New Research Shows Guns Are the Perfect Host Medium for COVID19

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

A new discovery by the CDC looking into the spread of COVID19 have uncovered that guns seem to provide the perfect growth medium for COVID19.

 “It is something to do the composition of the gunmetal itself that COVID19 thrives on. It can stay active and actually grow on the surface for months – maybe even years. Anyone touching its surface is highly likely to become infected, and since the concentrations of the virus are so high, those infections are more likely to result in death. The only way to stop it is to literally melt the gun down. No amount of cleaning will remove it no matter how caustic the disinfectant. People owning guns are urged NOT TO TOUCH ANY PART OF THEM, and to immediately turn the weapon over to authorities who can dispose of it in super-heated furnaces.  Gun shows are particularly dangerous since they provide breeding grounds for the virus.“

As one CDC official put it “We will be happy to pry it from your cold dead hands if we need to, but only wearing proper PPE”

Long Gas Lines re-Appear Not to Buy, But to Give Gas Back to Filling Stations

Satirical News Service
Washington, DC

As the price of a barrel of oil shot below $7 yesterday, long lines of tanker trucks and service vehicles with large capacity gas tanks have begun to appear outside of service stations, not to buy gas, but to get rid of it. With the COVID19 pandemic preventing people from going anywhere gas stations are overfilled to capacity. People who bought huge tank-loads of gas anticipating a shortage are desperate to sell it back. For this reason, the price of gas has gone above $3.00 a gallon; not to buy it, but to pay gas station to just take it. One tank trucker who just paid a more than $2.50 a gallon to a gas station owner to take it said “As long as this stuff stays in my tank, I’m losing money, lots of money, that I could make hauling hand sanitizer and ethanol for virus testing.“ 

Gas stations are using devices like “free fill-up with the purchase of a car wash" just to lure people back. Another is offering toilet paper rolls with every gas purchase.“It just crazy” exclaimed one gas station owner.

President Trump Orders Suspending Calendar over COVID19

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

In an effort to stave off the constant stream of criticism that days go by and nothing is still being done to address the growing need to supply testing kits and aide to unemployed workers. Trump has taken the extraordinary measure of freezing the calendar. In signing this latest executive order,  it bans the advancement of days in the yearly calendar.  In his press statement, he said, “With all these so-called experts and fake news outlets demanding action by this date or that, I am taking the extraordinary action of stopping all advancement of the calendar until further notice.”

Stunned cabinet members and members of Congress are still trying to understand just what this means and what it will affect. According to experts, it means that today will be stuck in place indefinitely. There will, in essence, be no tomorrow – or yesterday for that matter. It means that rents and mortgage payments due on the first of the month will not happen because there will not be a first of the month. Garbage collection and other essential services are still trying to grapple with how to adjust their schedules. Deadlines for re-opening services will have to be decided some other way than on a specific calendar date because from now on, there will be only “today”. More ominous is how it might affect the presidential election in November. According to one Congressman, “November has been canceled along with October, September, August, July, June, etc..”

Trump's response to this criticism was “I am the President and I have the power to do whatever I want”.

Trump Using Ouija Board to Determine When to Let Americans Go Back to Work

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

Donald Trump announced today that he was going to use his Ouija board to make the determination as to when it would be safe for Americans to start resuming normal activities and return to work. In his press conference, he stated, “I have a very good rapport with the spirit world – they all love me. They can tell me better than anyone else when it is safe because they help me communicate directly with the coronavirus itself. No one else can do this, but I can. They told me for instance that 

Hydroxychloroquine is safe and very effective against COVID19. They are also telling me which states really need the most ventilators– that we are making in incredible numbers – just incredible, and which ones do not. I consult it daily and it tells me that me and my family are completely immune to COVID19."

Evangelical Experts Site Anecdotal Evidence That Swinging Live Rattlesnakes Can Prevent Covid19

Satirical News Service
Middleboro, KY

Experts in a small evangelical community site promising evidence that their practice of swinging live rattlesnakes around their heads may prevent the transmission of COVID19.  He noted that not a single case in their more than 40 congregants has contracted this virus, although none have ever been tested to confirm this.  Mitch McConnell, the senior  Senator from Kentucky, stated, “Based on this evidence it is certainly worth starting immediate clinical trials with much larger segments of the population. After all – What do we have to lose?”

Florida to be First State to Use Scratch-Off Lottery Tickets to “Win” PPE and Ventilators

Satirical News Service
Tallahassee, FL

Florida Governor Rick DeSantis became the first governor to try to novel new way to allocate who gets PPE and even Ventilators.  Scratch-off tickets will be made available at all supermarkets and convenience stores as well as given out whenever you get tested for COVID19. If your scratch-off is “positive” meaning you have three Coronavirus pictures, you get the prize shown on the ticket. These range from N19 face masks to personal ventilators.  According to DeSantis, "We feel this is the fairest way to allocate the limited resources our state has to combat this virus. Besides. People in this state understand scratch-offs.”