Farmville to Be Sold to Bain Capital – Massive Layoffs Expected

Farmville expected to be turned into an exclusive virtual gated community

Satirical News Service
Palo Alton, CA

With the share price of Facebook plummeting daily, CEO Mark Zuckerberg announced today that the board of directors has decided to sell Farmville to Bain Capital. “We deeply regret this decision, but now that we are a publicly held company, we have to live in the REAL world, and not the VIRTUAL one.”

Immediately Bain Capital plans to lay off all the farm workers, and sell all the livestock to a virtual meat processing plant. All of the land in Farmville will be turned into a exclusive gated community with a virtual golf course. Ownership of these virtual homes and rights to the virtual country club and golf course will start at $10,000 per year. Bain is also considering putting in a virtual game hunting park as well so that their friend Dick Chaney can blast a few lawyers for recreation.

MASSIVE UN-FRIENDING ON FACEBOOK THREATENS TO COLLAPSE THE ENTIRE GLOBAL SOCIAL NETWORK

Satirical News Service
Washington, DC

A new crisis has enveloped the entire social networking system when, after the initial IPO of Facebook went public this past weekend, millions of people on Facebook began to unfriend each other. Immediately the stock, which had an initial value of $38 dropped 4 points, and set off another panic wave of un-friending. One analyst predicted that if the trend continues it could bring down the entire global social network structure much like Greece did the European financial community. An analyst from the Academic community says he’s been warning of this crisis for a long time now. "Once people start to unfriend each other, no one wants the stigma to be the first person unfriended, so they start unfriending people pre-emptively. Before long total panic takes hold and everyone is un-friending everyone – even their own mothers!”

Congressional leaders begged their constituents to stop unfriending people, but since they were the first people to be unfriended, the message had little impact. Leaders from the RNC really had no comments on the crisis, since most of their constituents have few friends anyway, and think that Facebook is just some sort of Gay dating scheme. Mitt Romney offered help in the way of  a statement in which he said “he knew of some people who had once Facebooked, but right now all of his friends are in the Cayman Islands and don’t have time for other friends unless they haul in more than 10 million bucks a year.”

The Obama administration have yet to comment of what action they might take, but it is rumored that Bo, their dog, has been unfriended as well. Other social networks such as Linkedin and Twitter, are concerned that the wave of unfriending could spread to their social networks as well causing a global social network collapse.

Bain Capital To Take Over Greece

Satirical News Service
Washington, DC

 In a bold move to show the world that he understands world economics, Mitt Romney’s  has directed Bain Capital to take over and manage the Nation of Greece for the EU.  Its first move will be to sell off its assets and national treasures to other countries. From now on expect the acropolis and other such treasures to be in Beijing . Then Bain plans to lay-off all government workers and outsource those jobs to India. The remaining people with jobs in the private sector will be allowed remove their assets from Greece and place them for safe keeping in banks in the Cayman Islands and to avoid any messy taxes. Meanwhile Bain will looks for a new country to buy out what remains of Greece. All told Bain expects to make billions in profit.

ABC Slated To Make Sitcom About A Heterosexual Suburban White Family

Satirical News Service
Hollywood, CA

In a bold move that has stirred controversy throughout the Hollywood community , ABC announced today that it is doing a remake of the 1950’s sitcom show Ozzie and Harriet. This show features a White middle class non-ethnic hetero couple with a stay at home mom raising their family in Suburbia.  A spokesperson from ABC told reporters that although many people feel  that we shouldn’t show such people like that who are not Gay, Bi-sexual or ethnic on TV, we feel that it is time to show these minorities in a light that will show people from mainstream Hollywood that it is perfectly OK for two white heterosexual people to have a normal loving relationship, and even marry and have children. For the past decade these minorities have been kept in the shadows and only portrayed in a dysfunctional way, like John Edwards. But we know that there are many normal white hetero-couples with stay-at-home moms out there who need a role model to look to. Some people in Hollywood think that it is going too far, too soon. We realize that we may take a lot of heat from this, but when something is right, you have to just do it and accept the fallout.

Homeland Security Gropes with the New Threat of Boob Bombs

Potential threats such as these are keeping TSA screeners and HSA officials up at night

Satirical News Service
Washington, DC

 Following recent revelations from undercover operatives about Al Quaeda planning to use body implant bombs, Homeland Security is particularly focusing their attention on “Boob Bombs”. From now on large breasted women will be singled out for additional pat down screen to determine if they might be hiding explosives in their massively sized breasts.  In addition to thorough pat downs specially trained crotch sniffing dogs will be employed at all airports to check out all female passengers.  Although this may be the last straw for many women who plan on flying, there has been a large jump in applicants who want to become TSA screeners.