Satirical News Service
Washington DC
Washington DC
For the first time since the Vietnam War, President
Trump has announced plans to resume drafting individuals to fight his “War on
Corona”. This comes as a result of his frustration that people just aren’t
going out and spending money and traveling and shopping like they did before
the outbreak even as states are relaxing
some restrictions,. As a result, the economy still lags and unemployment keeps
going up.
“We need to take some drastic measures to win this
war”, Tweeted Trump last night. He is proposing a lottery-style draft, based
upon Social Security numbers that
apply only to people over the age of 55. When people see these people out and about and NOT
getting sick, since these are the people who are thought to be most vulnerable, they will stop worrying and go out and do the same.
The only people
who will be exempt from the Draft are those who are too invalid to move about
and those who are already infected and showing signs of the illness. Of course bone
spurs will also get you an exemption.
Seniors who are drafted will be given daily doses
of hydroxychloroquine and ordered to attend concerts, go to shopping malls, fly
on airplanes, and go to crowded restaurants and amusement parks without
wearing any type of PPE or practice
social distancing.
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