NRA – “Spare the Glock Spoil the Child”

                     Steve, Carol and Roger get ready for a typical school day

Satirical News Service
Washington, DC

In a stunning concession to the growing outcry against military style assault rifles and extended ammunition clips after the recent Connecticut shooting, the NRA today broke its silence conceding that some measures were needed to prevent this from happening again.  They've called it the “Spare the Glock, Spoil the Child” policy. In this proposal they recommend arming every school employee so that they can shoot the shooter first. Pointing out how successful this worked for Neighborhood Watch Committees in Florida they recommended more heat in the classroom. The NRA suggested that school children also should be allowed to carry loaded fire arms into the classroom. When asked whether a 5 year old should be allowed to carry a loaded assault rifle to school, the NRA spokesperson replied “That’s completely ridiculous! A five year old can’t control a weapon as heavy as a loaded assault rifle! -- Something like a 38 police special or Glock 45 is much more appropriate for someone that old. Assault rifles should only be in the hands of someone 9 and older.”  They also recommended requiring students to wear school uniforms made of Kevlar.

Also in a move of tremendous compassion, the NRA stated that it would give free of charge a Bushmaster AK-47 semi-automatic assault rifle with extended ammunition clip to every parent who has lost a child to gun violence.  “We know that this can never completely replace the loss you have suffered, but once you get your hands around this new baby and cuddle its cold steel and raw power to your chest, and feel it unleash it’s unbridled power, that no bleeding hearted liberal gun hating congressman can take away from you, it will ease the loss you have suffered.”

Discovery of Extinct Branch of Prehistoric Humans

Satiricial News Service

Scientists this week have made the discovery of an early branch of human evolution that mysteriously went extinct. From fossils they hypothesized that they had very small brains and lived exclusively on an herb that resembles modern day "tea". Scientists believe this may have made them very angry and irrational. They are classifying this new species as Homo-Insurrectus.

Along with the discovery they discovered cave drawings from this extinct human race. Anthropologists have suggested that based on the drawings, they worshiped the symbol of a coiled snake. The figure in the middle right drawing is hypothesized to represent a witch doctor or chief who leads the tribe. In this depiction the figure appears to be raising ancient artifacts called “taxes”. The circle with the slash indicates that they did not like this chief or taxes. The lower most drawing shows how they lured a woolly mammoth to jump off a cliff by first jumping off it themselves. The last drawing suggests why they probably went extinct.

Mayan Calendar – Time to go off Daylight Savings Time

Satirical News Service
Quetzacoatl, Mexico

According to the Mayan Calendar, it is time to go off Daylight Savings time if you live in the Mayan Time zone. This means that you turn back daylight for the next 600 years and have nothing but darkness, until you go back on Mayan Standard time in about 2612. Archaeologists have uncovered several tablets inscribed with the saying “If it’s 2012, fall back into perpetual night”.

GOP Agrees To Let One Person Pay More Taxes If President Agrees To Cuts

Satirical News Service
Washington, DC

House Leader John Boehner announced today that the GOP controlled House is demonstrating its willingness to reach a compromise on the “Fiscal Cliff”.  He proposed letting one person with an income of more than 250,000.00 pay 1% more in taxes if the President will agree to End Obamacare, cut Social Security in half, quadruple the defense budget, and produce his “real” birth certificate that shows he really was born in Kenya . John Boehner stated “We propose to have a lottery among all individuals who make more than 250,000 a year, and the “losing number” will have to cough up an additional 1%. So you can see that the Republicans are willing to raise taxes and are trying hard to compromise on this issue. It’s the President and the Democrats that just won’t bend on this.

Mall Santa’s Comment “You’ll Shoot Your Eye Out” May Have Triggered Shooting Spree

Satirical News Service
Clackamas, Ore

New evidence came out today after the tragic shooting in the Clackamas Oregon Mall, that the rampage may have been triggered by the Mall Santa’s response to  Jacob Tyler Roberts Xmas present wish.  The previous day he was purported to have sat on the Mall Santa’s lap and asked him for a “Red Rider AK-47 automatic rifle with an extended ammunition clip”, to which the Mall Santa replied “NO kid! You’ll shoot your eye out”. After that, witnesses reported hearing Roberts mutter “I’ll show him who’ll shoot their eye out”.  The NRA is warning all Mall Santa’s not to deny any kids’ request for high powered automatic weapons with extended ammunition clips this Xmas, and recommends that anyone shopping at a Mall this Xmas come fully armed. Happy Holidays!

Fiscal Cliff Action Heroes Toy – Hot Xmas Seller

Satirical News Service

New York, NY

This year’s hottest toy is the Fiscal Cliff Action Hero set featuring Nancy the Wonder Woman who battles the evil John the Hammer of the Right to protect the middle class from Fiscal Cuts to entitlement programs, Health Care and Fair taxes. Or conversely,  John the Righteous fearlessly protecting the 1%'ers against an onslaught of 47%'ers led by Nancy the Tax-and Spend Liberal super villain who uses her super powers to tax and spend job creators to death with health care, higher taxes  and Entitlement programs for the poor. There is also Barack the Negotiator who tries vainly to bring both sides to some sort of compromise before they both go over the dreaded fiscal Cliff. The toy is not selling well with kids, but their parents love it!

The Restless Leg Syndrome Pledge Drive

Once again at this time of year I want to call attention to the forgotten disease -  Restless Leg Syndrome. Ever since advertisements have fallen off, fewer and fewer people have been diagnosed with this serious medical condition, leaving pharmaceutical companies overstocked with worthless drugs to treat it. So at this time of year, we are asking people to dig deep into their hearts and pockets to give to the Restless Leg Foundation. Each dollar you donate will go directly to pharmaceutical companies to generate more advertisements for their drugs for this forgotten condition – or to research new diseases that they can apply their overstocked drugs for. Without your help, this disease may go completely un-noticed. 

Congressional Republicans Offer to Compromise on Fiscal Cliff Impasse

Satirical News Service
Washington, DC

House speaker announced today that they would be willing to consider a modest tax increase for the wealthiest Americans if the Democrats agreed to the following.

1.       Nullify the results of the last election

2.       Barack Obama agrees self deport back to Kenya

3.       Nullify Obamacare

4.       End Medicare and Medicaid

5.       End Social Security

6.       Increase defense spending by 200%

7.       Eliminate NPR

8.       Publicly fund Rush Limbaugh and FOX news

9.       Nuke Iran

In exchange the GOP will be willing to negotiate on a 0.005% increase in taxes for people making over 10 billion a year.

“We feel this is the best way to end the stalemate in a fair and equitable way.  If the democrats will just agree to hand us total power to enact whatever we want, we might  be willing to consider raising taxes on anyone say -making more than 10 billion dollars – but only by 0.005%. After all, we did have more Twitter feeds in the last election so that gives us a mandate to control what legislation passes and what does not.”

In other news NASA satellites have discovered small pockets of ice in HELL. So if the old saying is true there is a chance that some form of compromise will be reached before the January 1^st deadline.