Dick Dynasty to Replace Duck Dynasty on A&E

In an effort to save face and escape further ostracizing by the Gay and Black communities after the outrageous comments by the Phil Robertson, the star of Duck Dynasty, A&E has decided to cancel the show and replace it with a show called “Dick Dynasty”.  Dick Dynasty will features four very openly gay men who sport vivid facial hair and rather vibrant and outrageous clothing. The cast consists of two gay white males, one gay black, one gay Hispanic, and one transgender. The show will be filmed in Minnesota which is more open to gays, and will feature the cast paddling through the lakes of upper Minnesota doing loon calls and photographing ducks from hideouts. No guns of any kind will be used in the show.

Yes Virginia, There is No Black Santa Claus

"DEAR Megyn Kelly: I am 8 years old.

"Some of my little friends say there is a Black Santa Claus.

"Papa says, 'If you see it on FOX News  it's so.'

"Please tell me the truth; is there a Black Santa Claus?

"VIRGINIA O'HANLON.

"115 WEST NINETY-FIFTH STREET."

VIRGINIA, your little friends are wrong. They have been affected by the liberal media – the same liberal media that wants to ban guns, give poor people welfare and  force socialized medicine on us. They think that just because some misguided  shopping malls who cow-tow to political correctness, that makes it so. All these bleeding heart liberal minds, Virginia, whether they be men's or children's, are little and completely misguided.  In this great universe of ours FOX NEWS speaks the honest truth, that man is not descended from apes, as those liberal godless school teachers would have you believe it, are incapable of grasping the real truth and knowledge as we at FOX know it to be true

Yes, VIRGINIA, there is a Santa Claus, but let me assure he is most assuredly a white gun toting, tea party conservative. He exists as certainly as forty seven percent of the people live care free off the sweat of the real hard working tax paying Americans, and above all he is White! Alas! how dreary would be the world if Santa Claus were some some bling draped rapper with his pants down to his crotch blaring away some rap version of Santa Claus is coming to Town. It would be as dreary as if there were no FOX News. There would be no childlike bickering among ignoramuses on daily talk “news shows”, no idiotic “birther” arguments. We should have no facts except those reported by the liberal media. The eternal light with which FOX NEWS fills the world would be extinguished.

Believe in Black Santa Claus! You might as well believe in gun control and Obamacare! You might get your papa to hire men to watch in all the chimneys on Christmas Eve to catch some black rapper Santa Claus and blow him back to the South Pole where he belongs. But even if they did see Black Santa Claus coming down, could they prove that he wasn’t born in Kenya? Nobody believes in Black Santa Claus just like no one believes we should have a black President. That sign should be enough to convince you that there is no Black Santa Claus. The most real truths in the world are those that  I, and FOX NEWS want you to see. Did you ever see fairies dancing on the lawn or going to the city hall to get legally married? If you do call the police at once! Still that's no proof that they are not there, but we will do our best to try to ignore them. Nobody can conceive or imagine all the wonders that are unseen and unseeable in the world, but we’ll do our best to convince you otherwise.

You may tear apart you TV set to see what makes the noise inside, but there is a veil covering the idiotic view of the world we present every day ; which not the wisest man, nor even the united strength of all the liberal intellectuals who ever lived, could tear apart. Push aside that curtain Virginia and view and the real world as we at FOX NEWS know it to be true. Is it all real? Ah, VIRGINIA, in all this if we say it’s real, then it MUST be so.

A Black Santa Claus! Thank God there is no such thing! A thousand years from now, Virginia, nay, ten times ten thousand years from now, we will continue to deny that he exists and that President Obama was NOT born in Kenya.

New Rollout For Healthcare.gov Web Site

Satirical News Service
Washington, DC

Following the disastrous initial rollout of Healthcare.gov, the Obama administration has hired the makers of Xbox games to totally redesign the site.

                In beta testing now is Call to Healthcare. Once users enter this site they must run through a gauntlet of Republican congressmen who try to block everything; health insurance companies that try to cut off your access to healthcare by putting up enormous premiums in your path, and finally hospitals and doctors who make you wait in crowded rooms for care only to be told that you can’t get it because it they don’t qualify. Meanwhile users are pursued by relentless death panels that want to terminate you completely. So far the beta testing it did not fare well with anyone over the age of 14, but they are working on a new version called Fast And Furious Healthcare Delivery.

