarantine requirement that may extend out months. Here are  some new shows that they've come up with that combine entertainment with a Coronavirus theme.

So You Think You’re Immune
In this “Reality Show” contestants who think they are immune to the virus, are placed in a house with known infected individuals.  Each day they will record their video diary of how they feel and whether or not they think they have it. After 14 days, they are tested to see which ones actually do and which ones do not test positive for COVID19 virus.

Survivor – Plague ship
This is another spin-off of the popular Survivor TV series. In this series, contestants are placed onboard a Princess Cruise ship known to be infected. Unlike in previous shows on this one no one is getting off the ship.

Wheel of Misfortune
Contestants spin a giant wheel and call out COVID19 test case numbers. After 10 spins whoever gets the most number of positive results wins a home respirator and a lifetime supply of Chloroquine.

The Stimulus is Right
On this show, ordinary people try to guess what types of stimulus will get the economy moving and which ones will fail. A panel of economists and stock market investors will then determine if the stock market will go up or down with the stimulus.

The Voice Behind the Mask and Gloves and Gown

This show features singers who perform entirely suited in the highest level of PPE gear. The panel must try to guess who is in the suit, and what-in-the-hell they are singing.

Truth or Consequences
No explanation is needed for this show.

New Smell Test Developed To Determine If People Have The “IBlevM” Virus

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

Amid new reports that “loss of small” be one of the early indicators of infection by COVID19 virus, the CDC is looking into a smell test to determine which people might have come down with an even more dangerous virus – the “IBleveM” virus.

The test involves listening to excerpts of Trump's briefings and statements by Mitch McConnell. If they are able to smell an odor of bullshit they are not likely infected. But if they do not smell anything, or report smelling a pleasant flowery smell, then it is very likely that they are infected with this IBlevM virus and must be quarantined until 2021.

Trump Proposes Used Toilet Paper Collection Drives to “Save America’s Butts”

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

Going before viewers on live national television, Donald Trump warned that America could face a critical shortage of toilet paper in the coming weeks. Acting in his new role as "Wartime Commander in Chief" he urged Americans to start saving that used toilet paper. “We need to save America’s Butts” he urged. “The only way we can address this is the same way our fathers did in WWII. Massive collection drives! Americans are urged not to flush that precious resource down the toilet, but save it in specially marked bins with Trump’s face on it. These will then be collected each week by Boy Scouts and other patriotic organizations to be recycled into new clean toilet paper that will be redistributed to stores."

Game Shows Will Now Offer Personal ICU Ventilators as Big Prizes

Satirical News Service
Washington, DC

With the imminent threat that hospitals will soon run out of ventilators as patients come down with more severe cases of Coronavirus, TV game shows have begun offering your own personal ventilator as a big prize on game shows such as Wheel of Fortune and Price is Right.

Treasury Department Announces New Currency Design

New design of 100 sheet currency

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

As the Markets continue to tumble around the world, the other shoe just dropped when it was revealed that much of the US currency in circulation is infected with the COVID19 virus. People are afraid to touch it and its value seems to be falling daily as exchanges refuse to accept possibly infected banknotes. To remedy this the US Treasury Department is issuing new currency in the form of  10 sheets, 50 sheets, and 100 sheet rolls. In addition to having great intrinsic and practical value, it has the added benefit of being – well self-destroying as you use it. Each sheet will feature the likeness of our great President Trump who wanted to be sure people knew he was behind this new measure.

Mexico’s President Wants Border Wall Completed As Fast As Possible

Satirical News Service
Mexico City, Mexico

Today Mexico’s President Andrés Manuel López Obrador spoke today urging his government  take every effort to complete the border wall as fast as possible.

“Americans are coming here in droves. Many of them are sick and contagious with the deadly Coronavirus. Most have lost all their savings in the latest stock market crash and want to come here to take jobs away from ordinary Mexican workers. They want free food since they can’t grow their own, and they want free medical care since their healthcare system has collapsed or has gotten too expensive for them. Some claim they fear for their lives because the coronavirus is spreading through their communities and now want asylum here in Mexico. The only way we Mexicans can stop this is to finish building that big beautiful impenetrable border wall.”

North Korea Reports Zero Cases of Coronavirus

Satirical News Service
Pyongyang, DPRK

North Korean radio and TV sources recently have declared that there have been absolutely zero deaths of confirmed cases of the worldwide pandemic coronavirus in North Korea. This is quite remarkable since both China and neighboring South Korea have had severe epidemics of this. The DPRK media insists that their immunity to the virus is solely because of the divine infallible leadership of Kim Jong Un.

Despite this, there has recently been a huge upsurge in deaths related to gunshots mostly to anyone caught coughing or sneezing.

Cruise Ships Reveal New Plans For Dealing With Infected Passengers

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

 Several cruise companies have just revealed their plan for how they are going to deal with new cases of Coronavirus on their cruise ships. “We feel this is the best way to treat these passengers and protect other passengers from contracting the virus."

Trump Puts Coronavirus Bill funds to “Where They Will Do The Most Good”

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

 After Congress unanimously passed nearly 8 billion US dollars to combat the spread of coronavirus, the Trump administration is diverting most of that to fund building his border wall between the US and Mexico. In a statement from the Trump administration said, “We will continue to make every effort to prevent the spread of the Coronavirus, but we feel the best way to do this is to fund the wall that will prevent it from entering this country via illegal aliens in the first place". This falls under the National Emergency Act executive order signed by Trump last year and continues to divert funds from the military.

You Could be a Winner of an Official Coronavirus Testing Kit!

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

With testing kits for Coronavirus nationwide now in critical short supply, Trump has directed HHS director Alex Azar to treat it like a reality game show. He has hired the firm that runs the famous Publisher’s Clearing House Sweepstakes to randomly pick homes throughout the country to give them Coronavirus tests.

Azar stated, “This game show atmosphere should help calm fears that it is spreading as it is unlikely that the randomly selected people will actually have contracted the virus. Our camera crew will be there in full fanfare as we ring the doorbell with flowers and balloons to tell the homeowners that they’ve been selected as a lucky winner of the CDC Coronavirus test. Of course, Federal Agents will be standing by to take them into ‘protective quarantine’ should they refuse. We’ll have the camera rolling to capture their relieved expressions when they get the results – which we fully expect to be negative. Of course should the unthinkable happen and someone actually does test positive, the scene will be cut and men in hazmat suits will immediately quarantine off the entire area and the entire block will be evacuated to a federal quarantine center."