Trump Announces Plan to Draft Seniors to Fight the Corona War

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

For the first time since the Vietnam War, President Trump has announced plans to resume drafting individuals to fight his “War on Corona”. This comes as a result of his frustration that people just aren’t going out and spending money and traveling and shopping like they did before the outbreak even as states are relaxing some restrictions,. As a result, the economy still lags and unemployment keeps going up.

“We need to take some drastic measures to win this war”, Tweeted Trump last night. He is proposing a lottery-style draft, based upon Social Security numbers that apply only to people over the age of 55. When people see these people out and about and NOT getting sick, since these are the people who are thought to be most vulnerable, they will stop worrying and go out and do the same. 

The only people who will be exempt from the Draft are those who are too invalid to move about and those who are already infected and showing signs of the illness. Of course bone spurs will also get you an exemption.

Seniors who are drafted will be given daily doses of hydroxychloroquine and ordered to attend concerts, go to shopping malls, fly on airplanes, and go to crowded restaurants and amusement parks without wearing  any type of PPE or practice social distancing.

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Trump signs Executive Order Giving Him Immunity from Everything

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

In an effort to fend off criticism for not wearing masks anywhere and also under pressure to produce tax returns and testimonies, Trump today signed an Executive Presidential Order that gives him blanket immunity from everything.  In signing the order he tweeted,

“By signing this Executive Order, I don’t have to answer to Congress, the courts, or anyone else, and I am totally immune to the COVID19  virus so I don’t even need to be tested anymore. So the Fake news can get on with more important reporting  like OBAMAGATE.”

Social Distancing Guidelines Will Now Be Tied to the Dow Jones Average

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

In an effort to focus attention on “What a great job he’s doing with the economy AND responding to re-opening up America”. Trump has proposed tying the amount of social distancing required  to the Dow Jones Industrial Average. This would be an inverse proportion so that the higher the DJ average goes, the LESS you would need to social distance.  If it should drop, however, the distance you would have to social distance would increase. That way people can start to feel secure about going into public places and interacting with their neighbors knowing that as the economy improves, the less distance they have to maintain between themselves.

Businesses are quite perplexed by this since they have already invested significant time and effort placing taped markers on the floors to indicate spacing between people, and have re-arranged seating in public places accordance with current DCD guidelines. “With the target constantly shifting, it’s going to be very confusing to people as to how much distance to allow between them. They’ll have to be constantly looking at the stock tickers to know whether to increase it or decrease it”, said one business owner.

Republicans are overwhelming in support of this, even though it makes zero sense scientifically. It re-focuses America’s attention on getting our economy, as measured by the Dow Jones, up again, and rewarding all Americans when it does well.

The CDC declines to comment on this.

Trump Signs Executive Order Restoring Stock Market gains and Employment Figures to December 2019 Values

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

Impatient with the slow pace of the governors and public to re-open the economy and desperate to restore the one positive thing that his administration had going for it prior to COVID19, President Trump today signed into law an executive order that puts all the stock market values back to where they were at the end of December 2019. In a statement to the “Fake News Media”, as he calls it, Trump reiterated “My numbers are great, Obama, Pelosi and the Democrats planted fake values for unemployment and the stock market just to discredit me. I’m only restoring them to where they rightfully should be.” When questioned about the legality of such as move the President stated again, “I’m the President, I can do whatever I want “.

First Fly-over by USA Space Force to Honor Hospital Workers Goes Unreported by Fake News Media

Photograph of Space Force flyover taken by US Airforce jet

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

 According to officials in the Trump Administration, not only were the Navy’s Blue Angels and Air Force’s Thunderbirds performing over US cities to honor hospital and other workers fighting the Coronavirus, but the first-ever flyover by the newest branch of the military, the US Space Force.

“Of course the Fake News Media declined to give them the recognition they deserve, and instead reported it as a “UFO”, groused one administration official. 

Since no one is actually in command of the US Space Force at the moment, we could not get a comment as to the accuracy of this. Rumor has it that the flight originated out of the infamous “Area51” in the Nevada desert, but sources could neither confirm nor deny this.