Apple Inc Introduces the Ypad

Satiricial News Service

Cupertino, CA

Less than two months after releasing the latest ipad air, Apple Inc. today announced their newest revolutionary invention, the “Ypad”. The Ypad is totally unique in that it uses zero electricity and is made of totally recycled materials. We feel it is one of the most ecological devices we’ve ever made!

To use it, one simply places the tip of a graphite filled stylus we call the Ypencil onto the surface of the Ypad and proceeded to write. Miraculously letters and words appear where the Ypencil moves. To delete the word, one simply turns the Ypencil 180 degrees and rubs the letter out with a soft rubber surface. When the message is completed, the user simply tears off the top surface of the Ypad and hands it to the intended person. No need for internet or cellular connectivity.

The Apple spokesperson went on to say “We feel this product will totally revolutionize the tablet market in the coming months spawning a new line of ecologically aware devices that decrease our dependency of electricity, and cut down on the need to dispose of expensive electronic components and eco hazardous batteries.”

The Ypad is expected to retail at Apple Stores for about $500 and users are already lined up to be the first to have one of these new Ypads.

Glitches Hamper Implementation of Obamacare Death Panels

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

In yet another setback for the Obama administration, authorities reported glitches in the implementation of Death Panels – one of the Keystones to Obamacare.  Many people said that when they tried to sign their elderly relatives up for the death panels on the internet, they were told conflicting information. According to one person “We tried to sign granny up for the government death panel, but they said that they couldn't because of a pre-existing condition. We thought those would go away once Obamacare was initiated. "

Another individual reported that they were told to leave their elderly parents out by the curb by 8:00 a.m., but when they returned later that afternoon, they were still where they had left them. When they called they told that they were too young to receive death panel benefits –too young! Someone else complained that they had been assured that children would be eligible for death panels, but then they were told the same thing.

Obviously Obamacare still has some glitches to overcome, but as Vice President Biden stated that it won’t be much longer before you can you’ll be able to leave your elderly parents by the curb and they’ll be well taken care of by Obamacare.

Surprise Move by IOC to Punish Syria by Naming Damascus as site of 2020 Olympics

Satirical News Service
Geneva, Switzerland

In a move that took everyone by surprise the International Olympic Planning Committee bypassed Tokyo, Madrid and Istanbul – the leading contenders for the 2020 Olympics- and instead appointed Damascus to host it. The IOC head stated “We hope this sends a message to Assad that when you gas your own people you are going to pay a stiff price.” Now Damascus will have to spend millions of dollars that it could have spent on weapons to host the International games. It will have to use its troops that could be fighting rebels to keep close watch on the thousands of athletes including ones from Israel. It will also have to spend time and money on building stadiums and other venues which could bankrupt the country.The IOC hopes that this will send a strong message to Assad  and other leaders not to use weapons of mass destruction on his own people, or face the consequences.

APPLE REVEALS A TOTALLY NEW RE-DESIGN FOR THE IPHONE 6

Satirical News Service
Cupertino, CA

In a stunning display of brilliance, Apple CEO Tim Cook revealed the new design of the iPhone 6 scheduled to go on sale sometime in the next quarter.  In a packed press conference he showed that Apple has not lost the innovative power that was present when Steve Jobs was at the helm.

The new look is a radical departure from the old flat design. It features more pleasing curved surfaces and an overall larger footprint.  They have replaced the difficult to use touch screen  interface with a pleasing rotary numbered one that give the user a visual, audio and tactile confirmation for the number dialed. In a very radical departure from previous models they have gone away from focusing on "apps" and gone basic to basics of voice calls. To this end, they have completely eliminated the Graphical User Interface (LCD screen) and instead have gone to a completely audio interface. In order for the user to place a call, they have to pick up something called a "receiver" and hold it to their ear, and then proceed to use the rotary interface to "dial" the call.

Excited Apple fans are already lining up at Apple Stores to be the first to obtain this new innovative model, even though a sale date has not been announced.